Lt. Disher quotes from Monk

No idea?

[Louder] No... [points to eye] I... [makes the shape of a "D"] D!

...No idea?

Disher

No I.D.!

Why don't you check her identification?

Disher

NO I.D.!

[Screams, exasperated] NO I.D.!

[After long pause] ...No idea?

S4 Mr. Monk Gets Jury Duty

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[Escobar is being extradited and Stottlemeyer is taking emergency precautions at the courthouse]

Pay attention. I'm only gonna say this once. Escobar's hearing is tomorrow at 12:00 Noon. We lock this joint down tonight at midnight, every exit, every window. 1:00 AM: we sweep for bombs, head to toe. 6:00 AM: I want snipers on this roof and on the roof next door. We arrive at 11:30. 11:40: we meet Lapides at the elevator, we hand him off. From there, he's the bureau's.

Lt. Disher

Sir, could you repeat that, please?

Yeah, what part?

Lt. Disher

Uhh, everything after "Pay attention, I'm only gonna say this once."

[Stottlemeyer groans in frustration]

S4 Mr. Monk Gets Jury Duty

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[Stottlemeyer and Disher, celebrating the arrest of Escobar, crumple up balls of paper and toss them in the trash. FBI Special Agent Lapides comes in and catches one before it lands in the trash can]

SLSpecial Agent Lapides

Is this a bad time?

[Taking a bite out of a bagel] It is now. [To Randy] Randy, you remember Special Agent Lapides? [Lapides produces an envelope]

SLSpecial Agent Lapides

Actually I'm not alone. I'm with the attorney general. Wanna read it?

I don't need to read it. I'm not giving you Escobar. No way, no how.

SLSpecial Agent Lapides

Leland, this case is bigger than San Francisco. Escobar was supplying drugs to seven states.

Lt. Disher

Yeah, but we caught him here!

You're damn right we did, and we got him on a homicide, right here in the City of San Francisco. This case represents three years of my life.

SLSpecial Agent Lapides

Well you have the thanks of a grateful nation, Captain. But the federal indictment's already been filed. We're gonna try him first.

[To himself] Sons-of-bitches.

SLSpecial Agent Lapides

There's an extradition hearing on Thursday. Here's how it's gonna work: you babysit Escobar until then, you bring him to the courthouse, meet us in the lobby, you drop him off, you go home. [Starts to leave; but then stops, and holds the envelope to his ear] "What's that, sir?" I'll tell him. [To Stottlemeyer] The attorney general says, "Don't screw it up".

S4 Mr. Monk Gets Jury Duty

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[Disher tells Natalie that Monk has been found in Wyoming, where a trucker dropped him off.]

Are they sure it's really him?

Lt. Disher

The trucker gave him a five dollar bill, the guy kept smoothing it out.

He's alive!

S4 E11 Mr. Monk Bumps His Head

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[The day after Jennie Mandeville confesses to stealing a pen from a bank, she comes back and confesses to accidentally killing her roommate and dumping his body]

Lt. Disher

Jenny, what did you do with the body?

JMJenny Mandeville

I flushed it down the toilet. [Realizing that this is another false "confession", Randy switches off the tape recorder]

Lt. Disher

Was Tony a goldfish?

JMJenny Mandeville

A hamster.

S4 E13 Mr. Monk and the Big Reward

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[Stottlemeyer and Disher are watching the actors playing them in a movie adaptation of "Mr. Monk and the Astronaut"]

APActor Playing Stottlemeyer

[Talking on prop cellphone] Uh, look, I know he's a bit eccentric, but Adrian Monk is the best damn investigator I've ever had so you tell the mayor if he goes I go. [Pauses] That's right. Lt. Disher! Lt. Disher, you got a minute? [A female Disher enters the room; the real Randy is embarrassed]

APActress Playing Disher

[Enters] Yes, Captain.

APActor Playing Stottlemeyer

Uh, what the hell do I say? I got it. The victim, the victim just received a check for fifty thousand dollars. Pretty weird time to kill yourself. What do you think?

APActress Playing Disher

I'll tell you what I think. I think the department doesn't appreciate you enough.

[Gets closer to the Stottlemeyer actor]

APActor Playing Stottlemeyer

Randi, what are you doing?

APActress Playing Disher

I'm doing what you taught me to do, Captain: following my instincts.

[They start kissing; the real Stottlemeyer and Disher are mortified]

That never happened.

Lt. Disher

Not even once.

S5 Mr. Monk and the Actor

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[Monk is driving a lone garbage truck through the city]

Lt. Disher

He's like a vigilante. A garbage vigilante.

S5 Mr. Monk and the Garbage Strike

You could say that. But don't.

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[Monk is having his eyes checked after being attacked by Eddie Murdoch at the firehouse]

So, how’s it look, Doc?

JDr. Jackman

Uh, okay. The liquid that hit him was a mixture of detergent and muriatic acid. Both of his corneas have been scarred, and there is nerve damage.

Which means what, exactly?

JDr. Jackman

It’s hard to say. Sometimes the tissue grows back by itself, and sometimes it doesn’t.

[Stroking Monk's shoulder] Shh... it’s okay, Mr. Monk. [To Dr. Jackman] [[[w:Fear of the dark|He’s afraid of the dark]].

JDr. Jackman

Well, he might have to get used to it, at least for a while. Excuse me. [She leaves and Randy steps forward]

Lt. Disher

Monk?

Huh?

Lt. Disher

It’s Randy! I’m speaking to you. I’m standing right in front of you. [Randy waves his hand in front of Monk’s face and squats] Now I’m squatting. I’m about eye-level. I just want you to know that we’re gonna find the man who did this to you. I’m gonna work on this case 24/7. I don’t care how long it takes. Except for May 11th. Uh, my niece is getting confirmed, and there’s a reception the night before, so I’m probably gonna need... [Turns to Stottlemeyer] I’m probably gonna need that whole weekend off, actually…

[Sternly] Randy...

Lt. Disher

So from the 11th to the 13th...

Randy! I didn’t think this was possible, but you’re making this situation worse.

S5 Mr. Monk Can't See a Thing

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[Natalie leads Monk to the station and they meet Randy in the hallway]

What's so important, Randy?

Lt. Disher

I think we've got him. We just picked up a guy in Rockaway; he was wearing the fireman's coat.

Who is he?

Lt. Disher

A guy named Colbert, Jake Colbert. He's a drifter; he lives out by the beach. You think you can ID him?

Oh, I don't know. Maybe you haven't heard: I am blind.

But you'll do the best you can, right? You can't give up just because you've been dealt a bad hand.

Oh have I been dealt a bad hand? I wouldn't know, because I'm blind! [They meet Stottlemeyer outside the squad room door]

Monk, hey. I like the cane. You look kinda dapper.

So you found the guy?

We found a guy. He's the right height, does not have an alibi, and he was wearing the missing coat.

Did his shoes squeak?

Don't know. He was barefoot when we picked him up. But it doesn't matter because we don't need shoes when I've got an eyewitness.

[Following Stottlemeyer into the squad room] So to speak.

S5 Mr. Monk Can't See a Thing

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JDr. Jackman

I think I have some good news. The optic nerves appear to be healing, and your pupils are starting to dilate. I’m cautiously optimistic. [Monk moans a little bit] Is that how he takes good news?

Yeah, it is.

JDr. Jackman

Look, if you could just stick around for a bit, I’d like to show these to my colleagues. Be right back.

Thank you, Doctor. We’ll be here.

Isn’t that great? She sounded so hopeful!

Hope. I hate hope’s guts!

Hey, what happened to all your confidence?

I don’t know, Leland. Maybe I dropped it when I was screaming for help ten inches off the ground! I’m so pathetic! I’m half the man I was, which was three-quarters of a man, so now I’m…

Lt. Disher

Five-sixteenths of a man.

Thank you, Randy.

Lt. Disher

Oh, no, wait. Three-eighths of a man.

Hey, would you quit whining? The bad guy [Murdoch]’s on a slab downstairs, we get to go home. In my book, that’s a good day.

S5 Mr. Monk Can't See a Thing

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[Randy is at his desk. He notices something and rushes into Stottlemeyer's office]

Lt. Disher

Captain? The lapel pin. I just remembered where I saw it.

When?

Lt. Disher

Just now at my desk.

No I mean... tell me about the pin, Randy.

Lt. Disher

Monk. He's been wearing the same pin all week for his 25th college reunion.

I think you're right. Did the victim go to Berkeley?

Lt. Disher

No, she worked there. She was a nurse at the university clinic for, like, twenty years.

But she didn't graduate, so this isn't her pin.

Lt. Disher

The killer.

S5 Mr. Monk and the Class Reunion

[With realization] It fell off the killer... which means the killer is at the reunion... with Monk?

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Lt. Disher

Why did he kill the nurse?

He had no choice! Katherine Rutherford read that note twenty-five years ago. It would have been made public, she would have recognized it!

My God, Mr. Monk, he could be doing it right now! [Stottlemeyer and Disher reach the registration station]

The registration sheets are all gone!

Oh!

Lt. Disher

Monk, do you have a cell phone number?

No.

Lt. Disher

Do you know where they stayed?

[Sighs, exasperated] Some hotel!

There are over 200 hotels in this city, Monk! It’ll take us over five hours to check them all!

Hold on. Hold on! [Rolls his shoulders forward a couple of times]

Lt. Disher

What’s he doing?

I don’t know. What are you doing?

The hotel where they’re staying. It was on their registration form.

Yeah? So?

When Dianne signed in... [flashback to Dianne filling her registration sheet out on Monk’s back] We were standing in line. She wrote... she wrote on my back. [Natalie smiles, realizing what Monk is doing]

Lt. Disher

Can he do that?

It's how he met Trudy! It’s his superpower!

Oh, there’s her name. Home address.

Natalie Teeger

Okay, Mr. Monk, it was near the bottom.

She has terrible penmanship. Why did it have to be cursive? [Makes what almost appear to be spasms as he tries to remember what Dianne wrote] She ordered the prime rib, medium rare.

Keep going. It’s just below that.

Yeah, there’s an L, uh, L-E... Lexus! Is there a Lexus Hotel?

No that’s the car they drove, Monk!

Keep going. [Monk finally reaches the section with the hotel name]

There’s a “P”, “P”, No! “P”, “P”, “B”! “B”! “B”!

“B”?

It’s a “B.” It’s a “B.” It’s a “B.” “L.”

NCNatalie and Capt. Stottlemeyer

Bla…

“A.”

The Bla…The Blaza…

Lt. Disher

The Blaza! Plaza!

B-L-A…The Bla…The Blab…

S5 Mr. Monk and the Class Reunion

The Blakemore Hotel!

Lt. Disher

It’s right up the street! [They take off]

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[Noticing Randy in the crowd, Stottlemeyer calls him from a few feet away]

Lt. Disher

[Feigning illness] Hello?

Hey, Randy. How ya doing, buddy? I-I was worried about you.

Lt. Disher

Captain?

Yep?

Lt. Disher

[Fake coughs] What time is it? [Long pause]

Oh, I'm sorry! Did I wake you up? [Pause] Hey, what's that music I hear?

Lt. Disher

Oh, [Fake coughs] it's my stereo. It's broken! I can't turn it down!

It's LOUD!

Lt. Disher

Listen, Captain, thanks for calling!

Sure.

Lt. Disher

I'm gonna get up now; make myself some soup.

Soup? Yeah soup is good; fluids are good. Drink plenty of fluids.

Lt. Disher

Fluids. Okay, thanks for calling, Captain.

Take care. [Randy hangs up, turns to a woman next to him and says]

Lt. Disher

My boss! [Stottlemeyer puts his hand on Randy's shoulder, and Randy spins around] Whoa. Captain.

Lieutenant.

Lt. Disher

Did you, uh, did you call in sick, too?

S5 Mr. Monk Goes to a Rock Concert

No, Randy. I'm looking for Jared.

Lt. Disher

Well, here's what happened with me: I was on my way to a doctor, and uh... I got nothing. Let's go find Jared. [Takes one last sip of his beer before putting it down and walking away with Stottlemeyer]

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[Jared has caught the incriminating ball on top of the scaffolding for one of the speakers]