Captain Leland Stottlemeyer quotes from Monk

Stottlemeyer

A hundred and fifteen? People that old, they die! It's like their job!

Stottlemeyer

Did Adrian Monk just jump into a garbage truck?

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Hey! You were right, one of your gizmos caught the killer.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

[Comes to Leyla's apartment with a search warrant, and upon entering, he notices that Monk is wearing only a bathrobe] Here's something I never thought I'd say out loud: Where are your pants?

Captain Stottlemeyer

Oh, Sheldon Burger, who let you off your leash?

I just came from the hospital. Bodyguard didn't make it. Mayor's on his way back from Sacramento. Look, I don't have to tell you, Captain. We're on a bus to hell.

Captain Stottlemeyer

I understand.

If we don't slam dunk this, it's gonna look like we're not trying.

Captain Stottlemeyer

I'm not an idiot, Sheldon! I've got every available man on the case.

No, you don't. Mayor wants you to bring in... your old friend.

Captain Stottlemeyer

[in disbelief] Monk?

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Oh, I'm sorry, I thought this was my office. Yeah, see, I-I'm confused because my name is on the door.

Adrian Monk

Don't... don't blame Sharona, Captain.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

I have no intention of blaming Sharona. [looks at his desk, which has been cleaned off] What happened here?

Adrian Monk

I took the liberty of straightening up a little.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Where is all my crap?

Adrian Monk

Obviously, I had to throw some things away.

Adrian Monk

What's--what's with this?

Captain Stottlemeyer

That's a smoke alarm. She was in the kitchen cooking something when he broke in. It started to burn.

Lt. Randall Disher

A little girl across the street saw the guy turning it off.

Adrian Monk

So there was a witness?

Lt. Randall Disher

She's 10 years old. She didn't see much.

Captain Stottlemeyer

So the perp breaks in. He goes berserk in here. The victim runs upstairs and calls 911.

Adrian Monk

It's strange.

Captain Stottlemeyer

What's strange?

Adrian Monk

The phone. He didn't take the phone off the hook. So, what? He just let her call 911? [Monk inspects the kitchen. He finds a few leftovers in the fridge] Any prints?

Captain Stottlemeyer

Nope, nothing so far.

Adrian Monk

So, she's here cooking. He breaks in. He's a big guy. Lot of noise.

Captain Stottlemeyer

He must've cornered her in here, and then chased her out and caught up with her in the bedroom?

Adrian Monk

I would've grabbed a knife. [points to the knife rack] Why didn't she grab a knife?

Captain Stottlemeyer

I don't know. [Monk observes the bedroom] She was over here on the phone. Severe blunt trauma to the head with a baseball bat. [Monk eyes one of the phones]

Adrian Monk

Has this phone been touched?

Captain Stottlemeyer

No, no. The scene's intact. [Monk holds the phone with a handkerchief to avoid contaminating fingerprints; he punches a button on the receiver but only gets static until he pulls up the antenna]

Adrian Monk

The antenna has to be up to get a signal in here.

Captain Stottlemeyer

So?

Adrian Monk

Somebody lowered it all the way after the call. You don't usually see that when someone's getting bludgeoned to death.

Sharona Fleming

Dale Biederbeck?

Adrian Monk

They call him Dale the Whale.

Sharona Fleming

I never heard of him.

Captain Stottlemeyer

He spends a fortune every year making sure nobody ever hears of him. He buys newspapers just to keep his name out of them. [they get off the elevator, their movements monitored by a camera] All right, I want everybody to be careful in there. This guy is smart. He's gonna try to bait you. Assume you're being videotaped. Do not accuse him of anything. Now, Monk, I don't have to remind you that this bastard's got deep pockets, and he's got a platoon of lawyers and he loves to use them.

Sharona

You met him? What happened? [They are interrupted by Dr. Vezza's arrival]

Captain Stottlemeyer

Excuse me, Doctor. Now, if Biederbeck is too big to get out of the room, how'd he get there in the first place? He's like a ship in a bottle.

Dr. Christiaan Vezza

Well, when he first bought the apartment, he weighed a mere 422 pounds. He could still walk. On a good day, he could see his toes. Then his mother died, and he had a complete breakdown. He started bingeing. He would call restaurants and order everything on the menu. He topped out at 927 pounds. That was a decade ago. He has not left the room since.

Captain Stottlemeyer

Like I said, it's just not possible.

Lt. Disher

What time is it?

Captain Stottlemeyer

[checks his watch] No, don't ask. [Randy looks at his watch and both policemen sigh.] Whew.

Lt. Disher

Oh-- [sniffs] Okay. Okay. Okay. Maybe we're looking at this all wrong. Maybe he killed her in his apartment, and then he somehow moved the body back to her house.

Captain Stottlemeyer

No. What about the 911 call? She made it from the house.

Lt. Disher

What about liposuction?

Captain Stottlemeyer

What?

Lt. Disher

Liposuction, yeah! He... he lipo'd himself down to like, uh... I don't know, like 400 pounds. Down the elevator, across town... killed the judge.

Captain Stottlemeyer

Well, how did he gain all the weight back?

Lt. Disher

Reverse liposuction.

Captain Stottlemeyer

Oh, my God.

Lt. Disher

Yeah, he just pumped it all back in.

Captain Stottlemeyer

You think that's possible?

Lt. Disher

I don't know. Should I call a doctor?

Captain Stottlemeyer

No. [chuckles] Let's keep our reverse liposuction theory to ourselves. Okay, Randy?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Hello, Mr. Biederbeck.

Captain. I really wish you would've called. I'm a little busy at the moment.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

I'm here to arrest you for the murder of Judge Kate Lavinio. [tosses Dale an envelope] That's a warrant. Duly sworn.

[to the girl on TV] Sweetheart, I'm gonna have to call you back. [turns off the monitor] Doctor, will you call Howard Klein and tell him we're suing the city for malicious prosecution…again? [Stottlemeyer motions towards the French doors]

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

I have hired a local construction company to take out this door. We're gonna get a crane here and lower your fat ass down to the street.

[laughs] A crane? Oh, that's rich. But would you mind explaining to me how I'm supposed to have killed the bitch? I can't leave this room, remember?

Captain Stottlemeyer

Mr. Monk!

Well, my, my, my. [Monk, Sharona, and a uniformed cop enter, carrying two chairs] It's the defective detective once more. Lay it on me, Einstein.

Adrian Monk

These two chairs are from the judge's house. The killer stood on one of them when he turned off the smoke alarm. A girl in the neighborhood saw, quote, a very, very fat man standing on it. But there's something funny about the chair. It's not broken. [refers to the uniform] This is Sergeant Cargill from the 14th Precinct. Sergeant, how much do you weigh?

265.

Adrian Monk

Would you mind? [Cargill stands on top of the chair, which breaks under his weight] So, how could a very, very fat man have stood on it? There's only one explanation. He was a fat man, not a heavy man. Lieutenant? [Randy enters wearing Dr. Vezza's empathy suit] I visited your clinic today and borrowed one of your empathy suits. [Randy stands on the other chair, which does not break] Fat, but not heavy. I believe we have another warrant to serve.

Sharona Fleming

You son of a bitch.

Adrian Monk

I thought you were gonna do the right thing.

Captain Stottlemeyer

I think I did do the right thing.

Sharona Fleming

He saves your ass all the time, and he never asks for anything in return. He closes case after case, and then he goes home and watches you on the news taking all the credit!

Captain Stottlemeyer

I wanted to recommend you, I tried to recommend you, but I just couldn't do it. Adrian, you are not ready to carry a gun. You're not ready to have other cops depend on you under fire. In your heart, you know you're not ready. [Monk walks off]

Sharona Fleming

At least your friend Adam Kirk has the decency to stab people in the front.

Captain Stottlemeyer

Hey, Randy, did I ever tell you about Monk's first day as a detective?

Lt. Randall Disher

No, sir.

Captain Stottlemeyer

Take a seat. [Randy does] He didn't have a partner, so I got stuck with him.

Lt. Randall Disher

Was he, uh...? [motions to his head]

Captain Stottlemeyer

No, no. He was... a little wound. He used to clean the windshield and rearrange the glovebox before we'd roll. Anyway, we're the primaries on a body at a hotel in the Castro. A hooker had swallowed a bunch of promazine - you know, the big sleeping pills?

Horse tranquilizers, sir.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

I said suicide. Every cop on the scene said suicide. Medical examiner said suicide. Monk walks in, says murder. "Where's the water?" The room had no water! Simple. Eight people in the room, but nobody saw that.

Well, I'm sure you would have seen it eventually, sir.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Don't kid yourself. There is only one Adrian Monk.

Lt. Randall Disher

Captain.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

You just missed the deputy commissioner. Guess what he wanted to talk about? Murder rates spiking? The Sidney Teal investigation? No, all he wanted to know was what we're doing about the runaway cop.

Lt. Randall Disher

Fraidy Cop. [drops a newspaper on Stottlemeyer's desk; camera focuses on an article that is headlined "Who is Fraidy Cop?"]

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Excuse me?

Lt. Randall Disher

That's what they're calling him. [Stottlemeyer scruitinizes the article] We, uh, sort of pieced together the route he took. [He walks over to a blown up street map of San Francisco, and sighs wearily] I don't know. Okay. [He pulls out a few pushpins] After the shooting, three people saw him running west towards the park here, and on 19th, here, [Inserts a pushpin into an intersection] he flagged down a taxi.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

He took a taxi?

Lt. Randall Disher

Yeah, it gets worse. He, uh, threw up in the backseat. But we did get his blood type from the vomit. The taxi then, uh, dropped him off at a bar up on Geary Street... [inserts another pushpin on the map] ...there, where he sat in a booth at the back, apparently drinking bourbon and crying.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

He was crying? Oh, dear Lord.

Lt. Randall Disher

About midnight, an older woman in a brown station wagon was seen picking him up. Possibly his mother.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

He called his mom?

Lt. Randall Disher

Yeah.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Well, that son-of-a-bitch better hope I don't find him first. [He looks at the cartographic sketch of Fraidy Cop]

Captain Stottlemeyer

Sidney Teal did not suffer a nervous breakdown. The incident on Harrison Place was, in fact, a crime of passion. We believe that Mr. Teal, was in fact trying to murder Mr. Modine, who was linked romantically at one time with Mr. Teal's wife, Myra. Over the next 10 days, the D.A.'s office is going to decide whether or not they want to press charges against Mr. Modine for filing a false report. Any questions?

Captain, is there any news on Fraidy Cop?

Captain Stottlemeyer

No comment.

Captain, there's a story in today's Tribune that says the department knows the identity of Fraidy Cop, but is refusing to release it.

Is that true, Captain?

Captain Stottlemeyer

No comment. [The reporters all clamor for a few moments until Stottlemeyer interrupts] All right. Hey, hey. Hang on. I have another statement, and here it is: The next reporter that asks me about this so-called Fraidy Cop is going to be banned from all press conferences for a year.