Adrian Monk quotes from Monk

Stottlemeyer

I thought you were afraid of heights.

Monk

Snakes trump heights. It goes: germs, needles, milk, death, snakes, mushrooms, heights, crowds, elevators...

Stottlemeyer

Okay, okay -- I don't need the entire list.

Stottlemeyer

Monk, I'm going to say something I've wanted to say for a long time.

Monk

What is it?

Stottlemeyer

I just solved the case!

Leland Stottlemeyer

You win. I give up.

Adrian Monk

Excuse me?

Leland Stottlemeyer

First thing tomorrow, I am going to call the Vatican, and I am nominating your late wife, Trudy, for sainthood! Because you are IMPOSSIBLE!

Adrian Monk

The lines! They're all... diagonal! I have to live here!

Leland Stottlemeyer

FORGET ABOUT THE RUG! THIS IS NOT ABOUT THE RUG! YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE?!? DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE? You're the world's best marriage counselor! You could save every marriage in California! All people would have to do is live with you for two days! Two days, and they'd never complain about their spouse again!

Sharona Fleming

What do you think so far?

Adrian Monk

There's no legroom. It's so crowded.

Sharona Fleming

It's supposed to be crowded. It's sold out. You know, this play is going to New York. Can you believe it? My sister in an off-Broadway show?

Adrian Monk

So where is she?

Sharona Fleming

She's in the next scene. She kills a guy.

Adrian Monk

I hope it's the guy who designed these seats. [Gail enters]

Sharona Fleming

There she is. [From behind another door on stage, another actor, Hal Duncan, swings the door shut]

[as Bert] Hey, cuz. You miss me? [He picks up an apple and tosses it from hand to hand] Hope you don't mind. I let myself in.

Gail Fleming

But you're supposed to be in jail!

It's funny that phrase, “supposed to be”. I'm "supposed to be" in jail, you're "supposed to be" waiting for me! [He makes air quotes with his fingers when saying "supposed to be"] A man can't count on “supposed to be” the way he used to.

Gail Fleming

You know, my husband's upstairs! If he hears you he'll come down-

Your husband's downtown drowning himself in scotch and soda! I saw him leave about an hour ago.

Gail Fleming

I've got some money in my purse! Why don't you just take it and go?

You think I want your pocket change?! You think that's why I came back?! [Hal overturns the table, spilling all of its contents on the stage. Gail screams and secretly pulls out a knife]

Who ordered the tossed salad? Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! I came back for what's mine.

Gail Fleming

You know, if you don't leave, I'll--

You'll what? Huh? You'll do nothin'! [takes a bite of the apple he is holding] Like I said, I'm here for what's mine! [Gail stabs Hal with the prop knife. Hal screams, and staggers across the stage, obviously having a seizure]

Gail Fleming

Hal, are you okay? [Hal falls on the floor and starts having convulsions] Hal? Hal?

Adrian Monk

Mrs. Fleming.

Oh, no. Call me Cheryl.

Adrian Monk

Wipe?

Sharona Fleming

Not now.

Where's Benjy? I brought him a new baseball glove.

Sharona Fleming

Oh, he's not here. He's sleeping over at a friend's house.

You forgot I was coming, didn't you? No, that's all right. I understand. You're probably so excited about the show. So, how was it last night? Tell me everything. How was Gail? Were there any reviews?

Sharona Fleming

Hey, Ma, you know what? There's, there's something I've got to tell you.

What? A bad review?

Adrian Monk

Uh, you might wanna sit down, Cheryl.

Oh, no, I'm fine, I've been sittin' all day.

Sharona Fleming

Ma, you know what? I think it's best that we sit down.

Oh.

Sharona Fleming

Something happened last night at the show. [Sharona and Cheryl sit]

Okay.

Adrian Monk

There was a stabbing.

Oh, you mean, in the audience?

Adrian Monk

No, uh, no. Onstage, uh, during the show. The actor who was playing Burt was killed. Gail…stabbed him.

Oh, I know. I read the script.

Adrian Monk

No, no, Cheryl. He died.

Oh, I don't understand.

Sharona Fleming

Neither do we. Uh, the police think that she might have done it on purpose.

Adrian Monk

She's been arrested for murder in the second degree. There's a bail hearing tomorrow.

Gail?! [scoffs] No. I don't believe it. It's a mistake, right?

Adrian Monk

The police don't think so.

Well, they're wrong. Well, you're gonna help her, right? I mean, that's what you do. You're a couple of detectives, right?

Adrian Monk

Of course, we're going to help her. After all, we're…we're a couple of detectives. Right?

Sharona Fleming

Right.

Right.

Excuse me. What are you doing?

Adrian Monk

Uh, I was just…nothing.

Hey, don't fiddle with the props. I've got to know where these are in the dark, by touch, at a moment's notice. I've been juggling props for forty-four years. Ask me about the first prop I ever bought.

Adrian Monk

What was the…

The sword Richard Burton used in Camelot. I had to go to Scotland to get it.

Adrian Monk

Really? Wow. I'm, uh, I'm Adrian Monk, and this is Sh--she's usually right here. This is a terrible week. I'll bet.

Hey, that wasn't my fault. The cops had me under the lights all night long. I told them…I put the prop knife on the set. We use two knives on this show. A real one, and one like this: [O'Dell pulls out and stabs himself with a prop knife]

Adrian Monk

Hey, whoa! [The knife retracts; O'Dell laughs]

Don't wet yourself. The blade retracts into the handle. Gail must have switched the gag knife for the real one before the show.

Adrian Monk

May I? [He holds the prop knife up]

See? It doesn't feel like a real knife at all, does it?

Adrian Monk

No.

She had to know she was holding a real knife. What happened onstage Sunday night, that was no accident. That was a woman scorned. “Hell hath no fury,” right?

Adrian Monk

And you're sure you put a fake knife on the stage?

I swear. I put it there myself, half an hour before curtain.

Adrian Monk

And there was nobody else here?

Nope. Except Jenna. Jenna Ryan, Gail's understudy. She was checking in. They check in before the show, see if anybody's sick.

Oh! Excuse me! Have you registered?

Adrian Monk

For... what?

Speedy Dates. We do it here once a month.

Sharona Fleming

Oh, yeah yeah yeah. I-I read an article about this. It's for singles. Instead of spending all night with one jerk, you get to meet 15 jerks at once.

Yeah, that's not exactly how we would describe it.

I like your eyes.

Adrian Monk

Well, thank you. They came with the face.

So you're a former police officer.

Adrian Monk

That's right.

You still have your handcuffs?

Adrian Monk

Yes.

Can you show them to me sometime?

Adrian Monk

I don't see why you would want to... they're just handcuffs!

Sharona Fleming

So, how'd the dating go?

Adrian Monk

Oh, it was terrible! Thank God I'm not single!

Sharona Fleming

You are single.

Adrian Monk

Oh, yeah.

Adrian Monk

You... you enter from the right...

Sharona Fleming

You mean the left. That's stage left.

Adrian Monk

But it's on the right.

Sharona Fleming

But it's stage left. That's what they call it.

Sharona Fleming

My sister's an actress!

Adrian Monk

But- but- for the purposes of this recreation, let's just call it what they call it on Planet Earth.

Sharona Fleming

[sardonically] Like you would know.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Adrian Monk, old buddy, old pal, old chum.

Sharona Fleming

“Old buddy”? What have you done with the real Captain Stottlemeyer?

Adrian Monk

What do we have?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Mail bomb. An ounce and a half of plastique with a magnesium charge.

Lt. Randall Disher

There were two triggers: a chemical detonator wired to the wrapping, and a motion detector--so when you opened it and moved it, "boom".

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Not hard to make.

Lt. Randall Disher

Crude and unpredictable, actually.

Adrian Monk

Who's the victim?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Amanda Babbage, thirty-five years old. She lived here alone.

Adrian Monk

Nice house.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

It was a lot nicer two hours ago.

Adrian Monk

[notices the ATF agents] The Feds are here?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Yes, up the wazoo -- Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms. They're in charge, and they're not shy about saying so. Monk, if you can make me look good here, I would really appreciate it. I'd love to show these bastards up. Wouldn't hurt our careers either.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Okeydokey.

Adrian Monk

Who's Marion?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

You are. Marion the Librarian.

Adrian Monk

So, it's like a put-down.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Yup. It's a derogatory remark, Monk. What do you see?

Adrian Monk

[on Ricky] Oh, he's not the guy. He definitely knew his sister lived here. He was at a barbecue here two weeks ago.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

But the package was mailed to the old address.

Adrian Monk

Right, and he said he tied the surfboard to the room himself. Look at these knots. They're a mess. Crude, tangled, but the knot we saw inside on the bomb, was a work of art.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

So the feds--

Adrian Monk

Are barking up the wrong tree. You said there was another brother.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Yeah, Brian, but he's a dead end.

Lt. Randall Disher

Or practically dead.

Sharona Fleming

What do you mean?

Lt. Randall Disher

The guy's in a coma.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

We saw it happen. Four months ago, he got t-boned by a pickup truck. Cracked his skull. It was really unnecessary. The guy just baited me and Randy and--and stepped on the gas.

Lt. Randall Disher

It was my first car chase.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

That didn't count. The guy didn't go half a block. You didn't get the car in gear!

Lt. Randall Disher

It counted.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

It wasn't a chase, Randy.

Lt. Randall Disher

We ran to the car.

Adrian Monk

Anyway, uh…four months ago. So, he wouldn't have known that his sister had moved.

Lt. Randall Disher

[to Sharona] It counted.

Adrian Monk

I'd like to meet him.

Adrian Monk

He's the guy.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Who? [Monk indicates comatose Brian] Him? Monk, he's a vegetable! He's not even a vegetable! He hopes to one day be a vegetable!

Captain Stottlemeyer

I just got kicked out of my own interrogation room.

Lt. Randall Disher

You want some coffee, sir?

Captain Stottlemeyer

No, Randy. What I want is for that A.T.F. CREEP to eat crow!

Adrian Monk

Well, we know who did it, and we know why. We just don't know how.

Captain Stottlemeyer

Monk, again, he's in a coma.

Adrian Monk

He's the guy.

Captain Stottlemeyer

In twenty seconds, Agent Grooms is gonna come walking through that door, and he's gonna ask me what I think. Give me something else, for the love of God.

Lt. Randall Disher

Okay, wait. I have an idea. Maybe he had an accomplice.

Captain Stottlemeyer

Yes, somebody else mailed the damn thing. Why not?

Sharona Fleming

I already had that idea. Tell him.

Adrian Monk

There was no accomplice. Why would Brian Babbage hire one? He didn't know he was gonna be in a coma.

Sharona Fleming

It's not exactly something you can plan.

Adrian Monk

All right. Anyway, why would an accomplice bother to go through with it? There was no reason to. The guy who hired him was in a coma.

Captain Stottlemeyer

All right, so... Brian built the bomb, and then Brian mailed the bomb, by himself.

Adrian Monk

That's right.

Captain Stottlemeyer

While he was in a coma.

Adrian Monk

[admiringly] You gotta admit -- it's a pretty good alibi. It's rock solid!

Captain Stottlemeyer

Monk, I have known 15,000 criminals in my lifetime. Here's what they all have in common: THEY'RE CONSCIOUS!

Adrian Monk

Nonetheless.

Stottlemeyer

Is your shrink coming back soon?

Agent Grooms

Captain. Sorry about in there, I, uh, work better one on one.

Captain Stottlemeyer

All right. So, how's it look?

Agent Grooms

He's bending not breaking. I'll get him. About to write up my case report, uh, I'm gonna list him as my primary. I'll need you to sign off on that. Right? Be easier to get an indictment if we're all on the same page.

Captain Stottlemeyer

I'm thinking… [glances at Monk] Maybe it's the other brother.

Agent Grooms

Well, there's only one other brother, and... he's in a coma.

Captain Stottlemeyer

That's the one. I think, uh, I think we should look into him.

Agent Grooms

He's a vegetable, Captain.

Captain Stottlemeyer

I know.

Agent Grooms

Don't you think that eliminates him as a suspect? I mean, I'm just…curious. How do you think he did it?

Captain Stottlemeyer

We're still working on that.

Agent Grooms

Yeah. Well, good luck with that, Captain. Uh, keep me informed.

Adrian Monk

He was looking for a lawyer.

Sharona Fleming

That's no surprise. He was suing his whole family.

Adrian Monk

No, no, no. These are criminal lawyers. Look at the name he circled: “Scott Butterworth”.

Sharona Fleming

I know that name.

Adrian Monk

"Suspended twice." He was a hack. Brian Babbage could afford any attorney in town. Why would…why would anyone want to hire a bad lawyer?