Adrian Monk quotes from Monk

Adrian Monk

He was a thirsty victim...

Sharona Fleming

Adrian.

Adrian Monk

I mean, the perfect victim.

Sharona

Thank you, Adrian! [pause] I thought I'd thank you now, because in a half an hour, you're probably gonna piss me off again.

Monk

You're welcome.

They say that when you lose an arm, you can still feel it. That's what it feels like. I miss her so much. How do you... how do you go on? How do you keep working?

Adrian Monk

When Trudy fell in love with me, I was a detective. I was on the street, breaking cases. So I keep working. I keep trying to be the man she loved. That's all you can do: be the man she loved.

Monk

Can I make a prediction here? You're each going to say, "Oh, my God" twice.

Sharona

Okay, here it is!

Monk

Don't blink.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Oh, my God.

Lt. Disher

Oh, my God!

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Oh, my...

Lt. Disher

Oh, my God!

Monk

[off Stottlemeyer's look] My God.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Ah. Okey-dokey, bad man all gone. He's directing traffic on Ridgewood Avenue.

Adrian Monk

Did he understand?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

No, he didn't understand. I've known you a long time, Adrian, and I don't understand.

Sharona Fleming

Can we just focus on the work now?

Adrian Monk

OK.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

All right. It's 12:30, the place is packed. Everybody's having a good time. Then the perp, dressed in black, comes down the fire escape, and leaps down.

Adrian Monk

Wait a minute, he leaps down?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Yep. [points] Now the maitre'd is here, trying to call 911 on his cell phone. He confronts the perp, the perp does a spin move... [spins and lifts up his foot; imitating the killer] Hits the phone out of the maitre'd's hand.

Adrian Monk

Really?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

At this point, pulls a gun, fires one round, right through the guy's heart - killshot. [imitates pulling a gun]

Adrian Monk

From here? What is that, thirty feet?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Thirty-four. I know, that's a hell of a shot. We pulled that slug out of the planter box.

Lt. Randall Disher

Look at this. [He shows Monk an evidence bag containing the recovered bullet]

Adrian Monk

[incredulous] What did he use? A cannon?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

That's a .454 from a Ruger Casull.

Lt. Randall Disher

They use it on safaris, to stop elephants.

Adrian Monk

And who was the victim?

Lt. Randall Disher

[looks at his notes] Uh, his name is Sergei Cluvarias. They're running it now.

Adrian Monk

Table's set for two. Who was his date?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Some broad. She ran off. We'll have a sketch soon. [Monk looks at the table]

Adrian Monk

Uh-huh. Where is the sugar?

Lt. Randall Disher

Sugar? [We see a close up of the empty sugar bowl, with just a trace of unrefined sugar lining it]

Adrian Monk

The sugar cubes. This bowl's empty. All the other bowls are full.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

You're right. What's that mean?

Adrian Monk

I don't know. What about the cashier?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

No, showed zero interest. This wasn't about money.

Lt. Randall Disher

Or it was, and he got scared away. [Monk picks up something off another table with his fingers]

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

What's that?

Adrian Monk

Wood shavings.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Wood shavings?

Adrian Monk

Sawdust?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Randy! [Randy comes back with an evidence bag]

Adrian Monk

What happened next?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Well, the getaway, which is why you're here. I thought this might be right up your alley.

Lt. Randall Disher

No pun intended. [Stottlemeyer and Monk shoot a nasty glare at Randy]

Adrian Monk

What pun is that?

Lt. Randall Disher

Because of the alley.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Shecky, can I continue? All right. For once, the witnesses are all on the same page: they all saw the perp jump to this table, and then leaped up to this bar [He gestures to show the killer's actions] …and did a somersault, and then over the valet, runs down the street and makes a left turn down the alley.

Adrian Monk

Is there a circus in town?

Lt. Randall Disher

A circus? [An officer hands something to Randy]

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Ha ha. Circus. That makes a lot of sense. [Randy turns to them]

Lt. Randall Disher

Sir?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Yeah?

Lt. Randall Disher

We just got a positive on the victim. He's the master of ceremony at the Dratch & Denby Traveling Circus.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Master of ceremonies?

Lt. Randall Disher

Yeah, the ringmaster.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

At the circus?

Lt. Randall Disher

Oh, wow! Dratch & Denby Circus. Founded in 1947. They do 400 shows a year in 65 different towns. Cool!

Lt. Randall Disher

[laughs dryly] Payroll, 240 people.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Yeah, and he's using the term "people" very loosely. [a bearded lady and a weight-lifting woman walk past Stottlemeyer. Just then someone bangs into Sharona]

Sharona Fleming

Ooh! You okay?

Adrian Monk

I'm not really in my comfort zone here.

Sharona Fleming

You have a comfort zone?

Adrian Monk

Yes, I have a comfort zone. [He jumps as a woman snake-charmer sticks a python in his face]

Sharona Fleming

I've never seen your comfort zone.

Adrian Monk

It's not very big. It's, uh... [tries to size it up with his hands]...it's kind of small. I-I don't have a comfort zone.

Sharona Fleming

Where do we start?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Well, we follow the gun. There's a Ruger Casull handgun registered to an employee here.

Lt. Randall Disher

Yeah, his name's Nikolai Petroff. He's, uh, one of the animal trainers.

Adrian Monk

You go on ahead. We're going to poke around on our own.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

All right. Meet you back here in a bit, but stay out of trouble. [Randy gets side-tracked by one of the carnival stalls where a kid is ready to shoot for a prize with a toy rifle. He asks to try it and Stottlemeyer watches him in disbelief]

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Randy! [Randy reluctantly walks away from the midway game]

Adrian Monk

What is your name?

Ariana Dakkar.

Adrian Monk

Miss Dakkar, we're investigating the death of Sergei Cluvarias.

Why talk to me?

Adrian Monk

You were with him last night, weren't you? At the cafe when he was killed.

Who told you that?

Adrian Monk

No one told me. You shouldn't have taken all the sugar cubes from the table.

I shouldn't have run away, I know, but I was scared. I was sure she was going to kill me, too.

Adrian Monk

"She"? You think the killer was a woman? [Ariana's demeanour changes]

I don't think anything. I know exactly who it was! I know she was crazy, but I never thought she would try something in public.

Sharona Fleming

Who?

Natasia Lovara. She calls herself The Queen of The Sky.

Adrian Monk

An acrobat.

Sergei's ex-wife. Jealous bitch! [As she continues to talk, she goes off to reach into her purse for a grooming impliment] She couldn't stand the thought of him having a life. If she's miserable, everybody else has to be miserable. She tried to kill him before, six months ago, but there wasn't enough evidence to indict her.

Sharona Fleming

If you know who did it, why didn't you go to the police?

Adrian Monk

Because she was afraid. You're not a citizen yet, but you're about to take your naturalization test, and you didn't want to draw attention to herself.

How did you know that?

Adrian Monk

The pamphlet in your bag. You're studying the U.S. Constitution, something no citizen would ever do. Good luck, by the way.

Thank you, Mr. Monk.

Adrian Monk

A leopard and panther wrangler.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Yep, he works with the leopards and the panthers, and he's got a .454 Ruger Casull handgun, which he says he can't find.

Lt. Randall Disher

He had the hots for the horse trainer the vic was seeing. And get this - he's a trapeze artist wannabe. He's been practicing. They say he's pretty good. [Randy takes a sip of his coffee]

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

And that's how we spell primary suspect.

Adrian Monk

Hmm. He's left-handed.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Well, yeah, he works in the circus.

Adrian Monk

What's that supposed to mean?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

They're freaks. They're all ambidextrous.

Adrian Monk

Says who?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Circus people are ambidextrous. I read that somewhere.

Adrian Monk

I like the ex-wife. You should have seen her. She's cold as ice.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Cold as ice with a broken foot.

Adrian Monk

She's got a bad temper.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

A bad temper with a broken foot.

Adrian Monk

You keep coming back to the foot!

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Monk, the killer did a somersault, and then ran away in front of witnesses.

Adrian Monk

That's precisely why I think it's her. Why else would the killer jump around like that in front of witnesses? [Sharona suddenly grabs his bottle of Sierra Springs] There's only one reason - to prove... [Monk looks stunned as Sharona takes a big swig from his bottle]...prove that she couldn't. [She places it firmly back in his hand with a loud sigh of satisfaction, then wipes her mouth with the back of her hand. She glares at him]

Sharona Fleming

Suck it up!

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Are you guys all right?

Adrian Monk

Yeah, we're fine.

Sharona Fleming

Fine.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Okay, as I was saying, she has a broken foot.

Adrian Monk

It's in a cast. We don't know if it's really broken.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

We haven't exactly been sleeping here, Monk. Lieutenant?

Lt. Randall Disher

[glances at his notepad] Her story checks out. She broke her left foot two weeks ago in Kansas City. [enter black and white flashback as Randy voices over] She always ended the show with something she called the triple tailspin. [We see Natasia doing her tailspin, but she fails to grab the next performer's legs and falls to the ground] You know, it's her specialty move. Anyway, she, uh, missed the bar or something and fell 25 feet [She hits the ground, writhing in pain, terrifying the crowd], in front of 750 pretty freaked out people.

Adrian Monk

Ahem. She missed the net?

Lt. Randall Disher

She never used a net.

Adrian Monk

She go to the hospital?

Lt. Randall Disher

No, she's a Romani gypsy. They don't believe in doctors. She set the bone herself.

Adrian Monk

So she never saw a doctor, which means a doctor never saw her. Captain.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

All right, Monk. Lieutenant, see if our Queen of the Sky will consent to an X-ray.

Lt. Randall Disher

Fine. [walks out of the room, visibly unhappy at Monk]

Adrian Monk

Thank you.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

You're welcome. [Monk offers his bottle of Sierra Springs over to Sharona, who just glares at him]

Adrian Monk

You want to finish it? [Stottlemeyer walks up to the, and takes the offered bottle Monk is still holding out with a sarcastic face to Sharona]

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

You know, when Karen and I were having trouble last year, we went to a marriage counselor, a guy named Mosely. Decent guy. He didn't help us much, but I'm sure Karen has the number if you'd like it.

Sharona Fleming

We're not married, and if we ever get married, shoot me!

Adrian Monk

You know who you should never marry? The Elephant Man!

Sharona Fleming

I'd marry the Elephant Man before I married you!

Adrian Monk

Sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Don't worry about them. They know how to fall. It's the first thing we learn. You brought your camera, Mr. Monk. [Monk regains his composure]

Adrian Monk

Oh, sure. I love it here. It's so upbeat.

You hate it here. You think I can walk. You're trying to catch me.

Adrian Monk

You're right. I was.

You saw the x-rays, Mr. Monk. How can I walk on this? I'm curious. What is your theory?

Adrian Monk

Some people have a very high threshold for pain. They can take it.

Mm, nice try, but any doctor will tell you it's impossible. Besides, I was married to Sergei for 15 years. That's enough pain for a lifetime.

Adrian Monk

You fell two weeks ago. Is that right?

Your point?

Adrian Monk

Your cast looks – looks like new. No scuff marks. It's not even discolored.

Again, nice try. My old one was itching.

Adrian Monk

Ah.

So I put a new one on four days ago. [An organ playing fanfare is heard] The show is about to begin. You are missing it.

Adrian Monk

You're wrong, Natasia. I'm not missing a thing.

Adrian Monk

I wanna make sure I understand this. I have a problem... you know the answer...

Dr. Charles Kroger

That's right.

Adrian Monk

I'm paying you...

Dr. Charles Kroger

That's right.

Adrian Monk

...but you won't tell me.

Dr. Charles Kroger

That's right. Adrian, the answer is inside you.

Adrian Monk

No, doctor, the... answer is inside you. If you told me, I would hear it, and then the answer would be inside me!

Adrian Monk

Everyone just accepted the fact that your foot was broken. [Floppy sticks up his oversized shoe and flips it back, pretending to be in pain] What is your problem?!

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Hey, clown! Take a walk!

Like Tolstoy, you know how to tell a clever story, but you need proof. The elephant isn't talking. Anyone could have put that radio thing in her ear.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Randy, take that thing down to the lab straight away.

Adrian Monk

I don't think they'll find any prints. She's too smart. I'm sure she wiped it down... [Natasia looks smug] Then again, that walkie looks brand new, which means she had to put batteries in it. [The smug look fades.] You did remember to wipe your prints off the batteries, didn't you, Natasia?

[makes honking sound, mimes drawing a gun with hands] Wocka wocka!

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

All right, that's it, freak. You're under arrest! [handcuffs the clown]

For what?!

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

For impersonating an officer!

Sharona Fleming

Oh, just suck it up.

Adrian Monk

I don't think it's my turn to suck it up, I think it's your turn to suck it up.

Hey, why don't you both suck it up?

Sharona Fleming

Excuse me! Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?

No.

Sharona Fleming

Well, you should. Come here.

Leland Stottlemeyer

Adrian Monk, have you studied the room?

Monk

Yes, I have.

Leland Stottlemeyer

Have you formed an opinion about the cause of Miles Holling's death?

Monk

Yes, I have.

Leland Stottlemeyer

And what is your opinion, Adrian Monk?

Monk

He... was murdered. [into Stottlemeyer's cell phone] He was murdered, Karen.

I knew it!

Leland Stottlemeyer

Sweetheart? I'm gonna strangle Monk, and then I'll call you right back.

Monk

So what do you think?

Stottlemeyer

Well, why ask me? My hippie wife's a much better cop than I am.

Monk

Don't say that.

Stottlemeyer

Look, I don't mind living in your shadow, Monk; you're a freak of nature.

Monk

Thank you.