[Benjy turns on the tap and rusty colored water comes out]
Gail FlemingOh yeah, it always gets like that after an earthquake. Fortunately, I always keep some mineral water around for situations like this... Where's my water?
[She opens the cupboard under the sink, which is empty. Cuts to the bathroom, where Monk is soaking in the tub, surrounded by empty plastic bottles.]
Gail Fleming
[banging on the door] Mr. Monk?
Don't come in, I'm taking a bath.
Gail Fleming
With my mineral water?!
I tried the water from the tap, it was a little rusty.
Gail Fleming
Yeah well, enjoy that bath, it's costing me $95 dollars!
[oblivious to her sarcasm] Thank you!
So, uh... what's it like, having Adrian Monk as a house guest?
Gail Fleming
Well, a few years ago, a squirrel got into the house, and I could hear it running through the attic and the walls. Took me two months to get rid of it. Drove me crazy.
Gail Fleming
And, that's what it's like!
[First lines; Monk and Sharona are watching Gail's performance]
What do you think so far?
There's no legroom. It's so crowded.
It's supposed to be crowded. It's sold out. You know, this play is going to New York. Can you believe it? My sister in an off-Broadway show?
She's in the next scene. She kills a guy.
I hope it's the guy who designed these seats. [Gail enters]
There she is. [From behind another door on stage, another actor, Hal Duncan, swings the door shut]
HDHal Duncan
[as Bert] Hey, cuz. You miss me? [He picks up an apple and tosses it from hand to hand] Hope you don't mind. I let myself in.
Gail Fleming
But you're supposed to be in jail!
HDHal Duncan
It's funny that phrase, “supposed to be”. I'm "supposed to be" in jail, you're "supposed to be" waiting for me! [He makes air quotes with his fingers when saying "supposed to be"] A man can't count on “supposed to be” the way he used to.
Gail Fleming
You know, my husband's upstairs! If he hears you he'll come down-
HDHal Duncan
Your husband's downtown drowning himself in scotch and soda! I saw him leave about an hour ago.
[Hal fusses with Gail's blouse]
Gail Fleming
I've got some money in my purse! Why don't you just take it and go?
HDHal Duncan
You think I want your pocket change?! You think that's why I came back?! [Hal overturns the table, spilling all of its contents on the stage. Gail screams and secretly pulls out a knife]
HDHal Duncan
Who ordered the tossed salad? Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! I came back for what's mine.
Gail Fleming
You know, if you don't leave, I'll--
HDHal Duncan
You'll what? Huh? You'll do nothin'! [takes a bite of the apple he is holding] Like I said, I'm here for what's mine! [Gail stabs Hal with the prop knife. Hal screams, and staggers across the stage, obviously having a seizure]
Gail Fleming
Hal, are you okay? [Hal falls on the floor and starts having convulsions] Hal? Hal?
Monk · 667 quotes
