A character in Monk
Played by Tony Shalhoub
Monk · 667 quotes
Most-quoted character in Monk: in 475 of its 667 quotes
Most scenes with: Natalie Teeger (162), Captain Leland Stottlemeyer (140), Sharona Fleming (82)
Why can't you be happy for me?
Adrian MonkI am happy for you. This is me, being happy for you. I was just telling Brian how happy you seem.
Who's Brian?
Adrian MonkBrian Babbage.
The coma guy? He woke up?
Adrian MonkNo.
But you were talking to him.
Adrian MonkHe's a good listener.
[Monk and Sharona have narrowly survived a bomb blast]
Okay, they pieced together enough of the package to get a postmark. It was mailed from Pacific Heights three days ago.
Different post office, same type of explosive.
Adrian Monk[yelling] Well, don't use that bathroom, it's a mess!
You don't have to shout!
Adrian Monk[still yelling] Why are you whispering?!
The U.S. Post Office unwittingly became the Messenger of Evil. Who'd a thunk it?
MonkWell put, Tamil.
That assistant, she called you.
Mm-hmm. Diane Luden.
Yeah, I gave her your name. I figured you'd collect a nice payday after you convinced her she was crazy.
Adrian MonkActually, I think she might be on to something.
We'd like to look at the official file.
Look, there is no D'Souza case. It was an accident. The barbell slipped, crushed his trachea.
He was alone in his apartment on the thirty-fifth floor.
Adrian MonkI know.
There was only one way up. It was a private elevator. Nobody else used it.
Adrian MonkI know.
The apartment was locked from the inside.
Adrian MonkI know.
Are you gonna be cooperating on this or not?
If you two wanna go tilting at windmills, be my guests. But this time, Monk, you're on your own.
Adrian MonkOkay, forget it. Let's go. What's our first stop?
Sapphire Mansion. We have an appointment. [This gets Randy's attention]
Sapphire Mansion? You have an appointment?
Adrian MonkYes. Elliot D'Souza controlled that magazine. He was about to pull the plug on Dexter Larsen. I think Larsen might be involved.
Saphhire Mansion. I've never been. Have you ever been?
Once. Ten years ago.
Did your wife find out?
Yeah, I told her. In therapy, we were playing the honesty game.
Red Roof Inn?
Yup. This was before they built the new lobby.
You know, Captain. I think Monk might be on to something. Maybe we should tag along.
Lieutenant, I think you might be right.
Oh, God.
Hey, I'm married. I'm not dead.
Ugh.
[Monk is observing Dexter Larsen's room]
Adrian MonkThat's strange. Why would he need a mirror on the ceiling?
Try not to think about that now.
[Monk is searching Danny Bonaduce's car when Dexter Larsen spots him]
Detective, caddie, car thief. You wear many hats, Mr. Monk. You, uh…you looking for something?
Adrian MonkDid you drive this car, Mr. Larsen? Maybe Sunday morning?
Why would you think that?
Adrian MonkSomebody was smoking a cigar in here.
Well, a lot of people smoke cigars, Mr. Monk.
Adrian MonkRight, but the texture and size of this cigar ash are consistent with those from your precious Cubano de Oros.
Hmmm.
Adrian MonkHow did you do it?
You mean how did I, uh, rise from humble beginnings to achieve all of this?
Adrian MonkNo, no. I mean. How did you murder Elliot D'Souza?
What are you talking about? There was no murder. Elliot was alone. The door was locked.
Adrian MonkRight. How did you do it?
You've taken a great interest in me, and the truth is I've taken an interest on you too, and your friend Sharona. May I show you something? [produces a photograph from an envelope] My research staff is first rate. She must have been nineteen, maybe twenty. You know what? Th…that's…that's my favorite age. Hungry with no inhibitions. These were taken in Atlantic City. She was using a different name, but my lawyers assure me that the release that she signed is solid. I can publish them anytime I want.
Adrian MonkWhat kind of man are you?
I told you on the golf course, Mr. Monk. I do not lose. Now Sharona, she has a son, how old is he now?
Adrian MonkHe is twelve.
Twelve. That's an impressionable age. I think we understand each other, don't we? Any more questions about what happened to Elliott?
Adrian MonkNo.
You can let yourself out.
[Monk and Sharona go to Noelle Winters' apartment]
Hello.
Adrian MonkNoelle. Do you remember me?
Oh, yeah. From the party. Uh, Mr. Monk.
Adrian MonkThis is my assistant, Sharona.
Hi.
Adrian MonkDo you mind if we come in?
Uh, sure. Well, you'll have to excuse the mess. I'm still unpacking from my trip.
Adrian MonkNoelle, did you know that you were directly below Elliot D'Souza's apartment?
No. No, I knew he lived in the building.
Adrian MonkAt the party, you mentioned that Dexter Larsen found this apartment for you.
Yeah, that's right.
When was that?
Uh, about a month ago.
And then he sent you out of town?
Yeah, that's right. To London and Paris on a promotional tour. So, what's all this about anyway? [Monk spots some indentations in the carpet]
Adrian MonkDid you make these?
What?
Adrian MonkThese indentations on the carpet.
Uh, maybe. I might have or maybe they came from that chair.
Adrian MonkNo. No, they're not from the chair.
[Dexter finds the police at his house; Stottlemeyer, Monk and Sharona are waiting for him in his dining room]
What the hell is going on? [Stottlemeyer gives him a search warrant]
Dexter Larsen, that's a warrant, duly sworn, authorizing us to search your house.
Dex, I tried to call you. They've been here an hour. They've been looking everywhere!
Looking for what?
Adrian MonkLooking... for proof that you killed Elliot D'Souza.
Mr. Monk, are you serious? [notices that his Carvasia is lying on the dining room table] My Carvasia. I told you not to touch that!
Adrian MonkSorry, I'll get it. [He starts to grab for it]
No! No! Don't touch it. I'll do it. It's very valuable. [He tries to pick it up off the table, but it doesn't budge; Sharona stares at Dexter oddly]
Is there a problem?
What's wrong? Pick it up. Can't weigh more than fifteen pounds.
All right. What did you do? Did you glue it down?
Adrian MonkExcuse me, if I may. [He picks it up with ease] No, not glued. Your turn. [Dexter tries to pick it up again, but it is stuck to the table] We found it, Dexter.
Found what?
The magnet that you built. [Stottlemeyer moves aside a dining table chair, revealing that Randy is holding a large magnet to the underside of the table]
Randy, you can come out now, unless you're enjoying yourself down there. [Randy gets up, carrying the large magnet with him]
What's this supposed to be?
What, you don't recognize that? We found it in your workshop. It had fingerprints all over it. [to Monk] Go ahead.
[Monk and Sharona talk to handyman Ian Agnew about his lawsuit against the Babcocks]
Adrian MonkThank you for seeing us.
Oh, I don't mind. I don't get many visitors. So what can I do for you?
Adrian MonkMr. Agnew, we were wondering about your accident.
Please, sit down. [he appears to have a rather sudden pained reaction, possibly from the pipe]
[concerned] Ian, I used to be a nurse. Is there anything I can do?
No, thank you. Comes and goes. It's the pipe. [points to the protruding piece of metal pipe] I have a piece of pipe in my head. [pauses] I don't get many visitors! Please sit! Sit! Sit! Sit! Sit! Sit! Sit! Sit! Sit! Sit! Sit!...
Adrian MonkSir, about your accident.
Ah, the accident. I really don't remember much about it. We were building a cabana near the pool for the Babcocks. And I was working on the roof and there was a tile loose. And the next thing I knew, I woke up and I was a human smokestack. [laughs] I'll get it! [picks up the phone] Hello! Hello! Must be the wrong number. [to Monk and Sharona] HOW'S THAT COFFEE? [turns to an empty spot on the floor] BAD DOG!
[He turns back to Monk and Sharona]
I haven't worked since.
Adrian MonkHuh. How did you get the job?
Mrs. Babcock hired me. Although by the time I had started, she wasn't there anymore. They split up, she ran off, I never got the full story. I dealt mostly with her husband, Stew. I'll get it. [He picks up the phone again, about to talk to another imaginary caller] You know, I just changed my phone number, and it doesn't seem to help. I don't get many visitors!
Did you go to the trial?
I testified.
Did you spend any time with the jury?
No, ma'am. I wish I had. I wanted to thank them, they were very generous. I don't get many visitors! [singing] Daisy, Daisy, tell me your answer true! [turns back to the empty spot on the floor] BAD DOG! [then back to Monk and Sharona]
You know what I think I miss the most? [points to the pipe] Not having this pipe in my head. I have to take this. [picks up the phone again]
Hello. Hello.
[to Monk] I believe you're not the craziest man in the world.
[talking to the imaginary caller] How did you get this number?
Adrian MonkWe'll let ourselves out.
Tell me who this is right now! [Monk and Sharona walk out] Well I don't believe that for a minute!
[Monk and Sharona have arrived at the toll plaza]
MonkHandcuffed?
Handcuffed to one wrist and tied to seventy-feet of rope.
MonkUgh, God!
And then he was dragged west seven-tenths of a mile. I just saw the body. Or what’s left of it.
Oh, God.
The M.E. said he’s never seen anything like it. There’s no end to it.
MonkWhat do you mean?
I mean, this is number nine. Nine bizarre murders in the past two weeks. Every time my beeper goes off, my heart skips a beat.
MonkAre they connected?
No. No connection at all. I mean, four have been men, five women, all different ages. Latino, white, black.
MonkAnd the M.O.’s?
' All different. There’s been a couple of shootings, different weapons, a hit-and-run, a drowning, an electrocution. I mean, it’s, it’s like a full moon every night!
MonkAnd you’re sure that the cases have absolutely nothing in common?
Well, they have one thing in common, Monk. We can’t solve them. I swear, there’s something in the water.
[Monk refuses to reveal his intimacies with his late wife to his psychiatrist.]
Adrian, we can talk about your sex life with Trudy or we can sing show tunes until this session is over. It's your choice.
[pause]
Monk[singing] If ever would I leave you...
...
[Eventually, Monk stops singing. He looks at his watch and stares at Dr. Kroger for a while, then...]
Monk[singing] If ever would I leave you...
Adrian MonkWhy do you torture me like this?
Because I can.
[Monk solves a murder in France, just by reading the newspaper]
Listen to this: this is "News from Around the World," Paris, France. There is an unsolved murder; a woman was found strangled, and both of her hands were cut off.
Oh my God!
That happens all the time: no fingerprints. Makes it harder to ID the body.
Now here's the thing: they found the hands. They were a couple of meters away from the body in the grass.
Adrian MonkThe killer cut off both hands, but then left them near the body?
Yeah. She and her husband both worked as curators at the prison museum in the Bastille.
Adrian MonkPrison museum?
[cuts to a Paris police prefecture. A police lieutenant comes into his captain's office]
[in French] Captain Dupres, there is a detective calling from America. He has solved the murder of Madame Beaudreau.
[in French] He solved it?
[in French] By reading a newspaper, from 9,000 kilometers away! [Dupres sighs and picks up the phone]
Captain Dupres, Prefecture de Police. [cuts to Monk's apartment]
Bonjour. Je m'appelle Captain Leland Stottlemeyer. Je travaille avec le department de police de San Francisco. Uhhhh, parlez vous English? ["Hello, my name is Captain Leland Stottlemeyer. I work for the department of police of San Francisco. Do you speak English"]
I speak enough. What can I do for you?
Uh, hi, I've got a friend. His name is Adrian Monk.
Adrian Monk[into the phone] Bonjour.
He has a theory about an unsolved case of yours. Here, I'll put him on. [hands the phone to Monk] He speaks English well enough. [Monk wipes down the phone, pressing several of the other buttons]
Adrian MonkYes, yse, hello. I think I know who killed Madame Beaudreau.
[skeptically] Oui, Monsieur Monk, what is your theory?
Adrian MonkI think her husband did it.
Well, we suspected him from the beginning. But why did he cut off her hands?
Adrian MonkHe must have used a pair of handcuffs from the museum to restrain her.
I do not follow you.
Adrian MonkThey were antique handcuffs, very distinctive, so they could easily have been traced back to him.
Mon Dieu...
Adrian MonkHe must have lost the key. So he was desperate, he had to get them off the body.
Well, that makes sense! Lafitte, why didn't I think of that? Monsieur Monk, you are a genius! Perhaps someday, you will come to Paris so I can thank you in person.
[Monk, Sharona, Stottlemeyer and Disher arrive at a body shop to arrest a businessman named Malcolm Cowley for a hit-and-run death]
Is there a problem?
I was reading about you in the newspaper. [Shows the copy of the paper to Cowley] That's you, isn't it? "It Just Wasn't His Day." It says here that you had two accidents in the course of ten minutes: first you hit a little tree, and then you drove another half a mile and hit a lamppost.
That's right. Is that a crime?
Uh, yeah, it is if you were intentionally damaging your car so you wouldn't have to explain a smashed-in grille. See, Mr. Monk found this other article. [turns to a front page article] "Hit-and-Run Driver Kills a Grandmother." Same neighborhood. Same approximate time. We thought there might be a connection.
[looking at Cowley's car's headlights] Captain. Blood.
Turn around. Put your hands on the car. [Cowley complies and Stottlemeyer handcuffs him] You sir, are under arrest, for vehicular manslaughter, leaving the scene of a crime, and for the murder of Nestor Alvarez. Come with me. [He starts to lead Cowley away]
Adrian MonkHe's not the guy.
What? Monk, we've got him dead to rights.
Adrian MonkHe is guilty of the hit-and-run, but he didn't kill the paperboy. He didn't know who I was. There is something else in this newspaper, something I'm missing. [He drops the newspaper, disgusted, realizing that he has accidentally wiped his hands with a garage rag, smearing them with oil.] Oh, my God! Oh, the humanity!
[Monk and Sharona are at the Stop 'n Go]
How 'bout a lottery ticket?
Oh no. You just had a big winner. I never buy a ticket unless the jackpot's more than 10 million dollars.
Adrian Monk[pretending to laugh] Yeah, 10 million dollars. I don't know how they can even call that a jackpot.
Captain Leland StottlemeyerTed Levine · 239 quotes
Natalie TeegerTraylor Howard · 203 quotes
Sharona FlemingBitty Schram · 111 quotes
Lt. DisherJason Gray-Stanford · 100 quotes
Lt. Randall DisherJason Gray-Stanford · 68 quotes
Dr. Charles KrogerStanley Kamel · 17 quotes
Julie TeegerEmmy Clarke · 13 quotes
BFBenjy Fleming12 quotes
Jack MonkDan Hedaya · 12 quotes
Harold KrenshawTim Bagley · 7 quotes
DBDale Biederbeck6 quotes
Dr. Neven BellHéctor Elizondo · 5 quotes
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Monk pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
