[First lines; Monk and Sharona are watching Gail's performance]
What do you think so far?
There's no legroom. It's so crowded.
It's supposed to be crowded. It's sold out. You know, this play is going to New York. Can you believe it? My sister in an off-Broadway show?
She's in the next scene. She kills a guy.
I hope it's the guy who designed these seats. [Gail enters]
There she is. [From behind another door on stage, another actor, Hal Duncan, swings the door shut]
HDHal Duncan
[as Bert] Hey, cuz. You miss me? [He picks up an apple and tosses it from hand to hand] Hope you don't mind. I let myself in.
But you're supposed to be in jail!
HDHal Duncan
It's funny that phrase, “supposed to be”. I'm "supposed to be" in jail, you're "supposed to be" waiting for me! [He makes air quotes with his fingers when saying "supposed to be"] A man can't count on “supposed to be” the way he used to.
You know, my husband's upstairs! If he hears you he'll come down-
HDHal Duncan
Your husband's downtown drowning himself in scotch and soda! I saw him leave about an hour ago.
[Hal fusses with Gail's blouse]
I've got some money in my purse! Why don't you just take it and go?
HDHal Duncan
You think I want your pocket change?! You think that's why I came back?! [Hal overturns the table, spilling all of its contents on the stage. Gail screams and secretly pulls out a knife]
HDHal Duncan
Who ordered the tossed salad? Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! I came back for what's mine.
You know, if you don't leave, I'll--
HDHal Duncan
You'll what? Huh? You'll do nothin'! [takes a bite of the apple he is holding] Like I said, I'm here for what's mine! [Gail stabs Hal with the prop knife. Hal screams, and staggers across the stage, obviously having a seizure]
Hal, are you okay? [Hal falls on the floor and starts having convulsions] Hal? Hal?
[Monk meets Sharona's mother after being told several white lies]
CFCheryl Fleming
Oh, no. Call me Cheryl.
CFCheryl Fleming
Where's Benjy? I brought him a new baseball glove.
Oh, he's not here. He's sleeping over at a friend's house.
CFCheryl Fleming
You forgot I was coming, didn't you? No, that's all right. I understand. You're probably so excited about the show. So, how was it last night? Tell me everything. How was Gail? Were there any reviews?
Hey, Ma, you know what? There's, there's something I've got to tell you.
CFCheryl Fleming
What? A bad review?
Uh, you might wanna sit down, Cheryl.
CFCheryl Fleming
Oh, no, I'm fine, I've been sittin' all day.
Ma, you know what? I think it's best that we sit down.
Something happened last night at the show. [Sharona and Cheryl sit]
CFCheryl Fleming
Oh, you mean, in the audience?
No, uh, no. Onstage, uh, during the show. The actor who was playing Burt was killed. Gail…stabbed him.
CFCheryl Fleming
Oh, I know. I read the script.
CFCheryl Fleming
Oh, I don't understand.
Neither do we. Uh, the police think that she might have done it on purpose.
She's been arrested for murder in the second degree. There's a bail hearing tomorrow.
CFCheryl Fleming
Gail?! [scoffs] No. I don't believe it. It's a mistake, right?
The police don't think so.
CFCheryl Fleming
Well, they're wrong. Well, you're gonna help her, right? I mean, that's what you do. You're a couple of detectives, right?
Of course, we're going to help her. After all, we're…we're a couple of detectives. Right?
[Monk inspects the propmaster's toolbox]
ODO'Dell
Excuse me. What are you doing?
ODO'Dell
Hey, don't fiddle with the props. I've got to know where these are in the dark, by touch, at a moment's notice. I've been juggling props for forty-four years. Ask me about the first prop I ever bought.
ODO'Dell
The sword Richard Burton used in Camelot. I had to go to Scotland to get it.
Really? Wow. I'm, uh, I'm Adrian Monk, and this is Sh--she's usually right here. This is a terrible week. I'll bet.
ODO'Dell
Hey, that wasn't my fault. The cops had me under the lights all night long. I told them…I put the prop knife on the set. We use two knives on this show. A real one, and one like this: [O'Dell pulls out and stabs himself with a prop knife]
Hey, whoa! [The knife retracts; O'Dell laughs]
ODO'Dell
Don't wet yourself. The blade retracts into the handle. Gail must have switched the gag knife for the real one before the show.
May I? [He holds the prop knife up]
ODO'Dell
See? It doesn't feel like a real knife at all, does it?
ODO'Dell
She had to know she was holding a real knife. What happened onstage Sunday night, that was no accident. That was a woman scorned. “Hell hath no fury,” right?
And you're sure you put a fake knife on the stage?
ODO'Dell
I swear. I put it there myself, half an hour before curtain.
And there was nobody else here?
ODO'Dell
Nope. Except Jenna. Jenna Ryan, Gail's understudy. She was checking in. They check in before the show, see if anybody's sick.
[Monk and Sharona follow Jenna to a hotel, but are intercepted by a greeter for a conference.]
GGreeter
Oh! Excuse me! Have you registered?
GGreeter
Speedy Dates. We do it here once a month.
Oh, yeah yeah yeah. I-I read an article about this. It's for singles. Instead of spending all night with one jerk, you get to meet 15 jerks at once.
GGreeter
Yeah, that's not exactly how we would describe it.
[Monk is forced to go on a Speedy Date to talk to Jenna Ryan]
D1Date #1
I like your eyes.
Well, thank you. They came with the face.
D1Date #1
So you're a former police officer.
D1Date #1
You still have your handcuffs?
D1Date #1
Can you show them to me sometime?
I don't see why you would want to... they're just handcuffs!
[Monk is trying to use Sharona to reenact the crime scene, but Sharona is getting confused by Monk's directions]
You... you enter from the right...
You mean the left. That's stage left.
But it's stage left. That's what they call it.
[She shrugs at Monk's confusion.]
But- but- for the purposes of this recreation, let's just call it what they call it on Planet Earth.
[sardonically] Like you would know.
