[Monk realizes he was conned about a supposed leper]
MonkJulie, I was duped.
Monk
What?
[Giggles] Was he magically delicious?
[Natalie bursts in, having come back from her date with Dr. Polanski]
Okay, thanks, I'll talk to you later! Bye! [She immediately runs to the sink and turns on the faucet, drinking directly from the flexible tap] Hotter! I need it hotter!
It was great! Sweetheart, sweetheart, sweetheart, I need you to do me something: I need you to go upstairs and fill the bathtub with Listerine! Go-go-go-go-go! [Soon, Monk and Natalie are speaking simultaneously]
Monk
Natalie, listen to this!
I’ve gotta tell you something!
Monk
We’ve been duped! Are you ready for this?
I’ve been duped! Okay, you’re not gonna believe this!
Monk
He’s not a leper!
...He’s a leper! Oh God! [Struggles to get a bottle of soap open]
[During the probate hearing]
NSNephew's Lawyer
Mr. Monk, is this the man you saw? [Shows Monk a photo of a younger Derek Bronson]
Monk
I believe it is.
NSNephew's Lawyer
According to your testimony, you only saw him in a dimly lit bar and a parking garage. Hardly ideal conditions.
Monk
It’s true.
JLJudge Lawrence Barr
Well, Mr. Bronson’s nephews have been waiting a long time for this estate to be probated. I am reluctant to make a decision based on one man’s testimony.
MSMandy's Lawyer
Your Honor, Adrian Monk is not just anyone. His memory and powers of observation are legendary.
JLJudge Lawrence Barr
Well, there’s a lot at stake here. You say he has a great memory. Mr. Monk? Would you mind standing up and turning around? [Monk stands up and turns around] Could you describe my shirt?
Monk
Which one?
JLJudge Lawrence Barr
"Which one?"
Monk
The shirt you're wearing, or the shirt that your stenographer is wearing? That's your shirt, too, isn't it? You cut yourself shaving - there's a little drop of blood on her collar.
JLJudge Lawrence Barr
What are you implying?
Monk
You were having a sex affair with her on that couch. The cushions are backwards and one of her earrings fell off. So, it’s right here. Under here. [He walks over to the couch, and picks up the earring in question with his tweezers] She must have torn her blouse. I can see it sticking out of her briefcase.
JLJudge Lawrence Barr
I’m ready with my decision. I will accept Mr. Monk’s word that he met with Derek Bronson. Therefore, Mrs. Bronson will retain control of the entire estate.
[Monk is in session with Dr. Kroger; he hands Dr. Kroger a handout]
“Police Announce Hiring Freeze”.
Monk
A hiring freeze, for the next four years! By then, I’ll be too old to be reinstated! So, that’s it: I’ll never be a cop again!
All right, Adrian. I am truly sorry. I know how much reinstatement means to you.
Monk
Only everything! It was my reason for living. That’s all. What do I do now?
I think you go back to what you’ve been doing. Consulting.
Monk
For how long? I haven’t had a new client in weeks! The department hasn’t renewed my contract!
You know, Adrian, I think this is an opportunity for you to make a decision. A very important decision. Now, you can let this news completely depress you.
Monk
Okay. Thank you.
Or, you can look at this like an opportunity. A chance for you to reassess your life. Start over. Do something completely different.
Monk
Different?
Yeah...'different' can be good.
Monk
[Unconvinced] Different. Good... [whispers to self] Different? Good? [Pause]
Adrian, it's not too late, you know Winston Churchill did not become prime minister until he was sixty!
Monk
What are you talking about? I'll never become prime minister!
Monk
I don't even live in England; even if I did I, I'd be such a long shot-
Adrian! It’s just an example.
Monk
What do I do now?
[Monk and Natalie check out the crash scene]
Monk
Well this section of the guardrail is new. It must have happened right here. The car was heading west, went off the road here.
So you were right, she couldn’t have hit that rock.
Monk
[Sighs] It’s hard to tell without seeing the police report. Maybe…maybe the car flipped over! Maybe it spun around.
No, I think he did it! I think he killed his parents!
Monk
You really don’t like this guy, do you? What did he ever do to you?
Monk
No. [Becomes distracted by croaking] What is that noise?
Oh, frogs. They live in that pond over there. It’s mating season. They go crazy every year. [A frog hops out of the bushes]
Monk
Frog... (10x)
Monk
I don't know; I've never been this close to one. [A frog hops on his shoe] Yes, the answer is yes. Put frogs on the list. Where's the list?
[Monk is looking around the Buchanans' garage]
MMechanic
[Spots Monk] Can I help you? What the hell are you doing?
Monk
Sorry. I...
MMechanic
Are you here for the job interview?
Monk
[Improvising] Yes. The interview. Exactly.
MMechanic
Follow me. He’s been waiting for you.
[Cuts to Monk in the living room. Paul Buchanan comes in with a shotgun]
Sorry for the delay. [Shows shotgun] This is in case the interview doesn't go well. Just joking; I was just doing a little hunting. [Sets his shotgun down and pours himself a drink] All right, so you're here from the agency. Where's your resume?
Monk
I... lost it.
You lost your resume? Well that doesn't bode well, does it? What's your name?
Monk
Adrian....
Adrian? [Monk notices a copy of the book Moby-Dick by Herman Melville lying on a table]
Monk
Melville. Adrian Melville. [Paul notices the cleanliness of the room]
What's with this place? I had friends over last night; the place was a mess.
Monk
While I was waiting, I sort of tidied up.
I'm impressed. Very well done, Adrian Melville.
Monk
Thank you.
Did you do this? [Points to a finished jigsaw puzzle of a city skyline with a rainbow over it on another table]
Monk
Yes, sorry, I couldn't help myself.
What, in 20 minutes? I've been working on this puzzle for a month!
Monk
Sorry, I’ll mess it up again. I think I remember exactly how... [reaches forward, trying to restore the puzzle to the wya he found it]
No...! (5x) I’ve got a couple of stepsisters who think I never finish anything. Well, come on. Sit down. [They sit down in two adjacent chairs] Tell me, Melville. Who have you worked for? Anybody I know?
Monk
Mmm... I don’t think so. Leland Stottlemeyer of the San Francisco.... Stottlemeyers. Randy Disher. Dr. Charles Kroger....
Monk
And Natalie Teeger.
Natalie? Really? She grew up right down the street. I went to school with her when she was still Natalie Davenport. She had a big crush on me. Wouldn’t leave me alone.
Monk
Is that right?
How does she look? Does she still have that tattoo? [Monk stands up, shocked]
Monk
She has a tattoo?
Well, I guess you wouldn’t have seen it. Not where she put it. [Gets up] Look, I’m having a big luncheon on Sunday. A bunch of the old fossils from the family foundation. Do you think Natalie would show up? It’d make the afternoon a lot better.
Monk
I don’t think... [Paul gives him a "yes or no?" look] Maybe.
Well, Adrian Melville, I go with my gut. And my gut likes what it sees. If Natalie Teeger recommends you, that’s good enough for me. Congratulations. You’re my new butler.
Monk
I’m your butler?
Yeah. Come on. I’ll show you around. Your room’s upstairs. Grab that drink. [Monk grabs the tray off the table]
[Paul Buchanan finishes looking at the completed luncheon table that Monk has carefully organized and straightened out]
Well I don't have to remind you about how important these stupid luncheons are! The old bats are gunning for me. They want me to screw up, they expect me to screw up! And I intend- to dissapoint them. Mr. Melville.
Monk
[Standing in front of a covered canvas] Thank you. Mr. Pepperidge? [Mr. Pepperidge pulls the tarp off the canvas, revealing a color coded map of the house] I've divided the house into four zones.
SMSusie the Maid
Mr. Stilson normally has us start in the kitchen.
Monk
[Retracts his pointer] Mr. Stilson is no longer with us. So from now on we're going to be cleaning the house my way: the Monk way.
SMSusie the Maid
Who's Monk?
Monk
[Long pause] You see... I grew up in a monastery. And the monks, were very demanding. We were cleaning constantly, 18 hours a day. Mostly dusting. It was very dusty. Crypts, catacombs, it was holy dust. But still... you know... dust. And that is the Monk way.
Well you heard the man. We'll be doing it the Monk way.
[Paul leads Natalie away from the other hunters]
All right. Give me the page!
My father’s journal! You stole a page, give it to me! [Natalie hands Paul the signout sheet page she took from the garage. He tosses her a hunting vest] Put it on!
There’s gonna be an accident. I told you. It happens all the time.
[Monk runs into Paul's hunting buddies and grabs one of their shotguns]
Paul, you just…you can’t do this!
Oh, I can’t? Look up there. See that well? Two weeks ago, I shot my butler, and dropped his body in it! [Pumps the shotgun] You should’ve gone with me to the prom, Natty! [Monk shows up, weapon in hand]
Monk
Buchanan! Lower the weapon!
Monk
Just lower it! [Fires at the trees, killing a bird]
Well, you’re fired. That goes without saying. [Natalie uses the opportunity to grab the sheet and shotgun from Paul]
Mr. Monk, look, his father kept a journal. He came back before he died.
Monk
That makes sense. It all makes sense now.
[Monk and Natalie enter the studio]
Hello, there. Yeah. Who is this?
Monk
This is Natalie. She’s my assistant.
I think I need a little assistance.
I think I need some assistance!
Give a little twirl, Natalie.
[As a small sound effect plays on J.J.'s computer] "No, thank you." Okay, she’s feisty! She’s brassy, she’s sassy, she’s got gusto!
Sassy, brassy, but she won’t show her...
I like it! Doing the neck crank. You can’t see it, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah, I talked to this guy last night. He wants to talk to me about what happened to Jeanette.
Why don’t we talk about that after the show?
You don’t get it, sugarbumps: here is the show. My life is the show. Detective, why don’t you have a seat, please? Somebody give him some headphones, please.
[J.J. hands Monk a set of headphones]
Monk
I’m okay. It’s okay.
Monk
[Snaps his fingers in Natalie's direction] Wipe. Wipe. Wipe. Wipe. Wipe.
[J.J. records and plays Monk's voice back. Monk wipes down his headset]
Okay, folks, you've got to see this. Uh, first of all, his shirt is buttoned up to his eyeballs, and he’s swabbing out his headphones with a baby wipe.
Monk
This is not a baby wipe. This is…this is an adult wipe.
You've gotta know the difference.
Hey, Adrian, let me ask you something. When you go to a crime scene, do you take a police car or a short yellow bus? [Max claps happily with approval]
Mr. Monk, you don’t have to answer that.
Monk
No, no, I’ll be happy to. I’ll be happy to answer that. Natalie drives me.
Oh, I bet she does. [J.J. plays a sexy woman’s sound. Natalie glares at them, mortified] She’s driving me, baby.
I want to change your tires.
[Monk puts a wipe over his microphone, causing static feedback in the jockeys' headsets]
MJMax, J.J. and Little Willie
Ow! Ow!
JJJ.J. and Little Willie
Ow! Oooh!
This guy’s great. He’s possessed.
[Raises fist] Yo, Adrian!
Monk
[Pause] Yo.
[The jockeys burst out laughing, until Max signals for them to stop]
Okay, we just lost a third of our audience. All righty, then! So, just for the record, you’re here because of my sister-in-law?
That’s right, Loony Linda, who thinks I murdered my wife. Isn’t that charming?
Adrian, I thought you’d like to know that the last guy who wore those headphones had head lice.
[Monk immediately throws off his headset and runs out of the studio]
Monk
Wipe! Wipe! Wipe! Wipe, wipe, wipe, wipe, wipe, wipe!
RMRadio men
Wipe! Wipe! Wipe! Wipe! Wipe! Wipe! Wipe!
[Monk grabs Natalie's purse as he leaves]
You should be ashamed of yourselves!
I agree, I should be. But I’m not! [She walks out of the booth]
Oh! And there, we’ve got the view. [Natalie turns around to cast a disgusted look at them before closing the door]
There she goes. She gave us a twirl.
Monk
I think he's the guy!
I do too, at least I hope he is.
Max Hudson, the jerk on the radio?
Monk
According to her sister, his wife had recently started taking sleeping pills, 30 milligrams.
Which is the maximum dosage.
Monk
And it was Max's suggestion.
He called the doctor personally to get the prescription!
Monk
Here's what happened: Max is out of town, it's a perfect alibi. He knows his wife will be taking those pills, so she's out cold. [In the background, Randy is trying to contain his laughter]
[Glares at Randy] Is something funny?
Monk
He knows his wife won't be waking up, so he has one of his guys-
Randy? Do you wanna share it with the rest of the class?
Sorry. I heard you on the show. You really got zung!
[Offended] Oh my God, you listen to that creep?!
LDLt. Disher
I think he’s gray... ting. It’s grating.... [starts to stammer] Degrading. Degrading to women. I keep listening, hoping he’ll grow up, but he never does.
[Max Hudson comes home to find the police outside his house and Randy on the front driveway]
What, uh... what’s going on?
Well I could tell you, but Adrian Monk wants to tell you himself. He’s upstairs. After you. [Cuts to Max entering the bedroom, where Monk, Natalie, Linda Riggs, and Stottlemeyer are waiting for him]
Linda? Uh-huh. I don’t know the legal definition of harassment, but this is pretty close. [Stottlemeyer hands Max a paper]
Mr. Hudson, that’s a search warrant. You’ve been duly served.
Ah, sure, okay. Knock yourself out. You’re just embarrass yourselves, again.
Monk
It’s over, Max. We know how you did it. We know what you were doing every day at 2:00 PM.
That’s right, I was. I was house sitting. I was watering their plants.
Nah, you were training their dog.
We replayed the tape of the show you made the morning your wife died. That was the day you introduced your new catchphrase, “Jangle my tenders.”
LDLt. Disher
“Jiggle me timbers," sir.
LDLt. Disher
You never said it before that day or since. I’m a big fan. Well, I was. Unless you’re not guilty, in which case, we’re all really sorry about all this. Although, I’m pretty sure you’re guilty. But if you’re not, I’m sorry.
Well, it’s easy enough to prove. [Picks up a walkie-talkie and speaks into it] Let’s do it.
[Cuts to a police officer talking to the next door neighbor while carrying a portable radio. He presses play]
[On tape] ...Friday and, by the way, I saw it last night. Jiggle me timbers! [The dog takes off and darts through the dividing hedge]
[On tape] Hey Max, where did you get that? “Jiggle me timbers”…
[Monk is visibly uncomfortable as he watches Randy unloading hay bales off the truck for storage in the shed]
Monk
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I’m fine. It’s just, you know, everything. The earth and the outdoors. All the animals. Animal byproducts.
Well, you know, all the food you eat comes from farms just like this.
Monk
Not anymore. Not as of the last 23 minutes.
Well, I love it. I used to come up here every summer helping Uncle Harvey run the place. I still can’t believe it’s all mine. It’s all mine. It’s my farm. I own a farm. I’m the Farmer in the Dell. [Oates arrives]
I got that tractor running.
But it’s working now? Good. Good. Good man, Oates.
They gotta be fed every day! Animals eat every day! I’ll do it. Jesus. [Starts to leave, but Randy stops him]
[While Monk is examining the fenced off area of Belmont's farm, Belmont comes along carrying a shotgun]
JBJimmy Belmont
' Señor Monk.
Monk
Si. [Belmont asks him something in Spanish] Si.
Monk
Si.
JBJimmy Belmont
I just asked if you got a squirrel in your pants. [Monk struggles to make a Spanish response] You don’t speak any Spanish, do you?
Monk
Some. High school.
JBJimmy Belmont
You want to tell me what you’re doing back here?
Monk
No.
JBJimmy Belmont
You know, there are no secrets in a town like this. I know all about you, Former Detective Adrian Monk. I heard you were dancing with Sheriff Butterfield last night. Badly. Heard you were asking about me. Well, here I am. Now, you want to ask me something, you go right ahead.
Monk
Okay, what’s back there? Let me guess. Fields of reefer.
JBJimmy Belmont
Fields of reefer? What kind of cop were you?
Monk
You know what I mean: Ditchweed. Boo. The old Ali Baba.
JBJimmy Belmont
What makes you think that I’d actually-
Monk
Magic Dragon. Bambalachi. Yellow Submarine. Black Bart. Doctor Giggles. Kentucky Blue. You know what I’m talking about. I’m talking about Railroad Weed! That’s right. The Devil’s Parsley. Skunk, Splim, Splam, Mooster. Side Salad.
JBJimmy Belmont
Side Salad?
Monk
You’ve been supplementing your income. What do you have? About four or five acres of marijuana back there? Harvey Disher found it, and he was threatening to turn you in. [Belmont cocks his shotgun] You killed him.
JBJimmy Belmont
Did I? How? See, Harvey Disher’s truck went off the road at 10:30pm. That’s a fact. Hit the electric fence. Everybody saw the lights go out. I was in the dance hall. Half a mile away. In front of fifty witnesses. Now, you think you got enough for a search warrant? [Monk doesn't respond] Yeah, I don’t, either. Not in this county. It’s time you were headed home, Former Detective Adrian Monk. Front gate’s that way. Go on ahead. Go on. Go. [Monk leaves]
[Oates is outside on the porch, and looks up to see Monk handcuffing himself to the grain drill]
Monk
Oates? Oates! Thank, God! Where’s Randy?
He’s asleep. I can’t help but noticing that you’re handcuffing yourself to that grain drill.
Monk
I inhaled some reefer.
Monk
It’s gonna kick in any minute.
Monk
Here’s the thing. I can’t tolerate any drugs or medications. It’s my metabolism. I don’t know what…I don’t know what’s gonna happen to me. I might go berserk! I might hurt somebody. Oates, dude... here. Here. [Monk throws the handcuff keys to Oates] Listen, whatever happens, don’t unlock me. NO MATTER WHAT I SAY! Even if I’m begging you! Oh, my God. Here it comes! Oh, God! I think it’s starting!
We’re talking about marijuana, right?
Monk
UH-OH! [Stands up, and starts shaking, and jumping around] RIVERDANCE! Oh! Oh! I can feel it! I’m getting hungry!
Did you have dinner? Got some pecan pie in the fridge.
Monk
IT'S THE MUNCHIES! Oates, whatever you do, don’t put anything near my mouth!
Can do! But I gotta say, you know, I’ve had some experience in this area, and I don’t think you’re stoned at all.
Monk
No! Oh, no! I SEE LIGHTS FLICKERING!
Yeah. They’re fireflies. [The sprinklers start spraying water, and Monk gets drenched]
Monk
What was that? What was that?!
It’s 8:00! Irrigation sprinklers. [Monk suddenly calms down]
Monk
Do they come on every night all over the property?
Monk
Oates. I know how he did it. I know how Belmont killed Randy’s uncle. Get me out of this.
Okie doke. One minute you're hand-cuffing yourself to a piece of farm machinery, sobbing like a schoolgirl, the next minute you're putting all the pieces together like Sherlock Holmes. Which is the real Adrian Monk?
Monk
Yeah, I like to think that a man is made up of many different–
I think it's the schoolgirl.
Monk
Yeah, you're probably right.
Monk · 667 quotes
