Paul Buchanan quotes from Monk

[Spots Monk] Can I help you? What the hell are you doing?

Monk

Sorry. I...

Are you here for the job interview?

Monk

[Improvising] Yes. The interview. Exactly.

Follow me. He’s been waiting for you.

Paul Buchanan

Sorry for the delay. [Shows shotgun] This is in case the interview doesn't go well. Just joking; I was just doing a little hunting. [Sets his shotgun down and pours himself a drink] All right, so you're here from the agency. Where's your resume?

Monk

I... lost it.

Paul Buchanan

You lost your resume? Well that doesn't bode well, does it? What's your name?

Monk

Adrian....

Paul Buchanan

Adrian? [Monk notices a copy of the book Moby-Dick by Herman Melville lying on a table]

Monk

Melville. Adrian Melville. [Paul notices the cleanliness of the room]

Paul Buchanan

What's with this place? I had friends over last night; the place was a mess.

Monk

While I was waiting, I sort of tidied up.

Paul Buchanan

I'm impressed. Very well done, Adrian Melville.

Monk

Thank you.

Paul Buchanan

Did you do this? [Points to a finished jigsaw puzzle of a city skyline with a rainbow over it on another table]

Monk

Yes, sorry, I couldn't help myself.

Paul Buchanan

What, in 20 minutes? I've been working on this puzzle for a month!

Monk

Sorry, I’ll mess it up again. I think I remember exactly how... [reaches forward, trying to restore the puzzle to the wya he found it]

Paul Buchanan

No...! (5x) I’ve got a couple of stepsisters who think I never finish anything. Well, come on. Sit down. [They sit down in two adjacent chairs] Tell me, Melville. Who have you worked for? Anybody I know?

Monk

Mmm... I don’t think so. Leland Stottlemeyer of the San Francisco.... Stottlemeyers. Randy Disher. Dr. Charles Kroger....

Paul Buchanan

No, I don’t know them.

Monk

And Natalie Teeger.

Paul Buchanan

Natalie? Really? She grew up right down the street. I went to school with her when she was still Natalie Davenport. She had a big crush on me. Wouldn’t leave me alone.

Monk

Is that right?

Paul Buchanan

How does she look? Does she still have that tattoo? [Monk stands up, shocked]

Monk

She has a tattoo?

Paul Buchanan

Well, I guess you wouldn’t have seen it. Not where she put it. [Gets up] Look, I’m having a big luncheon on Sunday. A bunch of the old fossils from the family foundation. Do you think Natalie would show up? It’d make the afternoon a lot better.

Monk

I don’t think... [Paul gives him a "yes or no?" look] Maybe.

Paul Buchanan

Well, Adrian Melville, I go with my gut. And my gut likes what it sees. If Natalie Teeger recommends you, that’s good enough for me. Congratulations. You’re my new butler.

Monk

I’m your butler?

Paul Buchanan

Yeah. Come on. I’ll show you around. Your room’s upstairs. Grab that drink. [Monk grabs the tray off the table]

Paul Buchanan

Well I don't have to remind you about how important these stupid luncheons are! The old bats are gunning for me. They want me to screw up, they expect me to screw up! And I intend- to dissapoint them. Mr. Melville.

Monk

[Standing in front of a covered canvas] Thank you. Mr. Pepperidge? [Mr. Pepperidge pulls the tarp off the canvas, revealing a color coded map of the house] I've divided the house into four zones.

Mr. Stilson normally has us start in the kitchen.

Monk

[Retracts his pointer] Mr. Stilson is no longer with us. So from now on we're going to be cleaning the house my way: the Monk way.

Who's Monk?

Monk

[Long pause] You see... I grew up in a monastery. And the monks, were very demanding. We were cleaning constantly, 18 hours a day. Mostly dusting. It was very dusty. Crypts, catacombs, it was holy dust. But still... you know... dust. And that is the Monk way.

Paul Buchanan

Well you heard the man. We'll be doing it the Monk way.

Paul Buchanan

All right. Give me the page!

Natalie

What?

Paul Buchanan

My father’s journal! You stole a page, give it to me! [Natalie hands Paul the signout sheet page she took from the garage. He tosses her a hunting vest] Put it on!

Natalie

Why?

Paul Buchanan

There’s gonna be an accident. I told you. It happens all the time.

Natalie

Paul, you just…you can’t do this!

Paul Buchanan

Oh, I can’t? Look up there. See that well? Two weeks ago, I shot my butler, and dropped his body in it! [Pumps the shotgun] You should’ve gone with me to the prom, Natty! [Monk shows up, weapon in hand]

Monk

Buchanan! Lower the weapon!

Paul Buchanan

Melville?

Monk

Just lower it! [Fires at the trees, killing a bird]

Paul Buchanan

Well, you’re fired. That goes without saying. [Natalie uses the opportunity to grab the sheet and shotgun from Paul]

Natalie

Mr. Monk, look, his father kept a journal. He came back before he died.

Monk

That makes sense. It all makes sense now.