Adrian Monk quotes from Monk

Monk

[About his new office] Natalie, you can't afford this.

Natalie

Actually, you're paying for it.

Monk

I can't afford this!

Natalie

Oh yes you can. Remember last month when you got that bonus after solving the Kensington case?

Monk

No.

Natalie

That's because I used it for a down payment.

Monk

Grown ups have a word for that. It's called "embezzlement".

Monk

Do you still have my invitation?

Natalie

Oh, yes I do. [She pulls Monk's registration form out of her purse] "Adrian 'Captain Cool' Monk"? Who's Captain Cool?

Monk

[Strikes a Macho pose] Me. That was my nickname.

Natalie

You were Captain Cool? Why?

Monk

Why do you think?

Natalie

I don't know.

Monk

Why do you think?

Natalie

I don't know!

Monk

Look, I didn’t write the invitation! Did I-

Natalie

Okay! Okay! Well, uh, good luck, and I will see you here at seven o'clock. Okay? [She teasingly strikes a mirror image of Monk's pose] Captain. [She walks away]

Natalie

Well this looks delicious! So this is where you ate? I mean was this your "hangout"?

Monk

I don't know. Natalie, I-I-I think I've seen enough of this. Let's just go.

Natalie

No! I'm not gonna let you go! You've been looking so forward to this!

Monk

I don't know what I was thinking. These people weren't my friends, okay? They don't even remember me! The truth is, I was invisible. It was Trudy they loved. I was always just "the guy with Trudy," just like you're "the girl with me". [Natalie stops]

Natalie

Mr. Monk, why is your name on this spit-shield? [Cuts to a close-up of Monk's name on a small placard]

Monk

Well, when I was here, there was nothing protecting the food.

Natalie

So you donated all of these? That was so generous of you!

Monk

Well actually, it was more of a lawsuit. Took up a lot of my spare time... [Dianne Brooks sees them and walks over]

Adrian! There you are. We've been looking for you! [Dianne notices Natalie and looks at her suspiciously]

Natalie

Hi, I'm Natalie Teeger. [Natalie and Dianne shake hands]

Hi. Dianne Brooks.

Natalie

I'm his assistant.

Oh! Oh, so you two aren’t... [She points between Monk and Natalie; Natalie smiles, amused]

Natalie

No. [Laughs lightly]

Monk

Oh, no. No, no, no, no. No. No. Not... not... no.

Ok. Where are you sitting?

Monk

Uh, we're not...

Kyle and I are right over here. We saved you a seat. Fair warning - we brought a lot of pictures. [They start walking in that general direction]

Natalie

See? You have a friend!

Monk

Not really. She was Trudy's roommate, freshman year.

Natalie

But she saved us a seat!

Monk

Out of pity. These are what we call "pity seats".

Natalie

Mr. Monk, come on! Let's have some fun! [Snaps her fingers] You said you were gonna show me your dorm room!

Monk

Well, it's right here. This is it, old #303. Uh-oh! Tie on the doorknob! A tie is wrapped around the doorknob] My roommate and I did the same thing, it's a code.

Natalie

Yeah, I think I might know about that.

Monk

Yeah, it means, "Don't come in! I'm reorganizing my closet!" [Natalie stares at him incredulously]

Natalie

Your closet?

Monk

Yeah. My roommate in freshman year, Greg, he reorganized his closet, 4-5 times a week.

Natalie

Uh-huh, and did his girlfriend ever come over to help?

Monk

Oh yeah, all the time, they were real neat freaks. I used to tease them about it. "Neat freaks!" [Spots something in the student lounge] Oh my God. Oh... my... God! [Natalie moves aside] I... can’t... believe it! [They walk in] He’s still here. Hello, old friend. [Monk walks over to the refrigerator] Remember me? Oh, I knew we’d meet again. It is our destiny. [Puts his hand on the freezer door] Natalie, put your hand right there.

Monk

You feel that? [Long beat]

Natalie

No.

Monk

He’s afraid. Step back. Step back. [Pulls his hand into his sleeve] I’m going in. [Monk opens the freezer door, and they find the freezer totally frosted over. Natalie turns away, disgusted]

Lt. Disher

Why did he kill the nurse?

Capt. Stottlemeyer

He had no choice! Katherine Rutherford read that note twenty-five years ago. It would have been made public, she would have recognized it!

Natalie

My God, Mr. Monk, he could be doing it right now! [Stottlemeyer and Disher reach the registration station]

Capt. Stottlemeyer

The registration sheets are all gone!

Monk

Oh!

Lt. Disher

Monk, do you have a cell phone number?

Monk

No.

Lt. Disher

Do you know where they stayed?

Monk

[Sighs, exasperated] Some hotel!

Capt. Stottlemeyer

There are over 200 hotels in this city, Monk! It’ll take us over five hours to check them all!

Monk

Hold on. Hold on! [Rolls his shoulders forward a couple of times]

Lt. Disher

What’s he doing?

Capt. Stottlemeyer

I don’t know. What are you doing?

Monk

The hotel where they’re staying. It was on their registration form.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Yeah? So?

Monk

When Dianne signed in... [flashback to Dianne filling her registration sheet out on Monk’s back] We were standing in line. She wrote... she wrote on my back. [Natalie smiles, realizing what Monk is doing]

Lt. Disher

Can he do that?

Natalie

It's how he met Trudy! It’s his superpower!

Monk

Oh, there’s her name. Home address.

Natalie Teeger

Okay, Mr. Monk, it was near the bottom.

Monk

She has terrible penmanship. Why did it have to be cursive? [Makes what almost appear to be spasms as he tries to remember what Dianne wrote] She ordered the prime rib, medium rare.

Natalie

Keep going. It’s just below that.

Monk

Yeah, there’s an L, uh, L-E... Lexus! Is there a Lexus Hotel?

Capt. Stottlemeyer

No that’s the car they drove, Monk!

Natalie

Keep going. [Monk finally reaches the section with the hotel name]

Monk

There’s a “P”, “P”, No! “P”, “P”, “B”! “B”! “B”!

Capt. Stottlemeyer

“B”?

Monk

It’s a “B.” It’s a “B.” It’s a “B.” “L.”

Bla…

Monk

“A.”

Capt. Stottlemeyer

The Bla…The Blaza…

Lt. Disher

The Blaza! Plaza!

Monk

B-L-A…The Bla…The Blab…

Capt. Stottlemeyer

The Blakemore Hotel!

Lt. Disher

It’s right up the street! [They take off]

Monk

I'm Adrian Monk, here to see Dr. Sorenson.

Fill this out.

Monk

It says to list your phobias.

That's right.

Monk

There are only five spaces.

You can use the back.

Monk

I might need another sheet. [She hands him another sheet] I might need another sheet. [She hands him another sheet] I might need another sheet. [She hands him another sheet, and repeats this a few more times]

Dr. Charles Kroger

Adrian, I cannot continue to practice anymore after today. The police think that one of my patients killed Teresa Mueller. I should have seen it coming. I didn't; I missed it. This is all my fault.

Monk

This isn't happening. This can't be happening.

Dr. Kroger

Adrian, I promise you I'll get you another doctor. I'll call you next week.

Monk

Okay! So it's not true! You're not retiring! I mean, you can't because... He can't retire...

Dr. Kroger

[To Natalie] This is step one in the grieving process: denial. [Monk comes back to Dr. Kroger]

Monk

Damn you, Charles! Damn you to hell! I hate you. I hate you! You are dead to me.

Natalie

That's not denial.

Dr. Kroger

No, that's step two, that's anger.

Monk

Okay. Okay, we're all adults here. We can work this out. I can hire you full time, all right? Put you on payroll.

Dr. Kroger

This is step three, the bargaining. It usually doesn't go around this quickly.

Monk

Why me? Why is it always me? Everybody's always leaving me.

Natalie

Depression?

Dr. Kroger

Yeah, step four.

Monk

This can't go on. I mean, it's just too much. Okay, you're right. It's not the end of the world. I'll just have to find another doctor. I owe you so much. Thanks to you, I think I can get past this. Thanks, doc.

Dr. Kroger

And finally, step five, acceptance.

Natalie

Thank God that's over. [Monk walks over to another police officer]

Monk

He can't retire! The man can't quit because he's not a quitter.

Natalie

Wait, what's going on?

Dr. Kroger

I don't know. It's like he's starting all over again, like he's in a loop. [Monk peeps through the window blinds]

Monk

I HATE YOU FOR THIS, KROGER! YOU ARE DEAD TO ME! You understand me? DEAD!

Dr. Kroger

I really should be heading home...

Natalie

Captain!

Monk

Captain, for the record, this was all her idea. I mean, I wouldn't be here if I couldn't drive or had anything else to do.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

OK, I give up. What is it? [Natalie produces a check]

Natalie

It's a $34 dry cleaning bill to clean the shirt and jacket that Mr. Monk ruined when he ran through the poultry farm to recover the ransom money in the Jimmy Creskow kidnapping case. What are you gonna do about it?

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Try to ignore it.

Natalie

No-no-no-no! We've already submitted this twice! It is a work-related expense, and we are entitled to compensation!

Monk

Not my idea.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Look, I couldn't agree with you more. I believe you guys are entitled to every dime you can get, but, there's nothing I can do about it. Lieutenant Disher is the Disbursement Coordinator.

Natalie

Okay, where is he?

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Uh, he's not here. He called in sick.

Monk

Is he okay?

Capt. Stottlemeyer

You know, he didn't sound too good. He's got a bad fever and he's got a cough.

Monk

With that phlegmy flu thing? [Natalie waves her hands frantically to get Stottlemeyer's attention]

Natalie

Okay-okay! When Randy is not here, who is in charge of payout?

Capt. Stottlemeyer

That would be the Assistant Disbursement Coordinator.

Natalie

And who is that?

Capt. Stottlemeyer

' We don't have one. Is there anything else?

Monk

Nah, that about covers it.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

[Laughs] My kid, my oldest, has skipped school, and Karen thinks he’s gone to a rock show.

Monk

Oh, I used to do that! Play hooky. Go to rock shows. [Natalie looks at him skeptically]

Natalie

You did?

Monk

All the time.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Anyhow, I've gotta get up there and see if I can find him.

Monk

Okay.

Natalie

Oh, you need some help?

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Yeah, you know, I wouldn't mind. [Starts towards the door]

Monk

I'll come with you.

Natalie

Are you sure?

Monk

Of course I'm sure!

Natalie

I'm sorry! I just can't picture you at one of these!

Monk

What are you talking about? I used to go all the time. Get a bus into the city and see the Stones.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

[Walking through the parking lot] Look at this mess! Oh for God's sakes, it's gonna take me all day to find him here! I'm gonna miss a whole day's work! An entire day! Gonna wring his little neck!

Natalie

Captain, he's just a kid! Don't you just want to stay out here for a minute and calm down before you go inside?

Capt. Stottlemeyer

No!

Monk

Whoa, whoa, hold on! What kind of rock show is this?

Natalie

It's the biggest festival of the year!

Monk

Festival?

Natalie

[Laughs] Wait- wait- wait, Mr. Monk! You thought they were real rocks? Like a geology exhibit, like a museum?

Monk

Maybe. Perfectly understandable mistake.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

No, not really.

Monk

Okay, well, no harm done. So, I guess I’ll need a ride home.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Monk, I’m not going home without my kid.

Monk

All right, look, I, I, I can’t... [A passerby bumps into Monk]

Move it!

Monk

I can’t do it! I, I can’t go in there!

Natalie

Mr. Monk, come on! The Captain needs you!

Monk

But there's-- 10,000 of them, and not even one of me!

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Okay, look, I understand, Monk. Why don’t you just go wait by the car?

Monk

Yeah, I’ll go wait by the car.

Natalie

Okay, it’s gonna be a while!

Monk

Yeah, I’ll be okay. Don’t worry about me. Take your time. But, but hurry back. But take your time. Hurry back. [Trails off; leaving Natalie and Stottlemeyer confused]

Monk

He never loved me! He doesn't love anyone except maybe Jack, Jr.!

Natalie

Jack, Jr.?

Monk

His other son! He gave him a bike! I never got a bike!

Natalie

[Aside] There's another brother!

Whoa...

Jack Monk

I gotta say something: I'm sorry! I'm sorry I wasn't there for you and Ambrose! I'm so sorry! Oh, I'm a bad father! That's all that matters!

You're not a bad father! Look at Jack, Jr.!

Jack Monk

He's a putz!

What?

Jack Monk

Actually, he's not even a putz! He dreams one day of becoming a putz! He lives downstairs in my basement, he smokes pot all day long, he steals money from my wallet!

He's not a doctor?

Jack Monk

No, I made it all up! I lied! I wanted to have a son I could be proud of! I didn't know I had one in San Francisco.

Monk

No! Your mom said no junk food. I'm supposed to be babysitting you.

Julie Teeger

Mom said I was supposed to be watching you!

Monk

You are mistaken.

Julie Teeger

Are you getting paid?

Monk

Of course I am.

Julie Teeger

How much?

Monk

I think that is between me and your mother. Are you?

Julie Teeger

$8.50 an hour.

Monk

An hour? [Pause] I guess you're the boss.

Monk

Any more soap?

Natalie

That’s it.

Monk

No, I mean, is there any more soap in San Francisco?

Natalie

Mr. Monk, you’ve been scrubbing your hand for nine hours! I’m surprised you have any skin left!

Monk

It’s not coming out. I can still feel it. I think it’s spreading. [Pulls out a can from under the sink]

Natalie

What are you doing? Is that kerosene?! [Monk douses his hand and tosses a match to Natalie]

Monk

Light me!

Natalie

What?

Monk

For the love of God, light me!

Natalie

Okay, Mr. Monk, I’m not gonna light your hand on fire!

Monk

Fine. [Monk goes over to the stove, puts his left hand over his eyes, and screams as he tries to put his hand into a boiling pot. Natalie stops him]

Natalie

You know what? You know what? Get away! You are overreacting, all right! All you did was shake a man’s hand!

Monk

You’re right. You know what? I’m glad it happened. The worst possible thing that could ever happen to me has happened. I shook hands with a leper, and I survived.

Natalie Teeger

Exactly!

Monk

The worst moment of my life is behind me now. [Wipes his hand] I’m free. Wait. [Rotates a pot handle in his cabinet] Okay, now, I’m free.

Natalie

Actually, Mr. Monk, it’s not completely over. Don’t be mad, but I talked to Mr. Bronson.

Monk

You did what? What?!

Natalie

He called here this morning.

Monk

The leper! He called me? On what phone? On this phone?! [Points to the kitchen phone]

Natalie

Yes. [Monk pulls a roll of paper towel, wraps the phone in it, and puts it in the trash] Mr. Monk, you can’t catch anything over the phone!

Monk

Oh, oh, oh, hang on. Now all of a sudden, you’re an expert on lepers?!

Natalie

Okay, you know? Mr. Monk, he’s a nice man, all right? He’s in pain! He was crying his eyes out and…okay, listen to me. He upped his offer: he said he would pay you $25,000. All you have to do is meet him again!

Monk

Natalie, listen. Let me explain something to you: No!

Natalie

That’s it? That’s your argument?

Monk

Okay, let’s go through it. A: whatever he’s asking us to do is probably illegal. "B" through "Z": the man is a leper!

Natalie

You know what, I don’t know anything about leprosy, and neither do you. So, I called a doctor. He’s a specialist. He said we could come in, and talk with him. Let’s just see what he recommends, okay? I mean, it can’t hurt to listen, right? $25,000!

Capt. Stottlemeyer

“Wife claims missing billionaire husband still alive. Probate hearing is set for tomorrow. Former homicide detective Adrian Monk is set to testify.” What the hell is Hansen’s Disease?

Monk

Leprosy. He’s a leper.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Oh my God!

I thought they lived in colonies, you know, like in Ben Hur.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

And, uh, you met this guy face to face?

Natalie

Yep. He’s a client, and he called us. He needed our help. Mr. Monk put aside all his fear and prejudice, and offered to do what he could, and I am very, very proud of him.

Monk

I shook his hand. I can still feel it!

Natalie

He’s not at all contagious. We talked to a specialist. Randy, I think you might know him. Dr. Polanski?

No.

Natalie Teeger

Aaron Polanski?

Lt. Randy Disher

No, can’t say that I do.

Natalie

Really? Because we thought we saw your picture hanging up in his office.

Right. It was a case. I was undercover, posing as a kid, a teenager with bad acne. Captain, you remember that case?

Capt. Stottlemeyer

You’re on your own, Randy.

Monk

It’s still tingling.

Natalie

Well, I’ll tell him you said hi. We’re going out tomorrow night.