Francis quotes from Malcolm in the Middle

Francis

Boys, the time has come. You're about to see the device that will change the face of Halloween forever. Behold... [empties his bag of supplies]

Dewey

That's not a flying chocolate maker.

Reese

This is just a bunch of tubes.

Francis

Trust me.

Reese

I do trust you, but...I expected something a little more...

Malcolm

[reading the design plans] Oh my God. Will this work?

Francis

Absolutely.

Reese

What? What is it?

Malcolm

It looks like an incredibly powerful slingshot!

Francis

A slingshot capable of hurling objects over a distance of two-city-blocks. Picture yourself. You're walking down the street, you're minding your own business, when all of a sudden, BAM! You're hit by a ten-pound balloon filled with shaving cream, paint, or any number of foul-smelling liquids. [Malcolm, Reese, and Dewey get excited] And you'll never, ever know who did it.

Malcolm

It's the perfect weapon!

Reese

I'm lost. (Francis punches Reese) OW!

Francis

That's how Mom feels... on the inside.

You're wasting your time. She doesn't speak English.

Francis

Oh.

Which is just as well, because if she understood the crap you were feeding her, she'd laugh in your face.

Francis

(knocking on Spangler's door) Sir?

Spangler

Go away! I told you I did not want to be disturbed. My aunt and I are... catching up.

Francis

I... I thought you said it was your mother, sir.

Spangler

Go away!

Spangler

Local girls?! There are local girls inside the perimeter?! Have they killed anyone?[...] Do you have any idea what you've done?! Marlin Academy cannot exist without the support, the goodwill and co-operation of the local community! The Police Chief and the Mayor both sit on our Board of Governers, the Fire Chief is a regent...and right now, their psychotic offspring are in there tearing up the floorboards! It won't be long before they're in the air ducts...!

Francis

What are we gonna do, sir?

Spangler

We are going to do what any self-respecting member of society does in a situation like this: we're going to keep it quiet.

But they're destroying the school.

Spangler

Let's hope that's all they do, cadet. I'm afraid this is like an oil fire -- we have to let it burn itself out.

Francis

Oh, yeah, I forgot. One of them started an oil fire.

Francis

Oh, my God! Patty Henderson is your babysitter?!?!

Patty

Let me talk to him. Hi!

Francis

Don't let her... Hi... Patty!

Francis

Look at this, ever heard of fabric softener? These sheets are like sleeping on straw.

Hey, it was good enough for baby Jesus.

Francis

Get out!

Eric

Hold him down! You, shave his butt!

Francis

Mom, I'm calling to remind you that today is the last day to buy me a plane ticket home for my...[lowers voice] birthday!

Lois

Honey, we talked about this. We can't fly you back in the middle of the week; you'd only be here for 8 hours.

Francis

But Mom-!

Lois

Sweetie, I'm sorry. I wish things were different, but you were just home for Thanksgiving and that's all we can afford right now.

Francis

Mom, you don't know what they do to people around here on their...[lowers voice] birthday! They strip you naked and they shave every hair off your body, then they throw you in the reflecting pond! Is that what you want for me?!

Lois

I'm impressed, Francis. Your stories are getting better, at least more believable!

Francis

What stories?!

Lois

Oh, like when you wanted to come home for that party and you swore the Academy was being terrorised by a pack of feral dogs?

Francis

Which were never caught!

Sir!

Commandant Spangler

Cadets.

Francis

What's up, chief?

Malcolm

Mom has nothing to do with this.

Francis

Trust me, yes, she does -- she will ruin it, I swear! Whatever Mom tells you, don't do it. And don't do the opposite, either! The way it's worked for me is... Actually, it's never worked for me.

Francis

You are the best dad, ever.

Hal

I am not. I'm a terrible dad. I never should've lied to you.

Francis

Well, the important thing is that this is all behind us and I've learned my lesson.

Hal

What's that?

Francis

That you are the best dad ever.

Hal

Francis, I don't feel much like talking right now. (hangs up while Dewey scrubs the phone)

Craig

Francis, I want you to count all the malt balls. (hands Francis a clipboard and a pen as he walks off)

Francis

Should I start with the 40 in your belly?

Craig

I heard that... and I'm paying for those.

Craig

Any questions?

Francis

Which household product will kill me the fastest?

Craig

We're going to start you off with the cotton balls.

Malcolm

(On the phone with Francis) Grandma and Grandpa are here.

Francis

Oh, you're kidding! So did they knock, or did you just hear their cloven hooves clatter up the driveway?!

Hal

I don't understand it. How can we get 16 unpaid parking tickets and not even know about it?

Francis

Mom, just calm down.

Lois

I was in jail, Francis. Jail, all because you didn't pay your parking tickets. How could you gotten 16 parking tickets?

Francis

It's not my fault, you keep me stuck here. When I come home, I have so much living to do, I don't have time to look for legal parking.

Lois

You listen mister. Your irresponsible behavior has finally caught up to you and you are going to suffer the consequences. You are paying those parking tickets.