Francis quotes from Malcolm in the Middle

Francis

This is totally unfair! None of this would've happened if you weren't such a reckless driver!

Lois

Excuse me??!!

Francis

When I park too close to a mailbox, I didn't endanger anyone's life.

Lois

I didn't endanger anyone. I was pulled over by a corrupt cop for a traffic violation that I didn't commit!

Francis

[sarcastically] Oh, but when I say I've been framed by the cops, you send me to military school! Ironic, isn;t it?!

Lois

That cop was out to get me!

Francis

Of course he was. Everyone's out to get you. And the neighbor's cat's the ringleader. Didn't you know that?

Lois

Ha-ha, you can laugh all you want, Francis. But until you come up with the money, you are not coming home.

Francis

Where am I supposed to get $700?! You're just using this to keep me here.

Lois

Yeah, that's right. It was the cat's idea.

Lois

Francis, I am not gonna let you weasel out of your responsibility. Because of you, we are done to one car until your father gets his next paycheck. Now you either come up with the money, or you don't come home.

Francis

Mom, its impossible. I'm in school. When I'm not in school, I have homework. When I'm not doing homework, I'm in detention. If I'm lucky, I have six hours free a week. At minimum wage, I wouldn't be able to make it home until Thanksgiving 2010.

Lois

You bring the yams. [hangs up]

Francis

The strike has been settled! (the cadets cheer) We got his magic hat!

Eric

What about the TV?

Francis

Huh?

I just don't think you'd throw away the son who achieves for, well, Reese.

Lois

You don't think I'd sacrifice this one? Let me explain something to you. I would sell Malcolm down the river in a heartbeat to save Reese. Malcolm's gonna be fine no matter what happens. Maybe he'll have to go to junior college or start off blue collar, but he'll work his way up to management eventually. Reese is the one who needs saving.

I don't believe you. No mother could ever be that callous to her own son.

Francis

Mom, please let me come home! I'm cold and I'm hungry! Please, I'll fix the roof, I'll paint the house! I'll do anything, Mom, please! Just let me live indoors, Mom! Please, I wanna be warm again! MOM, PLEASE! (sobbing)

Maybe we can work something out.

Lois

[to Malcolm] You took that test, didn't you? You cheated! [to Reese] You let him cheat for you? [to Mr. Woodward] YOU GAVE SOMETHING HE WROTE AN "F"?! You are out to get him! Oh, I can't wait to see you expelled or disbarred or whatever it is they do to creepy little men who abuse their power!

There is no need for name calling. I suggest we just leave things as they are.

Lois

Oh, I don't think so!

Here's the situation: if you notify the school, then the school will find out Malcolm cheated and he'll be expelled.

Lois

Don't you threaten me!

This isn't a threat. I just don't think you'd throw away the son who achieves for, well, Reese.

Lois

[points to Malcolm] You don't think I'd sacrifice this one? Let me explain something to you. I would sell Malcolm down the river in a heartbeat to save Reese.

Malcolm

What?!

Lois

Malcolm's gonna be fine no matter what happens. Maybe he'll have to go to junior college or start off blue collar, but he'll work his way up to management eventually. Reese is the one who needs saving.

I don't believe you. No mother could ever be that callous to her own son.

Francis

Mom, please let me come home! I'm cold and I'm hungry! Please, I'll fix the roof, I'll paint the house! I'll do anything, Mom, please! Just let me live indoors, Mom! Please, I wanna be warm again! MOM, PLEASE! [sobbing]

Maybe we can work something out.

Francis

How am I ever gonna decide which one of you to take?

Malcolm

You deliberately bought two tickets just to torment us?

Francis

No. Of course not. I bought them to see who loves me the most. Now, I know you both love me, but I bet one of you loves me a little bit more.

Francis

Come on, guys! It's Rage in the Cage. You should be happy!

Reese

We are happy!

Francis

You're not doing the happy dance.

License and registration, please.

Francis

Officer, what did I do?

This car was reported stolen.

Francis

Oh, it's been reported stolen, huh?

I'm not gonna ask you again.

Francis

Sir, I know this looks bad...

Open the trunk!

Francis

Officer, let me explain...

OPEN THE TRUNK!!!!

GET OUT OF THE CAR!!!!!!!

Francis

Sir, his shirt just came untucked when he was hugging his father. You can't yell at him for hugging his father.

Hal

Francis!

Commandant Spangler

On no, I'm glad you saw this because this is exactly what I was talking about. Always underminding my authority, day in, day out. It's the same thing. Like when I made Cadet Dooley do 600 laps of the perimeter for an inside-out pillow case violation, Francis organizes a sit in. Or when I cut off the electricity in the 5th floor for contraband boom-box, he hijacks a generator for them. The boy lives to cause chaos.

Francis

He was hugging his dad!

Commandant Spangler

In front of his father he still defies me at every turn.

Hal

And everytime something like this happens, he challenges you.

Commandant Spangler

Every time.

Hal

Even though he knows he'll get in trouble.

Commandant Spangler

That doesn't seem to matter to him at all.

Hal

I understand.

Commandant Spangler

(turns to Francis) I will deal with you, later.

Hal

Let the machine get it.

Francis

Hello, it's Francis. Mom, dad, pick up. I'm in the emergency room and the doctors think they will save my leg when they...

Lois

Francis, are you okay?

Francis

Ha! Screening your own child. Fine parents you are.

Lois

Honey, what's wrong?

Francis

The fact that I have to resort to lies to get you to talk to me . That's what wrong.

Lois

What do you want, Francis?

Francis

I don't know, it's Saturday night. I thought I could call and say hi.

Lois

Can we call you later? Dad and I are kind of busy right now.

Francis

Alright, let me talk to my brothers.

Lois

They're not here.

Francis

Then what are you...ew...oh...

Lois

[on the phone with Francis] Absolutely not, Francis.

Francis

You're not listening, I could make $45 an hour. That's more than what you or dad make.

Lois

You are going to graduate from high school.

Francis

Why spend the tuition? It's a total waste of money and we both know I'm failing. [All is quiet for a moment.] Okay, now we both know.

Lois

Francis, you are going to stay in school until you graduate and that's all there is to it and if you FLUNK OUT then that's just another year you're stuck there.

Francis

You just can't stand the fact that i'll be making more MONEY THAN YOU! (slams the phone into the wall, it drops on his foot causing him to scream and pain and bump into the trophy case) whew that was close. (the trophy case loses a leg and falls on Francis).

Lois

Francis, I'm listening...

Francis

This is what you get! This is what you get for the way you treated me! [Lois looks stunned] I'm going to Alaska, you're gonna be left without a son, and the horrible way you treated me is now a matter of public record!

Lois

[furious] I treated you?! We made sacrifice after sacrifice for you and you've caused us nothing but pain!

Francis

You want pain?! I got your scars, baby; three and a half years in that horrible school!

Lois

We went without for that school!

Francis

[sarcastic] Oh, maybe I should thank you? Thank you, Mother, for making my life A LIVING HELL!

Lois

"Living hell?" You've been nothin' but a problem since the day you were born!

Francis

Well your problems are over, lady, 'cause I'm outta here!

Francis

Oh my God, you're crazy! I just thought you were evil but you are nuts!

Ida

What are you talking about?

Francis

Grandma, gifts aren't conditional; they're gifts! You give them to people because you love them. They're not something you can take away because of some petty slight. You're not teaching people anything, you haven't gotten back at them; they don't even know they've upset you. All you've done here is constructed a monument to your own insanity! WHAT KIND OF A PERSON DOES THAT?!

Ida

A lonely, bitter old woman [she sits down]

Francis

What?

Ida

Look what I've done. What use is all these things to me now? They could have brought someone some happiness; instead, they rot here. [Ida clutches her heart]

Francis

Grandma?

Ida

My heart...I think it's...melting! [Francis rolls his eyes] Yes, it's melting! You've shown me the way, Francis, by yelling at me! Quick, go get my magic sled, and me and my reindeer will go and give Christmas to all the mean, stupid, rude people! We'll all join hands and sing songs and sprinkle the ingrates with fairy dust!

Hal

You've emancipated yourself, remember? You can't come running back to your parents for money at the first sign of trouble anymore!

Francis

I'm not running to my parents. I'm calling as one adult to another for an adult... loan.

Hal

No, no. You've made whatever mess you've made, and you take care of it.

Francis

I have been taking care of it! I already got Big Red to cut me the lumber in exchange for a pair of fur-lined boots. I got my friend Pete to make the boots, but only because I promised him a new set of teeth. And as you probably know, teeth don't come cheap! Now, that's where you come in-

Francis

[over pay phone] How many police cars are chasing you?

Reese

[over cell phone] I don't know; eight, maybe nine? What are we gonna do? There's no way out of this!

Francis

Hey, don't give up! Sometimes things look darkest right before the sun breaks loose-

Francis

...and sometimes you have to realize that the game is over, and that you've lost. The-

Francis

...The only thing left to do is to stop running, stand up, and face the consequences like a man. And-

Francis

...And even if the outcome is gonna be more horrible than you could possibly imagine, you can hold your head up high, show some class, and end it with dignity!

Reese

Class...

Francis

[over the phone] FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! NOT THE STUMP ROOTER! NOOO!

Francis

I have fasted, I have meditated, I got frostbite spending a night in the wilderness! I just want to know what to do! What am I missing?! Okay, let's see, there's a wolf. What's that? Loyalty! And the eagle. Keen insight. Insight! And the frog is...bug-eating! BUT WHAT DOES IT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING?! Please, just give me a sign or-or a signal or-or something! [The door bursts open and an Inuit man steps in] Oh, my God!

You the dirtbag that took my pole?!

Francis

Huh?

That's my pole. I want it back!

Francis

Oh, of course. I'm so sorry. Look, I didn't take it, but, please, I'm going crazy. Can you tell me what it means?

Well, if I hit it, it means I'm five inches away from the back of my carport.

Francis

What?! You use this as a wheel stop? This beautiful, sacred thing?

Sacred? It's a decoration. You know, like a coat of arms or a storybook. It's a pretty chunk of wood that my kids helped me carve on a nice Saturday afternoon.

Francis

But you can't tell me you can't feel the energy...!

You white boys are all the same. [sarcastic] I've got dark skin, so I must dance with the bears and listen to the spirit of the wind! [angry] I've got news for you. I work for a living! I'm a Baptist, and I'm proud of it!

Francis

But... are you sure?

And by the way, I have only one word for snow... SNOW!