Malcolm (to the camera): Okay, so I faked it. But with the family I have, it would've been only a matter of time anyway.
Malcolm (to the camera): I need to seem cured, but to leave the door open for a relapse when I start ballet next semester.
The tricky part is I need to keep this up without being put on medication.
Lois (cleaning up): Underpants, in a closet. Human underpants!! I must not threaten you people enough.
Reese [to Malcolm]: You look so adorable. You know what I like about medieval week is that you can spot the Krelboynes from super far away and they jingle when you hit them.
Hal (coming out of the shower): Reese, leave your brother alone. (to Malcolm) Although you are asking for it.
Lois [to Malcolm]: Where's your jester costume?
In my backpack. I'll wear it at school.
Put it on. I didn't stay up all night for my health.
Why don't you just put a bulls-eye on my chest and get it over with?
Oh, you look fine. (The bells on Malcolm's costume jingle) And Reese will tell me if you take these off.
Malcolm (to the camera): When I was six, I dove in a pool and my trunks came off. God, I wish I was there right now!
Oh, come on. We've studied this. There is nothing dirty about the miracle of life. And we should all be able to discuss this openly.
Who's the father?
Does he... work here?
All right, you know. I told you we are not playing this game again!!
Dabney has three dentist appointments every week. His teeth look fine to me.
He's not going to the dentist. He's going to the "dentist." It's the secret code for the school therapist.
Look at this, ever heard of fabric softener? These sheets are like sleeping on straw.
CMCadet Martin
Hey, it was good enough for baby Jesus.
Get out!
(Cadet Martin leaves; Francis throws away all the detergent)
And when I do, we are all gonna clean up this disaster of a closet. It's gonna be our new family project.
We've never finished our last family project.
Because it's in here under two tons of crap!
Reese [to Malcolm]: You missed a great assembly. I can't believe it. They actually gave us fruit to throw at the Krelboynes. What were they thinking?
Don't you ever get tired of making their lives miserable?
Nope. Beside, I want them to remember who's boss when they're living in their mansions with their supermodel wives. They're gonna know the guy cleaning their pool kicked their ass.
I can't do it. I'm stupid and I'm terrible. I suck at everything.... AND I'M FAT!
Malcolm (sees Reese): What are doing here?
I figured out your scam. As it turns out, crazy runs in the family.
Reese, you don't know what your doing. You're gonna ruin everything.
Relax. I got it covered.
GMrs. Gilbert
I'm ready to see you now, Reese.
Reese (in a gravelly voice): Reese, isn't here right now. This is Davey.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Malcolm in the Middle pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.