[referring to Dewey] I don't believe this! Here I'm supposed to be the genius, and I'm being outsmarted by someone who can't tie his own shoes!
[Malcolm and Reese are locked out of the house at night.]
What are we going to do now?
[falls into a cesspool via a trap they had set up earlier] AAAAAHHHH! Oh my God! What is this stuff?
Well, at least the night isn't a total loss.
Come on, Reese. Hurry up!
Sorry, I had to put the "lemonade" in the fridge.
Hungry?
I don't know what I am.
Patty (to Malcolm; on the phone with Francis) Francis? Is that Francis? Tell him it's Patty Henderson from 8th grade algebra.
Malcolm (to Francis): Patty Henderson says hi!
Oh, my God! Patty Henderson is your babysitter?!?!
Let me talk to him. Hi!
Don't let her... Hi... Patty!
Reese [about Dewey]: Hehe. He's cute! I hate him for being cute!
Malcolm [to Dewey]: You were gonna make her a card?!
No.
You like glitter, Dewey?
(next scene)
Patty (walks in): Dewey?
(Dewey is a mess again)
This is what he is. He's a walking disaster area.
Patty (using baby's voice): Guess who needs another bath?
(Dewey smiles as Patty sends him to the bathroom)
Reese [to Dewey]: You, sitting around with your big eyes and your dopey voice. I have to resist hugging you myself.
Patty (about Francis): He was so nice, and so cute.
Yeah, I'm a lot like him.
(Malcolm rolls his eyes)
What is that?
It's the cest pool.
We have a pool?
It's the sewage of the house.
(Barbara & Tom are watching Hal fight Jack while Lois tries to stop them)
BBarbara
Oh, for God's sake, Tom. Do something!
TTom
I'll refill your drink.
BBarbara
Okay.
I can dance... wanna see?
Okay.
Dewey (gets up and dances): Poopy, poopy, poopy, poopy, poop-y! Poopy, poopy, poopy, poo. (repeats over and continues dancing)
Malcolm (to the camera): This is embarrassing.
Tom [to Hal]: Well that was still good on how you got him to scream like a girl.
Hal (embarrassed): No, that was actually me.
(Hal and Tom are restrained by guards and both of them are sweating up a rainstorm.)
It's too late! Something snapped! I am way past the point of no return! We're talking primal animal urges! I'm gonna let nature take its course...AND KILL HIM!
Lois [to Hal]: In 30 seconds, I'm going to instruct these men to let you go.
(all worked up) Thank you, Lois. Thank you.
And then you will have a choice. You can indulge your primal urges with him, or... you can come back to the motel...and indulge your primal urges with me.
(looks at Lois, then at Tom, then at Lois again) Don't trivialize my anger, Lois! I mean, there are some things that you just don't try to talk people out of. (calming down) I have a legitimate situation here.
(sympathetic) I know, baby. (kisses Hal)
(Hal calms down whimpering. The guards release Hal and Tom. Hal and Lois leave, arm in arm, but as Hal passes Tom, he smacks him. Tom gets feisty, but soon realizes that Hal/Lois are leaving innocently.)
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Malcolm in the Middle pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.