RJRay Johnson
[on answering machine] But he doesn't have to call me Johnson!
S13 E23Just Another Manic Khan-Day
S14 E1Return of the King
Abb Shalab to you, Muhammad. Abb shal al hab.
MMuhammad
... I'm sorry, sir, I think your wife is having an attack.
She's speaking Arabic to you.
And what do you speak, Muhammad? Do you speak Pashtun? Farsi? I know a few words in those as well.
MMuhammad
No, I speak Arabic, but perhaps another dialect. I grew up in Saudi Arabia.
Well we were just in Saudi Arabia. I was the assistant manager in charge of Arabian propane, and Arabian propane accessories for the Aramco.
Everyone there understood my perfect Arabic perfectly.
[lying in bed in his dark bedroom, morbidly obese and with a long beard] Ohhh, it's been hard with you 'n Peggy gone, Hank. I...I might've let myself go a little. I don't get out much anymore.
BBrian
"Much"? You haven't left that room since 2020.
Oh, no! What are you doing in there?
Oh, a lot of streaming. I finished Netflix, Hank. Did you know that when you get to the end of Netflix, you get something called a "wellness check"?
S14 E2The Beer Story
What's gotten into you two? You all loved it before.
Joseph was just bragging, Bobby got a bunch of fancy brewing equipment from his frat-boy partner. Remember, Hank. Your beer is our generation's last line of defense against these young punks. We're the dinosaurs, and they're the virus the dinosaur government created that made them go extinct.
Yeah, it needs a bit more of that old gun flavor.
What's old gun flavor?
Ask Bill. He's the only one who's ever put a gun in his mouth.
It tasted like I thought it would...
S14 E3Bobby Gets Grilled
What's wrong, Chef Bobby? You look paler than usual. Like scared mayonnaise.
Oh man, my parents want a tour of the place, and I haven't told my dad that I use Japanese Binchotan coals to cook instead of propane.
So what?
Emilio, my dad loves four things in life: America, my mom, me, and propane, and when I was a kid, depending on the week, propane would be above me on the list.
So let's take a look at that propane setup.
Uh, dad...
[noticing charcoal in the grill] Charcoal? Ohh, I get it. This is just for show. Lure in the out-of-towners. The propane's in the back, right?
Dad, dad, dad! I use charcoal to cook. Not propane.
[everyone gasps]
Here we go...
What? But we went over the different systems for hours over the phone! Those were some of the best times we ever spent together. Were all those "uh-huhs" you said after every point I made just lies?
No, I considered propane.
Considered?! It gets worse.
I don't get it, Peggy. Why can't he make a restaurant where he cooks on a propane backyard grill just like everybody else in Texas? That boy ain't right.
Now Hank, Bobby is not our little boy anymore. He is his own man.
Alright then. That man ain't right.
Hello. I'm the owner of Robota Chane, and we'd like to talk to the owner of this fine establishment.
YYoshida
I am the owner.
But we spoke to a Mr. Yoshida on the phone.
YYoshida
That is me.
Dude, don't be a dick. Go get the owner. He's probably a little guy? Black hair?
YYoshida
Get out of my shop!
Look, I get it. You hate your job. Just tell Yoshida we're here.
[Yoshida looks upset]
Chane, I think this is Mr. Yoshida.
But you're black.
YYoshida
I was adopted as a baby by Makoto and Yamamoto Junko, and raised in Japan! I'm Japanese. You think coming in here with some token Japanese guy is going to make me sell out?
I'm Laotian.
YYoshida
Even worse! You think Asians can't steal culture from other Asians? Don't get me started on Hapkido. That shit's just Aikido for Korean.
Mr. Yoshida, please! We've got a restaurant to run, and I'm turning a lot of people on to traditional Binchotan-flavored robata. Now why isn't that a good thing?
YYoshida
Still no.
You don't understand! I'm down to my last box! I'll have to close my restaurant if I don't get more.
YYoshida
Good! You should have thought of that before you weren't Japanese!
What?!
Now I know this guy's Japanese, 'cause he's stubborn as hell! Your loss, dude! We're gonna find another wood burner. Do you know who my father is? Ted Wassanasong.
YYoshida
Did he play for the Tokyo Giants?
What? No. But, he can do anything. In fact, he could start a Binchotan business and drive you out of the state!
YYoshida
Oh yeah? Well, then I'll just sue you for racial discrimination against black small businesses.
You can't play two race cards!
Hijole, the cojones on this guy!
Man, if there was a Laotian martial art, I'd use it to kick your ass!
YYoshida
There is a Laotian martial art. It's called Muay Lao.
Don't tell me about my culture! It's called "suck it!"
TGTour Guide
You'll work as a team, and make important decisions about the September 2008 housing crisis, during the collapse of the subprime mortgage industry when the government debated the takeover of Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac.
Ooh, that's a juicy one.
TGTour Guide
Would you like to be the president?
... I do solemnly swear that I will faithfully execute the office of President of the United States, and will-
TGTour Guide
A simple "yes" would have sufficed. Ma'am, you'll be Fed Chairman John Paulson.
Ho'yeah! I can buy and sell all of you losers.
Sug, can I be the Fannie Mae president? I just like the name Fannie Mae.
TGTour Guide
Huh- sure.
And I'll be the head of the shadowy Trilateral Commission, David Rockefeller. [to the man next to him] And you'll be the Queen of England. We all know that the president's just a puppet, and that the queen and Lyndon LaRouche pulled all the strings.
That's not true, Dale.
Can you prove that it isn't true? Can you, Hank?
Mr. President to you, Rockefeller.
PPatron
Can I be Epstein?
From Welcome Back, Kotter? No. Why?
FPFemale Patron
Can I be Obama's Kenyan handler?
Obama was born in Hawaii. That's reason enough not to vote for him without making stuff up. [to the guide] Wait, aren't you gonna do anything?
TGTour Guide
Ha. You're the president.
No, not if this group isn't gonna respect the historical accuracy. I might as well stand here and do nothing.
Fine. Vice President it is.
GAGerman-American Cultural Association member
Are you any relaton to Cotton Hill?
[laughs] I'm his grandson.
GAGerman-American Cultural Association member
He machine-gunned my grandfather.
So he was one of the "fitty men"?
S14 E4Chore Money, Chore Problems
Why don't you sit down and relax?
It's 10:30 on a Tuesday. We don't live in an opium den.
Honey, the whole point of retirement is you do not have to fill in every free moment with work. Come on, watch some TV with me.
What are you watching?
It is a British reality show called The Make Up Bake Up. A couple tries to work through their relationship issues while making a pastry, cake, or tart. [unmutes the TV] Oh, and they are naked.
Hey, were you mad at me earlier?
No. Why?
Because this afternoon, you texted me, "Joseph, we need to talk." Period.
So periods are angry. No man, I just wanted to tell you that Connie came into the restaurant today.
No way! To see you?
She was on a date, uh, with Chane.
Oh Bobby. Did you freak out? Did you scream at him? Did you slap Connie's name out of his mouth?
I was actually really mature about the whole thing, 'cause truth is, I really just want Connie and I to be friends.
[unconvinced] Uh-huh...
[gets a text] It's her!
Connie? What's it say?
"It was really great to see you today." Period. "Karaoke tomorrow night?" Question mark?
Oh-ho! Sounds like she's got Bobby on the brain! Maybe you still got a shot.
Nah, I bet Chane's going too.
Dude, still! Say yes!
Okay, okay. "Hello, Connie." Period- nope. "It would be my honor to-"
[scoffs and takes Bobby's phone] I'll do it. Bobby, you text like AI.
The rules are confusing!
S14 E5New Ref in Town
I went with Boomhauer to watch his girlfriend's son's soccer game.
Well honey, that is not a bad thing. I, for one, am glad to see that Boomhauer is taking his role as Luke's father-adjascent figure seriously.
[sighs] I also filled in as referee after everyone turned on Boomhauer. They kicked balls at his head, Peggy. The disrespect for authority was just so un-American.
Our country has changed, Hank. Do you know that the cashier at Frumpy's asks for tips now? I came here for some sensible shorts, not to get fleeced!
I love soccer, Peggy.
[gasps] You are lucky my father is not alive, Hank Hill. He did not approve of soccer, no siree. He'd ban me from being with a bad boy like you. Although, it's almost like we have a dirty little secret. Hey Hank, why don't you put on that referee uniform? I haven't seen your calves during the day in a decade.
Peggy, the windows are open!
I know. Are you gonna put me in the penalty box?
Now that's hockey. I'm reffing soccer.
Don't ruin it. [pulls him to the bedroom]
LLandlord
You can't bring a horse into our garage. Get rid of it by tomorrow, or I'm going to evict you.
Our upstairs neighbor has a dog!
LLandlord
You have a HORSE! And it just shat all over my wife's Ford Focus!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's King of the Hill pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.