[Peter discovers that an aging Brian is sleeping on his grave site]
Oh, my God! I'm dead! How?!
PSPatrick Swayze
You died from a fire started by your MILF on a shelf.
S16Don't Be a Dickens at Christmas
S16Boy (Dog) Meets Girl (Dog)
[in old age, to Scott] Scott...I'm finally ready to hear the specials.
S16Dog Bites Bear
[Peter is skipping down the road to the store while urban music plays]
A loaf of bread, a container of milk, and a stick of butter. A loaf of milk, a container of bread, and a Joe Dirt DVD. A Joe Dirt DVD, Scarlett Johansson, and treasure from a fish tank.
[after shaking hands with the Boo Berry mascot at the store] I've been touched by greatness! I am never washing this hand again! This is the best thing to happen to me since I became a wise-cracking, fourth-wall-breaking superhero! [cutaway to Peter on a highway, dressed in a blood-red mercenary outfit] Call me "Redstool." The treatment didn't give me powers, but it did spread cancer to my anus.
[Redstool engages in a gory fight with some thugs with guns while a song to the tune of "Angel of the Morning" plays]
SSinger
Just call me anus of the morning, anus/Just touch my cheek before you leave me, anus/This violence juxtaposed to music, anus/Decapitation in slow-motion, anus
S16Send in Stewie, Please
[Stewie makes a long-winded description of Dr. Pritchfield, proving to know a lot about him]
See? I guess we do know each other a bit.
PPritchfield
You seem like a very lonely little boy.
[in tears] Oh my God, I am! I'm so lonely! [cries] You can see inside my soul!
S16V is for Mystery
WWatson
Holmes, there's something I have to tell you. I'm getting...
HHolmes
[cutting him off] I deduce, Watson, that you're getting married!
WWatson
I just said that.
HHolmes
Yes, but I had deduced it first.
WWatson
He's got a gun! Look out, Stew ... Holmes! God, this is gonna be so annoying.
S16Veteran Guy
MMan
[reads Peter's hat] USS Nathan James?
[Peter salutes him]
Yes, sir. Boats, military, sir.
MMan
The Nathan James is the fictitious ship on TNT's The Last Ship, starring Adam Baldwin and Jocko Sims.
[pause]
MMan
...and Man.
Uh-oh.
S16The Woof of Wall Street
[The guys offer to watch the Drunken Clam after Jerome has to take care of her mother on Long Island for a month.]
You guys would look after this place for me?
Of course, running a bar has always been my dream! Well, that, and waking up a rooster. [Cuts to Peter slowly sneaking up on a rooster sleeping on a fence] AARRRGH! [The rooster wakes up and falls off of the fence.] Enjoy the rest of your Saturday.
[Brian is in a cage waiting to be killed and made into a protein shake. He hopes to be put down peacefully, but is frightened to see Michael Vick walk into the room where the dogs are murdered.]
CVCrowd Voiceover
Vick!
[Brian becomes more afraid when Eli Manning follows Vick.]
CVCrowd Voiceover
And Eli Manning!
I didn’t know that about you.
EMEli Manning
Oh yeah, I’m a real idiot psychopath.
CCClosed Captioning
[On the bottom of the screen] This isn’t true, but Patriots fans write this show.
S16Family Guy Through the Years
For 60 years, Sunday has meant God, football, and Family Guy, and later, to a lesser degree, The Simpsons.
S16Switch the Flip
TTTricia Takanawa
[in Ollie Williams's body] I'm standing here for some reason doing the weather in a giant black man's body. What kind of a Friday is this?
OWOllie Williams
[in Tricia's body] FREAKY!
TTTricia Takanawa
Back to you, Tom.
[in Tom Tucker's body] This just in: all kids report to the blue van in the park at 3 pm for free popsicles!
[Brian is climbing to the cell phone tower with the body swapper strapped to his back]
Brian, hurry!
Stewie, I'm in Chris' body. I'm dragging 230 pounds of lard up a ladder.
I'm 215, you liberal dickweed!
S16HTTPete
HHammer
Remember, Peter. Never walk anywhere when you can ride something weird instead.
What's that? Sorry, I was too busy taking a selfie while shooting a Snapchat while periscoping that Snapchat while Instagramming latte art while Shazaming the Weeknd while streaming Master of None retweeting George Takei while saying, "This wins the Internet!" while still being #sooobored. Hammer? Hammer? Come on, man. Don't make me look up from my phone.
TATV announcer
And now back to Marvel's The Offenders.
BCBill Cosby
(dressed as Nick Fury) Good morning, ya see. I gathered you all here together: Kevin Spacey, Roman Polanski- hey, hey, hey- Woody Allen, Steven Seagal, Matt Lauer, with the pudding pop... [Lauer poses at Cosby] Brett Ratner, and you, lesser-known offender James Toback.
HWHarvey Weinstein
[in a Hulk-like voice, lumbering in wearing a barely-covering bathrobe] Don't forget me! Harvey shower.
WAWoody Allen
Uh, I...is Matt Damon coming?
BCBill Cosby
No, but he knows about all of us. He's... very aware of what's goin' on here, ya see.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Family Guy pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.