Susan Delfino quotes from Desperate Housewives

Susan

Do you believe in evil, Edie?

Edie

Of course I believe in evil, I work in real estate!

Susan

You lied to me.

Mike

When? When did I lie to you?

Susan

The police showed me your rap sheet. You killed a man.

Mike

You can't believe I'm some cold-blood killer.

Susan

No, of course I don't believe that, but I also didn't believe that Karl was going to cheat on me, and I didn't believe that Mary Alice was gonna kill herself. I mean, let's face it, Mike. Blind faith is not my friend.

Mike

I was gonna tell you. There just wasn't a right moment.

Susan

See? Now that's a lie, too, because there were plenty of right moments.

Mike

Susan...

Susan

Every time we went out for pizza, you could have said, 'oh, by the way, I once killed a man.' Or when you said, 'hey, let's go jogging', you could have said, 'well, by the way, I once killed a man.' Every time we went to the movies and the hero shot the bad guy, you could have turned to me and said, "oh, by the way, I did that once" You didn't.

Edie

Susan, you know I try. I try to look past your flaws, your klutziness, that, that faux vulnerability, your hair, but you look for ways to push my buttons.

Susan

He just wants to buy me a burrito.

Susan

What do you mean, you know?

Julie

I mean, I know.

Susan

What are you saying, that your father actually told you he was gonna be having a one night stand with Edie Britt?

Julie

Uh, mom, this wasn't a one night stand. He's been going out with Mrs. Britt for a few months now.

Susan

What?! How could you not tell me that? We share everything. That's what we're known for. That's our thing.

Julie

Because I knew you'd wig out. Besides, haven't you always told me to respect people's privacy?

Susan

Oh, I've never applied that concept to your father's sex life, and you know it.

Julie

Are you done?"

Susan

No! I have not even begun ripping into Edie Britt yet. Oh, that peroxide vulture. As know as sure as I am standing here that she went after your father just to tick me off.

Julie

Wrong again.

Susan

What?

Julie

He asked her out.

Susan

You lie.

Julie

It's true. He called her for a date six months ago. The day after my birthday party.

Susan

The one at the piano bar?

Julie

Yeah. What is it?

Susan

Oh, um... Your father just came over that day and told me some stuff. You know, some stuff that I haven't, and can't tell you.

Julie

Wait, whatever happened to 'We share everything'? Isn't that our thing, what we're known for?

Susan

Um, actually, I think what we're known for is sharing clothes. Yeah, I think that's our thing.

Susan

I'm all for Julie spending time with Karl. He is still her dad, and she loves him.

Mike

But...

Susan

But he's with Edie! I mean, she's not exactly the maternal type. I wouldn't be a good mother if I wasn't concerned. I mean, who knows what passes for a kid-friendly, good time in there? Drugs? Porn? Smoking?

Susan

Well, what makes you so sure that I don't have a talent?

Edie

Hmm. Just a hunch.

Susan

Yeah, well we've all seen your talent, which is a nice way of telling you, why don't you put some curtains on your bedroom window?

Julie

Guys!

Edie

"Oh, come on. Be honest, you didn't want any part of this until you found out that I was involved.

Susan

That is so not true!

Edie

Oh, yes it is. It burns you that your own daughter picked me over you.

Susan

She did not pick you. It just didn't occur to her that I would agree to do it. Well, now she knows, and she had it to do over again, she'd pick me.

Edie

No, she wouldn't.

Susan

Well, why don't we put it to a test? Julie, who would you rather have play with you?

Julie

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Susan

No, it's okay, honey. Who do you want to be with you in the 'family' talent show?

Edie

Yes, who do you want with you in front of all of those people? And remember, it's a church. They are going to be judging you.

Julie

Ohh... okay. Well, first of all, you both suck, but if I had to choose... I guess I'd pick my mom. Sorry, Edie.

Edie

Fair enough. I'd like my pitch pipe back, please.

Mike

Uh, Susan?

Susan

Yeah?

Mike

Technically, we don't have to be casual anymore.

Susan

I can be naked in 20 seconds. That includes travel time.

Bree

Well, I have some good news. The police have finally released Rex's body.

Gabrielle

About time.

Susan

You must be so relieved.

Bree

You know, mostly I'm just annoyed that the whole thing happened in the first place. I mean, how in the world could anybody accuse me of murder?

Edie

Well, you are wound pretty tight. (everyone looks at her) What? The supermom is always first to snap. They've done studies.

Bree

Anyway, I was... I was hoping that you are were free Friday morning because that's when I'm going to be hosting the reburial.

Gabrielle

The what?

Bree

Look, I know it's an imposition, but Danielle is away on a class trip, and Andrew is back at the Camp Hennessey for a little refresher course. Well, it's just gonna be a very brief and dignified ceremony and I was hoping that you could say a few words, and, um, I'm gonna read a poem.

Gabrielle

We would love to come.

Susan

Absolutely.

Edie

I'm busy. Sorry.

Susan

Edie!

Edie

She's going to read a poem!

Edie

Ouch!! Fine! Yes, yes, we'd all love to come.

Bree

My husband, the man I spent my life with for 18 years, died thinking that I murdered him.

Susan

What?

Bree

Yes, the cardiologist shared this moronic theory with Rex. And Rex believed him!

Gabrielle

Are you sure?

Bree

Yes, because he left a note and it said, and I quote, 'Bree, I understand and I forgive you.' I spent 18 years of my life with this man. How could he not know me?

Edie

Well, maybe he was forgiving you for something else?

Bree

(exploding) I HAVE DONE NOTHING TO BE FORGIVEN FOR! I was a fantastic wife! When he was sick, I nursed him. When we were low on money, I stayed within a budget. I cooked his meals. I mended his clothes. For the love of god, I used to check his back for acne. And that miserable son of a bitch has the nerve to understand and forgive me? Well, the joke's on him, because I do not understand, and I do not forgive.

Time to check your blood pressure.

Susan

Oh, sure. Oh, that's a little tight. Does it have to be that tight?

Yes.

Susan

Oh. Okay. Ow, ow. That's actually starting to be painful.

Really? That surprises me. I just assumed you were dead inside.

Susan

I need you to ditch Edie tomorrow night and have dinner with Dr. Ron and me.

Karl

Now why would I do that?

Susan

Well, for starters, because you banged your secretary and you owe me for the rest of your life.

Karl

I'll bring the wine.

Susan

How do you sleep at night?

Edie

Soon... with Mike on top of me

Ian

While you're in a good mood, I thought I'd spring something on you. My parents are coming to town.

Susan

Your parents? Really?

Ian

And I wondered if you might be free to join us for dinner Saturday.

Susan

Absolutely. So I assume this means they know about me?

Ian

But of course.

Susan

And they know about me as in (in a bad English accent) "Mum, Dad, bloody good news. I've got myself a smashing new girlfriend."

Ian

That's adorable. Please don't do it in front of them.

Susan

Ian, haven't you ever wondered why I've never cooked for you?

Ian

I just assumed that you were lazy.

Susan

I wish. My cooking is not good.

Ian

Well, my parents won't be expecting a gourmet meal.

Susan

Will they be expecting stomach cramps, acid reflux, night sweats?

Ian

Now nothing elaborate. Just a simple roast and, uh, and something appropriate to go with it.

Susan

Right...like an ambulance.

Susan

So I'm cooking dinner for Ian's parents tomorrow night, and it's the first time I'm meeting them, so I sort of wanna impress them.

Bree

And yet you're cooking?