Susan Delfino quotes from Desperate Housewives

Susan

What's going on?

They just arrested Mike for murder.

Susan

What?!

"They're saying he killed that woman on the news, that Monique person."

Bree

Oh, thank God!

Susan

Is Edie getting you a good lawyer?

Mike

I doubt it. She dumped me today.

Susan

What? Why?

Mike

Well, I was arrested for murder.

Susan

Still. It's tacky.

Ian

Well, you, uh, you may not be a good cook but you're certainly a tidy one.

Susan

Don't worry. Dinner's all taken care of. We're having blanquette de veau and a grand marnier soufflé.

Ian

Well, that's very ambitious of you, and, uh, when will Bree be done making it?

Susan

Five-thirty. But I am rewarming it all by myself.

Susan

What are you saying? You think Mike is guilty?

Lynette

Hey, why don't we start that girl talk?"

Gabrielle

I'll get the ball rolling. Anybody have a yeast infection?

Bree

They found Monique's blood on the wrench that Mike was trying to dispose of. I mean, that hardly screams innocence.

Susan

Her teeth were pulled. You don't think that's worth telling the cops she was messing around with a dentist?

Susan

If you're so sure that Orson is innocent, why don't we go through his things? Where's his desk?

Bree

At his office. And what did you think you'd find there anyway?

Susan

I don't know. A blackmail letter, a necklace made of teeth?

Susan

Well, I am certainly not playing with a woman that is willing to let Mike take the fall for her psycho husband.

Bree

Well, needless to say, I won't be cooking dinner for Ian's parents.

Susan

Fine. I'll cook myself.

Bree

Good. Let me know if there are any survivors.

Susan

And if you take Orson back, you do the same.

Susan

You know, Mike barely remembers me. What makes you so sure he would fall in love with me again?

Ian

What a perfectly asinine question. How could he not?

Gabrielle

Wait, wait, wait. First rule of ransacking: remember where everything goes.

Susan

You are gonna make a really good mother someday.

Susan

"I wish she'd hurry. I'm terrified of snakes."

Lynette

"Yeah, I'm more terrified of Gaby."

Mike Delfino

You're doing great honey, just keep breathing. How close are the contractions?

Susan Delfino

A few weeks apart... wanna go to the movies?

Mike Delfino

What?

Susan Delfino

I'm not in labor, ok?

Mike Delfino

But y-your water broke. I saw it!

Susan

It was club soda. Amniotic fluid doesn't have ice cubes and a lemon wedge.

Lynette

How did he die? Was he beaten to death because his name was Maynard?

Susan

I know. It's terrible but I can't change it now. Mike was so emotional about it.

Bree

Well, then appeal to his sense of reason. Maynard doesn't go with the name Delfino. One is German and one is Italian and we all know what happens when those folks get together.

Susan

I'm not sure that the World War II argument is going to fly.

Bree

Come on, you have to do something. That name is practically abusive.

Gabrielle

Yeah, think about your son. People live up to the names they're given. If my parents hadn't named me Gabrielle, who knows if I'd be this pretty?

Lynette

I guess that's why they didn't name you "Einstein."

Gabrielle

So sarcastic but what would you expect from a "Lynette"? (Lynette scoffs) What? If your name was Francesca, you wouldn't have time for sarcasm. You'd be too busy having sex on a vespa.

Susan

I need a man in my life!

Why? We're so useless.

Gabrielle

I'd say avoid math and science. They cause serious frown lines. Young girls today need to know the dangers of long division.

Susan

She used to be married to a Yankee, okay? We're screwed.

Susan

Oh, why shouldn't I do it?

Renee

Because you'll be forever connected to him. You'll never get rid of him.

And I have a feeling that's not the only organ he wants to share with you.