Susan Delfino quotes from Desperate Housewives

Susan

You have the kids' table in your driveway.

Susan

Julie? Mike Delfino just invited us to dinner Friday night.

Julie

He did? Cool.

Susan

But only I'm going. Because you're gonna come down with something semi-serious that requires bed-rest and fluids.

Gabrielle

So now you're taking Julie on your dinner date with Mike?

Susan

Yeah, well, if Edie's gonna be there, I'm gonna need emotional support.

Julie

Dear Diary, Mike doesn't even know I'm alive.

Susan

Shut up, Julie!

Julie

If you wanna date him, you're gonna have to ask him out.

Susan

I keep hoping he'll ask me out.

Julie

How's that going?

Susan

Shouldn't you be making brownies for your nerdy friends?

Gabrielle

I can't believe she wormed her way in. How did you let her do that?

Susan

I don't know, I was gonna take her out at the knees, but it all happened so fast.

Gabrielle

Well, you know what you need to do. You need to get there early, spend a little time with Mike before little barracuda gets there.

Susan

That's a good idea. Edie will get there at 05:45, which means her breasts will arrive at 05:30, so I should shoot for five.

Paul

Can I be frank?

Susan

Of course.

Paul

I don't care what her reasons were. Maybe she was depressed. Maybe she was bored. It doesn't matter. She abandoned her husband and her son. And I'll never forgive her.

Susan

Lynette?

Lynette

I'm in.

Bree

I'll make braised lamb shanks.

Lynette

I'm still in.

Susan

How could we have all forgotten about this?

Lynette

We didn't exactly forget, it's just usually when the hostess dies the party is off.

Bree

Lynette!

Lynette

I'm not being flip, I'm just pointing out a reality.

Karl

The heart wants what it wants.

Susan

Well, my heart wants to hurt you, but I can control myself!

Lynette

Did you bat your eyes? You know, it doesn't work if you don't bat your eyes.

Susan

Honey, I batted everything that wasn't nailed down.

Susan

I hate to bother you while you're um...working, but do you have change for a 5? Preferably in quarters.

If I got paid in quarters I must be doing something wrong!

Julie

How am I supposed to blend in with a bunch of messed up teenagers?

Susan

I don't know, pretend you're bulimic, gag a little.

Susan

Hey Edie!

Edie

Wow, get a load of you. You look so pretty. I hardly recognize you.

Susan

Everybody's staring at me, aren't they?

Mike

Just the slapstick fans.

Julie

Oh, I talked to Dad today, and apparently, he and Brandi might break up.

Susan

Oh, how awful!

Julie

Mom, you're smiling.

Susan

"Am I? Hmm."