Rex Van de Kamp quotes from Desperate Housewives

Rex

For God's sake Bree, what do you want me to say? He's a teenage boy, we could cut off his penis and he'd still try to have sex.

Rex

So these tennis lessons we're taking. How are we doing?

Bree

My back hand is improving immensely, but you're still having problems with your serve.

Rex

Of course.

Bree

He could've been a sexual predator.

Rex

And he ended up at Mrs. Frome's? That's a lose-lose situation.

Rex

Oh come on, I'm staying at a motel, I haven't had a decent meal in weeks.

Bree

Honey, the marriage counseling may not work out, you need to get used to bad cooking.

Bree

Rex. The truth is, with the kids gone, I'll be all by myself in this house for the first time in seventeen years.

Rex

Honey, I know it's hard to hear, but the marriage counseling might not work out. You need to get used to being alone.

Bree

You're right. That was hard to hear.

Bree

I'm repairing a chipped mug.

Rex

Why don't you just buy a new one?

Bree

Because I think it's better to fix what you already have.

Bree

This is the most impoverished neighborhood in the city. Trust me, someone will steal the car.

Rex

How can you be so sure?

Bree

Because I have faith in the poor.

Bree

Were you with a woman? Did you tell that you have a wife, or does that hinder your pick-up style?

Rex

All right. Even if I was seeing someone, I have every right to. Exploring options is the whole point of being separated!

Bree

Options! I'm not a mutual fund, Rex.

Bree

(whispering) As of this moment, Rex, I am no longer your wife. I am going to go out, and find the most vindictive lawyer I can find, and together, we are going to eviscerate you. I'm going to take away your money, your family, and your dignity. Do you hear me?

Rex

Bree...

Bree

And I am so thrilled to know that you still love me. Because I want what's about to happen to you...to hurt as much as humanly possible. I'm so glad you didn't die before I got a chance to tell you that.

It was nice talking with you, Dr. Van de Kamp.

Rex

Please, you're dating my wife! Call me Rex!

Rex

Hey!

Bree

I'm not speaking to you.

Rex

Didn’t like the settlement talks, huh?

Bree

You only demanded the good china because you know I love it.

Rex

You take our timeshare in Aspen, and I'm vindictive? Come on! You'll hardly ever use that place!

Bree

Hardly? How about never!

Rex

I mean, fine. When I move out, I’m going to use your good china for take out food. Yeah. pizza, spare ribs...

Bree

You know what? At our next settlement talks, I plan on asking for your golf clubs!

Rex

Isn’t divorce fun?

Rex

What do you say Bree, do we send the vultures home?

Bree

I want to keep the club membership. Rex is terrible at tennis and hates buffets.

Bree

Okay. So what’s our control word?

Rex

Well, lately I’ve been using Philadelphia. What's wrong?

Bree

Well it's just that my Aunt Fern lives in Philadelphia and I don’t want to be thinking about her while I’m spanking you with a leather strap.

Rex

Okay. Fine. You pick a control word.

Bree

Um, how about Boise?

Rex

Boise?

Bree

What's the matter with Boise?

Rex

We're going to be doing psychological role playing here, Bree, and a funny word like Boise would ruin the mood. We need something that sounds serious."

Bree

Hmm. How about Palestine?

Rex

Boise will be just fine.

Rex

For God's sake, you promised to be supportive.

Bree

What do you want me to say? My husband likes to wear metal clamps around his nipples. Hooray?

Rex

Are they laughing at us?

Bree

No, I think they're laughing at you. I think they feel sorry for me which is, just as mortifying.