Mike Delfino quotes from Desperate Housewives

Mike Delfino

to Orson) Are you the guy that ran me over?

Mike

"What's goin' on? Who are these guys?"

Mike Delfino

[to Susan when he comes home to discover that she wants to have sex with him for the 4th time that day] Oh, God... Susan, I can't. I got nothin' left! I hit my hand with a wrench today, and when I cried, only dust came out!

Susan

Everybody's staring at me, aren't they?

Mike

Just the slapstick fans.

Susan

You lied to me.

Mike

When? When did I lie to you?

Susan

The police showed me your rap sheet. You killed a man.

Mike

You can't believe I'm some cold-blood killer.

Susan

No, of course I don't believe that, but I also didn't believe that Karl was going to cheat on me, and I didn't believe that Mary Alice was gonna kill herself. I mean, let's face it, Mike. Blind faith is not my friend.

Mike

I was gonna tell you. There just wasn't a right moment.

Susan

See? Now that's a lie, too, because there were plenty of right moments.

Mike

Susan...

Susan

Every time we went out for pizza, you could have said, 'oh, by the way, I once killed a man.' Or when you said, 'hey, let's go jogging', you could have said, 'well, by the way, I once killed a man.' Every time we went to the movies and the hero shot the bad guy, you could have turned to me and said, "oh, by the way, I did that once" You didn't.

Susan

I'm all for Julie spending time with Karl. He is still her dad, and she loves him.

Mike

But...

Susan

But he's with Edie! I mean, she's not exactly the maternal type. I wouldn't be a good mother if I wasn't concerned. I mean, who knows what passes for a kid-friendly, good time in there? Drugs? Porn? Smoking?

Mike

Uh, Susan?

Susan

Yeah?

Mike

Technically, we don't have to be casual anymore.

Susan

I can be naked in 20 seconds. That includes travel time.

Edie

I don't know if you picked up on this, Mike, but...I haven't been happy.

Mike

No, I didn't pick up on it.

Edie

Well, I wanted to tell you this weeks ago, and I wish that I had, because now I know you're gonna think that I'm breaking up with you over this whole blood on the ax thing.

Mike

Wrench.

Edie

Whatever. But believe me, that's not it. It's just...we are moving too fast.

Mike

What are you trying to say?

Edie

Well, maybe we should just take a break. You know, date other people.

Mike

You're telling me this on the day I'm put in a men's prison?

Edie

Well, I said the timing was bad. I am sorry. I, I really am. I just can't do this.

Susan

Is Edie getting you a good lawyer?

Mike

I doubt it. She dumped me today.

Susan

What? Why?

Mike

Well, I was arrested for murder.

Susan

Still. It's tacky.

Mike Delfino

You're doing great honey, just keep breathing. How close are the contractions?

Susan Delfino

A few weeks apart... wanna go to the movies?

Mike Delfino

What?

Susan Delfino

I'm not in labor, ok?

Mike Delfino

But y-your water broke. I saw it!

Susan

It was club soda. Amniotic fluid doesn't have ice cubes and a lemon wedge.