Julie quotes from Desperate Housewives

Susan

Julie? Mike Delfino just invited us to dinner Friday night.

Julie

He did? Cool.

Susan

But only I'm going. Because you're gonna come down with something semi-serious that requires bed-rest and fluids.

Julie

Dear Diary, Mike doesn't even know I'm alive.

Susan

Shut up, Julie!

Julie

If you wanna date him, you're gonna have to ask him out.

Susan

I keep hoping he'll ask me out.

Julie

How's that going?

Susan

Shouldn't you be making brownies for your nerdy friends?

Julie

How am I supposed to blend in with a bunch of messed up teenagers?

Susan

I don't know, pretend you're bulimic, gag a little.

Julie

Oh, I talked to Dad today, and apparently, he and Brandi might break up.

Susan

Oh, how awful!

Julie

Mom, you're smiling.

Susan

"Am I? Hmm."

Susan

What do you mean, you know?

Julie

I mean, I know.

Susan

What are you saying, that your father actually told you he was gonna be having a one night stand with Edie Britt?

Julie

Uh, mom, this wasn't a one night stand. He's been going out with Mrs. Britt for a few months now.

Susan

What?! How could you not tell me that? We share everything. That's what we're known for. That's our thing.

Julie

Because I knew you'd wig out. Besides, haven't you always told me to respect people's privacy?

Susan

Oh, I've never applied that concept to your father's sex life, and you know it.

Julie

Are you done?"

Susan

No! I have not even begun ripping into Edie Britt yet. Oh, that peroxide vulture. As know as sure as I am standing here that she went after your father just to tick me off.

Julie

Wrong again.

Susan

What?

Julie

He asked her out.

Susan

You lie.

Julie

It's true. He called her for a date six months ago. The day after my birthday party.

Susan

The one at the piano bar?

Julie

Yeah. What is it?

Susan

Oh, um... Your father just came over that day and told me some stuff. You know, some stuff that I haven't, and can't tell you.

Julie

Wait, whatever happened to 'We share everything'? Isn't that our thing, what we're known for?

Susan

Um, actually, I think what we're known for is sharing clothes. Yeah, I think that's our thing.

Susan

Well, what makes you so sure that I don't have a talent?

Edie

Hmm. Just a hunch.

Susan

Yeah, well we've all seen your talent, which is a nice way of telling you, why don't you put some curtains on your bedroom window?

Julie

Guys!

Edie

"Oh, come on. Be honest, you didn't want any part of this until you found out that I was involved.

Susan

That is so not true!

Edie

Oh, yes it is. It burns you that your own daughter picked me over you.

Susan

She did not pick you. It just didn't occur to her that I would agree to do it. Well, now she knows, and she had it to do over again, she'd pick me.

Edie

No, she wouldn't.

Susan

Well, why don't we put it to a test? Julie, who would you rather have play with you?

Julie

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Susan

No, it's okay, honey. Who do you want to be with you in the 'family' talent show?

Edie

Yes, who do you want with you in front of all of those people? And remember, it's a church. They are going to be judging you.

Julie

Ohh... okay. Well, first of all, you both suck, but if I had to choose... I guess I'd pick my mom. Sorry, Edie.

Edie

Fair enough. I'd like my pitch pipe back, please.