Carlos Solis quotes from Desperate Housewives

Carlos

We have to protect our daughter.

Gabrielle

If you ever hurt me again, I will kill you.

Carlos

If you ever leave me for another man, I'll kill you.

Gabrielle

Boy, with all this passion, isn't it a shame that we're not having sex?

Carlos

Where are you going?

Gabrielle

I feel a wave of morning sickness coming on, and I want to be standing on your mother's grave when it hits.

Carlos

Before the accident I told her how much I wanted a child and she said that she would take care of it. I just thought that she would talk to you. Baby, I am so sorry.

Gabrielle

That bitch! I can’t believe her.

Carlos

I loved her, but even I had issues sometimes. I mean she could be very controlling.

Gabrielle

Reaching out from the grave to screw with me. God, she’s good!

Carlos

I can't believe you had an affair.

Gabrielle

Well, you tampering with my birth control pills was a lot worse than that.

Carlos

We're not very nice people, are we?

Gabrielle

No.

Carlos

When we got married I thought we were gonna be so happy.

Gabrielle

Me too. But look on the bright side. At least we're still rich.

Carlos

Thank God for that.

Gabrielle

Be careful, Carlos. Up until now, I've been really lonely in that big bed of ours, but when you're rude to me, it makes me wanna be not so lonely.

Carlos

Comments like that are exactly why you'll never again have access to my money.

Gabrielle

Why are all rich men jerks?

Carlos

Same reason all beautiful women are bitches.

Carlos

So, same time tomorrow?

Gabrielle

Sure, baby.

Gabrielle

(heard from Carlos about a guy demanding money) Honey, I think this is a mistake. If we give in to extortion, the guy's just gonna keep coming back for more money.

Carlos

What choice do I have?

Gabrielle

You're a strong guy. You went to college on an athletic scholarship, for God's sakes.

Carlos

Yeah. It was for golf!

Carlos

Is that the baby's head?

Gabrielle

No, that's his foot.

Carlos

That looks like a head to me.

Gabrielle

Well, that settles it. When this baby's born, I'll be in charge of putting on the socks.

This is your third group session, but you have yet to share anything. Come on, talk to us. How's your marriage?

Gabrielle

Shaky, at best.

And why is that?

Gabrielle

I don't know. I hired a brilliant lawyer to get my husband out of this hellhole, and he fired him for no reason at all.

Carlos?

Carlos

I just didn't like him.

Gabrielle

Why not? He's experienced, he's intelligent, he's successful.

Carlos

Exactly! I'd prefer an attorney you didn't find so damn appealing.

Gabrielle

Oh, my god. You fired him because you're jealous?

Carlos

Don't I have the right to? You know, she cheated on me.

Gabrielle

Oh, Bob. You beat your wife. You are so not allowed to gasp.

Don't you talk that way to him!

Gabrielle

One more word out of you, Lisa, and I will backhand you myself.

Okay, calm down.

Carlos

Thousands of fat, bald attorneys out there in the world, and she's gotta get the one that looks like an underwear model.

Gabrielle

I'm not discussing this anymore. You can rot in here for all I care.

So, um... Mona, what do you feel are the biggest problems in your marriage?

Gabrielle

(interrupting) By the way, he was wearing a suit. How do you know he had a good body?!

Carlos

Do you know?

Gabrielle

No!

I bet he's hot.

Do I need to say what our biggest problem is, or can everybody figure it out for themselves?

Carlos

What, so you don't get what you want, you just walk off and pout?

Gabrielle

Oh, this isn't about me. This is about our great nation, and I have no intention of statisfying a man who isn't willing to stand up for and help spread the ideas and values of the United States of America.

Carlos

[about Gabrielle's mother] I think your hatred for her is clouding your judgment.

Gabrielle

Maybe, but you don't know her like I do.

Carlos

Okay. You ran away from home fifteen years ago. Did you ever think to talk to her about the stuff that happened between you and your step-dad?

Gabrielle

It wouldn't have done any good.

Carlos

How do you know that?

Gabrielle

Because she knew exactly what was going on with Alejandro and she chose to look the other way.

Carlos

But you never even gave her a chance to step up. You just ran away from home.

Gabrielle

[in tears] Because if I did, then she, we, there was a chance she wouldn't have believed me, and, and that would've hurt a lot worse than anything he ever did to me.

Carlos

Gaby, these pictures have to be wholesome. They gotta say 'these people will do a great job raising a child.

Gabrielle

So?

Carlos

So, you're topless.

Gabrielle

Yeah, but it's St. Barts and your hands are covering my naughty parts.

Carlos

Do you mean the hand that's holding the tequila shot, or the one that's holding the Cuban cigar?

Gabrielle

Yeah, that was a good trip.

Libby's a pole dancer in a strip club.

Gabrielle

Oh! Wow, that, that sounds like interesting work.

You'd think so, but it gets old quickly. My big dream is to become a choreographer.

Carlos

Really?

Yeah. I made up this one move. It's called the serpent's tongue, and all the girls at the club are doing it now. It's so cool. If I had a pole I could show you.

Carlos

Well, we'll have to go down to the club and check that out. We'll make a night of it.

Carlos

That was our lawyer. Libby rejected us as parents.

Gabrielle

Why?

Gabrielle

What? That's discrimination. It's illegal. We could have her arrested.

Carlos

It's her baby. She can do whatever the hell she wants to with it. Damn it.

Gabrielle

No! No, you don't just toss people aside because of the color of their skin.

Carlos

We tossed those birth mothers aside because of their appearance.

Gabrielle

Well, that's different.

Carlos

Why?

Gabrielle

Because I've read the constitution and it does not protect ugly people.

Carlos

Okay, so if this guy shows up again, what am I supposed to do, exactly?

Gabrielle

Nothing. Just having you helps.

Carlos

Now that's very sweet.

Gabrielle

Because when he breaks in and starts hacking you up with his machete, your screams will wake me up, and then I'll be able to escape.