Hayley Smith quotes from American Dad!

Stan

You missed family game night for that?! Go wash it out; you look like a slutty wad of money.

Hayley

No way!

Stan

[quickly reassembles, points gun at Hayley] Yes way!

Francine

Stan!

Stan

She started it!

Stan

These wigs are fashioned after the most revered Republican first ladies of our time. [pointing out the various wigs] The Barbara Bush, the Nancy Reagan, the Maria Shriver.... [looks directly at the audience] Stay tuned.

Hayley

Those are terrible!

Stan

Hey, girls your age have to go through chemo to get a wig this nice!

Hey, waitress! Bring me another beer.

Hayley

But I just brought you one.

Yeah, this one's to drown my crabs. [pours beer down his pants]

Hayley

My mother stole my boyfriend!

Stan

Your boyfriend stole my wife! Let's get back at them by dating each other!

Stan

Wait a minute. Daddy didn't think that through.

Stan

Nobody threatens my family. Now, get out of the way or I'll shoot you all.

Hayley

Oh, God, it's my junior prom all over again.

Roger

Hey, Hayley, got a minute?

Hayley

Roger? You're alive? Or is this like an episode of the Twilight Zone where I talk to you from beyond the grave but only with terrible ironic results?

Roger

Oh, right, it's after 12:00, you're already high. Let me talk to the fish.

Francine

Hayley, why don't you say grace?

Hayley

I'll pass.

Steve

Come on, you pray all the time when Jeff comes over. "Oh God! Oh God!"

Stan

[clearly not understanding or ignoring the innuendo] Yes, yes, she's very devout.

Hayley

Wait, I know you! You're the amoral puppet master behind George W. Bush!

Thank you.

Steve

What am I gonna do?!

Hayley

Whatever you want. You know, a pregnant boy still has the right to choose.

Stan

Not in this house he doesn't. We're conservatives! And the one way we don't like to kill things is that way!

Hayley

I know it's crazy, but I like him. He challenges me, and besides, he has a really huge--

Stan

Penis! I mean, Hayley. Dammit! I was trying to cut you off before you said--

Hayley

I was going to say heart but, well, you shined his shoes.

Hayley

Look, Jeff, I have bad news. This is a break-up hike.

Jeff

What? But-but we're so good together.

Hayley

No, we're not. You never challenge me. You just always agree with me.

Jeff

You're right. I so do that.

Jeff

Hayley! Hayley! [Hayley shows up]

Hayley

What do you want, Jeff?

Jeff

I've been drinking all night so I could get up the courage to tell you you're my woman. And I demand you come back.

Hayley

No.

Jeff

Okay. Bye.

Hayley

[to Roger] I promise I'll help you find a safe way to socialize with humans.

Roger

That'd be great, Hayley. I feel so cooped up in this place. It's like a prison, except without the thrill of a daily cavity search. [pauses] Did I say thrill? I meant fear.

Roger

Jack is so wonderful. How many push-ups do you think he can do? 'Cause I think he can do hundred.

Hayley

Roger, do you have a boy crush on my grandfather?

Roger

No, of course not! Why? Did he say something about me?

Steve

How come all the women are dressed like ninjas?

Hayley

They're wearing abayas. Saudi women aren't objectified like women in Western cultures. The beauty myth doesn't exist here.

Stan

It doesn't exist in Idaho either. Why wouldn't we go there? Talk about a bunch of dogs.