Hold it. I haven't had my dessert.
I know what you're going to say. I shouldn't bring treats to the table unless I have enough for everyone. Well we're in luck.
You're sure? There's a surprise in the centre.
Alf, where did you get those?
Melmac. I usually buy wild cherry, but all they had left was slug.
What's the surprise in the centre?
I'll give you a hint. In wild cherry, it was a cherry.
Okay, more for me. You know, it's a lucky thing I found these when I was cleaning out my spaceship. A couple of more months and they would have gone bad.
Oh, they're not that stale.
Roach? Well, I think someone's been slacking off on her housekeeping.
There it goes. Look, it has blue eyes.
Of course it does. It's a roach. Haven't you ever heard the expression, "her eyes were as blue as a roach's"?
Would somebody just squash it!
Wait a minute, Kate. This thing came all the way from Melmac. It's a unique specimen.
We already have a unique specimen from Melmac.
You're comparing me to a cockroach?
I'm going to get the spray.
But, mom, wait. I want to take it to show and tell.
It will be just as interesting dead.
No, no, here's what we should do. We should catch it. I'll build a little box. We'll put a piece of donut right in the middle. Then you guys make sure ALF doesn't get the doughnut before the roach does. Then I'll-[Kate sprays the roach with insecticide]
You mentioned something about a donut?
ALF, we are trying to figure out what to do with the roach.
Look, it's not there anymore.
Maybe you didn't spray it enough.
I'm going to call a donut place that delivers.
Come on everybody. We are going to find that roach.
Calm down? There is a space-roach loose in our house.
Well maybe it went somewhere to die with dignity.
Yeah, alright, ALF, you can order the donuts.
I already did. But that's not why I said, "psst."
What is all this secrecy about?
I didn't want to upset Kate.
What is it that would upset Kate?
I believe a foot-long cockroach would upset Kate. [he points] Ol' blue eyes is back. [he screeches]
Yo, Tanner. You in there?
It's crawling with spiders back there!
Well, can I at least take something to read? Steve Allen's World of Bugs. Great, I've already read it. [he ducks down behind the counter]
I saw the exterminator leave your house in such a hurry, he dropped his tank. Bugs?
Oh, yeah, we have a little cockroach problem.
Ah, yeah, cockroaches. Blattella Germanica, our little prehistoric friend. You know, cockroach fossils have been found that are over 300,000,000 years old.
I'll never forget the cockroach problem we had back in Korea. They were everywhere. Taking a step was like walking on crackers. You get enough of that in your system, forget it. They showed us a movie about it. David Niven was brilliant. Well, I'll see ya. Oh, by the way, I took the liberty of spraying around your house.
Yeah. I noticed the exterminator forgot to do it, so I dosed it up for you. Real good. No charge.
Oh, no! [he rushes from the garage]
Alright, I should take it easy. I mean, the only thing we have to fear is fear itself. Whoever said that must have had a lot of bodyguards. [the cockroach makes some skittering sounds] Be strong, be strong. [two huge feelers pass the kitchen serving window] Be afraid, be very afraid. Listen, you don't want to eat me. I'm pure gristle. My whole family has an aftertaste. If you can hold out, there's doughnuts on the way. [a crashing sound comes from the kitchen] Good idea, put some coffee on. [a feeler and leg appear through the kitchen door and ALF screams as he runs to Willie and Kate's room closing the door behind him] Oh, I should have guessed. It probably likes gristle. Now I feel like a tease. [ALF heads for the phone] Hello, operator? This is an emergency! Give me the fire department or the police or the paramedics. Somebody. I don't care, you decide. Hello? Fire department? Well, I need you to come out here. There's a giant cockroach trying to kill me! Alright then. I'm a cat and I'm stuck in a tree. Whatever it takes. [Willie and Kate's room door crashes down] Operator, make it the paramedics! [ALF screams and runs into the bathroom closing the door behind him] Whoever builds the doors on this planet ought to be horsewhipped. [the roach bashes on the door] Occupied! Alright, the party's over. I've got a .357 and I know how to use it. [ALF studies the toilet] No one's ever told me where these things lead. Nah! [a leg begins to break through the door] Oh, you want to use the bathroom. Is that it? Hey, hey, I know the feeling. [the roach crashes through the door and approaches ALF] You're angry at the world. I understand that. You probably didn't get enough love as a larva. Uh, I've got an idea. We could sit down, talk, have a nice cold glass of boric acid. You know, we could deal with it. What do you think about that? [ALF picks up a drain plunger in defence] Ever see one of these, huh? Take that! [the end of the plunger disappears] I was only kidding. Joke, joke. Yeah. You know what? I've got the number of a good psychiatrist friend of mine. He deals with psychopathic ants and roaches! [ALF picks up a perfume bottle] Here, take this! Now you'll smell good, too. [ALF sprays the roach]
[comes home with the groceries] ALF, ALF, are you okay?
Oh, hi, Willie. Did you get the donuts?
Nothing much. Watched a little TV. Killed a bug.
That's perfume. I bought that for Kate on her last birthday.
You had roach problems then, too?
How did you know to use this?
Well, I analyzed the list of ingredients and based on what I know about the physiology of Melmacian cockroaches.
I can't believe you took this roach on all by yourself. You could have been killed.
When it comes to defending my home, I'm an animal. That's just the way I'm made.
Well, I want to, uh, I want to drag this outside before Kate gets back.
No, don't rough it up. Once they dry out, they get brittle.
What difference does that make?
Are you kidding? I plan to have that guy stuffed and mounted, A.S.A.P. I thought it would look good over the fireplace.
We're getting rid of it! [the telephone rings] Hello? Oh, hi Kate, I was about to call you. I've got some good news about the roach and some bad news about your birthday present.
