[Brian comes home from school, angry]
Hey, B, how was school today?
BrianI failed my science project.
You should've added Alvin and Dave.
Brian
I did.
Brian
That's why I failed. I added them because I believed you, but all my friends laughed at me.
Brian
My teacher won't let my project be in the science carnival. It's all your fault.
Brian
You lied to me. There aren't really 11 planets, are there? [leaves]
Yes, there are. Brian, you're teacher's the one that needs an education. Now I'm mad. I'm mad, I'm mad. [dials the phone] Hello, information? Get me Brian's teacher. Oh, wait a minute. No, get me the Franklin Elementary School. Yes, I know it's cheaper to use a directory but I don't have any thumbs. Well, you should be sorry.
Hold it. I haven't had my dessert.
I know what you're going to say. I shouldn't bring treats to the table unless I have enough for everyone. Well we're in luck.
You're sure? There's a surprise in the centre.
Alf, where did you get those?
Melmac. I usually buy wild cherry, but all they had left was slug.
Brian
What's the surprise in the centre?
I'll give you a hint. In wild cherry, it was a cherry.
Okay, more for me. You know, it's a lucky thing I found these when I was cleaning out my spaceship. A couple of more months and they would have gone bad.
Oh, they're not that stale.
Roach? Well, I think someone's been slacking off on her housekeeping.
Brian
There it goes. Look, it has blue eyes.
Of course it does. It's a roach. Haven't you ever heard the expression, "her eyes were as blue as a roach's"?
Would somebody just squash it!
Wait a minute, Kate. This thing came all the way from Melmac. It's a unique specimen.
We already have a unique specimen from Melmac.
You're comparing me to a cockroach?
I'm going to get the spray.
Brian
But, mom, wait. I want to take it to show and tell.
It will be just as interesting dead.
No, no, here's what we should do. We should catch it. I'll build a little box. We'll put a piece of donut right in the middle. Then you guys make sure ALF doesn't get the doughnut before the roach does. Then I'll-[Kate sprays the roach with insecticide]
You mentioned something about a donut?
ALF, we are trying to figure out what to do with the roach.
Look, it's not there anymore.
Brian
Maybe you didn't spray it enough.
I'm going to call a donut place that delivers.
Come on everybody. We are going to find that roach.
Calm down? There is a space-roach loose in our house.
Well maybe it went somewhere to die with dignity.
Yeah, alright, ALF, you can order the donuts.
I already did. But that's not why I said, "psst."
What is all this secrecy about?
I didn't want to upset Kate.
What is it that would upset Kate?
I believe a foot-long cockroach would upset Kate. [he points] Ol' blue eyes is back. [he screeches]
Well here's your cappuccino.
Where's the grated cheese?
Brian
I'll get it.
[while seeing Willie and Kate come home with groceries] Willie, Kate, I have something to tell you. This time the old ALFers really want something.
What now? 11 records for a penny?
No, this time the ALFer's one stuff for everybody. Pony rides for Bryan. Tennis lessons for Lynn. Dinner and dancing for you two and best of all for the old ALFer a toaster. I guess you didn't hear me. A TOASTER!
Did I mention that the toaster talks.
Oh, ALF, this is just a real estate promotion a free toaster for listening to a sales pitch about to vacation homes.
Brian
You mean no pony rides.
There may be a pony ride, but there's also a 7-hour car ride to get to this place. I'm not driving 7 hours. Sorry, ALF.
Brian
Alfer.
[the doorbell rings]
Let's clear this off. Are you or are you not happy to see me?
Brian
I'm happy, ALF.
I stood away, in Kate's suitcase.
Oh, no. Now, I'll have my hair all over your clothes.
Take it easy, your clothes are hair free and hanging neatly in the closet back home.
What am I suppose to wear here?
Well, I love what you've got on now. Perfect for every occasion.
ALF, we trusted you to stay out of trouble.
I trusted you to get my toaster but I don't see it anywhere let alone hear it but the fact is I felt neglected. I'm a member of this family too you know. I just wanted to be with the people I love. And get that toaster.
[knocking on the door] Hey Tanner, guess what! We have adjoining rooms! Open up!
Brian, quick, you better hide ALF in the bedroom.
Alright, but don't start that slideshow without me.
[answers the phone] Hello? Dad, it's ALF.
Would you tell him to come in here if he wants to talk to me?
Dad said that you're gonna have to come in here if you want to talk to him. He says that's gonna be a problem.
[on the phone at the Ochmoneks] Oh, Willie! Willie! Willie! What have I done?
I don't know, ALF. What have you done?
Did you see Dog Day Afternoon?
GGriswald
[on megaphone] The house is surrounded. Come out with your hands up.
Please hold. Uh, no dice! I'm armed, I'm dangerous and I'm off my medication.
Hey! Hey! The cops have somebody cornered in my house!
As you may have gathered, Willie. I'm in big trouble.
You're always in trouble.
Yeah, but even on the ALF scale this one's a humdinger. I need help.
Long story short, I saw a burglar at the Ochmonek's and scared him away. Now, I'm trapped and I'm scared. Oh, the irony of it all.
Well, can't you make a run for it?
I take it you didn't see the end of Butch Cassidy either.
But you've got to do something, ALF. They might storm the house.
I've got hostages in here! Think that'll hold them? Or should I say that the hostages are nuns?
No nuns. None. [I'm coming over.
Okay, but hurry! I don't think these guys will give you much of a grace period if you catch my drift.
[hangs up the phone] ALF's trapped at the Ochmonek's.
Brian
Me too.
No! You're staying here. It's too dangerous.
Yeah, you might lose your cool when the bullets start flyin'.
Bullets? There'll be bullets?
Jake, that is ridiculous. Willie, be careful.
Oh, uh, I will. By the way, how did Butch Cassidy end?
They were gunned down by the Bolivian army.
Yeah, it was really cool.
[ALF is showing Brian how to play Skleenball]
The game of Skleenball is very simple, Brian. You just sling your anchovies into your opponent's laundry basket. Aw, missed!
Brian
Do we get to eat the anchovies after the game?
No! Does Marvin Haggler eat his trunks after a fight?
[comes in] Okay, who dumped my clean laundry on the floor?
Brian
Well, ALF told me to and then we can play skleenball.
It's not nice to rat on your friends.
ALF A picture's worth a thousand words.
[the picture frame falls down]
That picture was worth a thousand dollars.
Well, maybe the frame makes it look cheap.
[picks up the ripped picture frame] I am tired of your breaking things. If this happens once more, you will be living in the garage.
From now on, I'll treat this house as if it were my own.
Treat it as if it were my house, and don't break anything! [goes inside the kitchen with the ripped picture frame] Cheap frame! [feels the ripped piece from the picture frame] I guess it can be repaired.
[voiceover] Heads up! [he rips another piece on the picture frame and Kate looks at ALF] Oops.
Hi Tanner, who painted your fence? It looks great!
I don't what you're talking about. [walks over to the window] Wow! That looks great.
Oh, it's your birthday present. I hope I didn't ruin the surprise.
No, I was going to look out the window soon, anyway.
That's 6 months away. It ain't your birthday. You just had your fence painted to keep up with the Ochmonek's. Well I'm not gonna tell you where I brought my fluorescent flamingos.
Hey, Kate, great looking breakfast.
Brian
Mom didn't make it.
Brian
Our manservant.
Do me a favor. Don't mention it to Raquel.
Thanks, she went ape when she found out you had a vacuum cleaner. Hey, listen. Have jeeves, give me a jingle. I might want him to paint my flamingos. [he gets a banana and leaves the house]
[as the Professor sets up the TV, the castaways get ready to watch their favorite TV show]
Sit down Professor, we can't see.
I'm adjusting the vertical hold.
Vertical hold? Looks like a coconut to me.
Give me the hat, Skipper.
TATV Announcer
And now it's time for The Adventures of the Tanner Family.
TATV Announcer
Starting Willie Tanner as Dad, Kate Tanner as Mom, Lynn Tanner as their daughter, and Brian Tanner as himself. This week's episode "Brian Takes a Bath".
Oh boy, this is my favorite.
I never had a bath for 23 years.
[on TV] That meatloaf was delicious, mom.
[on TV] Well, I hope you have room for some apple pie.
Apple pie. I haven't had that in 23 years.
That meatloaf sounds so delicious too.
I'd like to have something to eat that didn't fall out of a tree.
Brian
[on TV] Can I have some water, Dad?
[on TV] You can have lots of water, son. You're taking a bath.
How does Willie come up with that stuff?
The great ones make it look so easy.
Why was that funny? These are the most entertaining people in the world and you ask why was it funny.
Besides, they can do things we only dream of. They eat balanced meals.
They change their clothes.
They don't hit each other with hats.
Actually, they are pretty entertaining. Can I watch a little?
Don't you have some dirt to shovel?
I can shovel dirt back home.
You're a castaway now, fuzzy buddy.
I don't want to be a castaway. I thought this place would be fun. Now I realize, it's only fun in half hour chunks.
[on TV] But you wanted to be on Gilligan's Island. That's where the fun never stops. Remember? Remember? Remember?
I was wrong. I wanna go home. I wanna go home. I wanna go home. I wanna go home. [his dreams ends as he begins to wake up while Willie walks up to him] Wanna go home. Wanna go home. Wanna go home. Wanna go home. Wanna go home. Wanna go home.
Oh, Willie! You came all the way out here to rescue me!
It wasn't really all that far, ALF. I was just in the kitchen.
Ooh. Well listen, I was wrong. Adventure isn't on some unchartered desert isle. It's right here in your own backyard. What's left of it?
That's good to hear, ALF. I'll see you later.
Well, don't I get to come with you? What about all that mindless treacle I just oozed?
As treacle goes, it's pretty sweet. Too bad it didn't fill up the hole. Get to work.
[while putting on a costume on Brian for a school play] Hold still, Bri. I don't wanna stick you.
You look great, B. Sort of like the Pope's son.
Brian
I'm in a play at school. I'm Friar Tuck. One of Robin Hood's merry men.
No kidding. We had a Robin Hood on Melmac.
Brian
Did he take from the rich and give to the poor?
No, he just robbed the hoods off people's cars.
Honey, please. ALF, would you leave us alone?
Fine. I'll go bother Lynn. What's all this stuff?
It's a project for my sociology class. I'm putting together our family tree.
Who chopped it down? Was it me, again?
ALF, why don't you make a family tree?
Yeah, it's a fun way to remember your ancestors.
Well, I don't remember much.
My father was always breaking things, and my mother sat around eating all day.
It's amazing you turned out so well.
Thanks. But sometimes I do blow my nose on the wrong towel. [Kate and Lynn stare at ALF] What?
[Willie is listening to ALF's recording]
[on tape] As you now know, I'm not there. I've run away to a place where peace and tranquility allow for the contemplation of life's vicissitudes.
[comes to the living room] Willie, I couldn't find him anywhere.
Well, where could a 3 foot, hairy alien go and not be conspicuous?
Steven Spielberg's house?
[Brian comes to the living room]
Brian
No. But my Friar Tuck costume is gone. Maybe he went to Sherwood Forest.
No, Bri. Sherwood Forest is in England. ALF only took enough food to get to Canada.
Brian
Why'd he run away?
Oh, it's hard to explain, Bri. Y-you'll understand when you're older.
Brian
How old?
Well, older than me. I'm still trying to figure it out.
[arrives home] Nothing. Where could he have gone?
Someplace where peace and tranquility allow for the contemplation of life's vicissitudes.
Well, that's what he said on the tape.
No, no, uh, besides that. Wait a minute, ALF wanted me to send my allowance to a bunch of monks. Listen to this. [reads ALF's note] "Peace and tranquility, life's vicissitudes." It's from the Brothers of the Peaceful Dominion.
That's it! He's joined a monastery.
[Brian dumps all the candy on the table]
Whoa! Yeah! Great haul, Brian!
Brian
Thanks.
I'll guard these. You get back in the house. The party's going to start soon.
Brian
I hate parties. Everyone pats me on the head, and says I'm growing up too fast.
Cut the small talk! Let's divide the loot! Okay, one for you, One for me. One for you. One for me. One for me. One for me.
Brian
[puts knife on the table] Not so fast, me Bucko!
You are growing up too fast! We'll do this right. One for me. One for you.
[ALF is reading a magazine as Kate and Brian come home]
Hey, Kate, guess what I am?
Is it something that begins with "couch", and ends with "potato"?
Cheap shot, Kate-man-du. I'm a type T personality.
Okay ALF, what is a type T personality?
According to this article, a type T is a thrill-seeker. Someone who looks for danger, who laughs in the face of death. [laughs]
This from the same person who watched the movie Aliens from under the couch?
Hey, I thought I owed one of those guys money.
Brian
Am I a type T?
Well, do you enjoy hang gliding off cliffs into rock-filled gorges?
Brian
I don't know.
Well let's find out. What do you say we jump off the roof. You land feet-first, you're a wimp.
Brian
I'll go get the ladder.
No one is jumping off the roof.
Hey Kate, let me know when you let your son act like a man. Ah! Paper cut! Paper cut!
[Willie comes to the garage while ALF is looking at a train model]
Hey Willie? Is this the kind of train you used to hop?
Well, the others were bigger, of course, and they didn't run around in circles. But basically, Yeah.
Well, here's what I'd do, you see. I'd case the yard, I'd hide in a bush and wait until dark and when I saw my train was pulling out, I'd just go make a run for it.
Wow. Well did it ever get so dark, you jumped on the wrong thing? Like a bus or parade?
Ask sensible questions, ALF.
Okay. Which one is the kitchen car?
There wasn't any kitchen car. I sat in a box car. I ate beans out of a can. That's how I got my traveling name.
Wow. What a cool name! Hey can I have your autograph?
[Kate and Brian come to the garage]
Willie, are you sure you don't want to go to my mother's with us?
Brian
If dad doesn't have to go, why do I?
Because you're my son, and I can tell you what to do.
Brian
Well, there you have it.
Oh, it's my autograph. ALF wanted it.
Well we'll be back in a couple hours. Now don't get into any trouble.
Don't worry about Willie. I'll keep an eye on him.
I know. I was being playful.
Now's our chance. Let's go down to the train yard.
No, we're not hopping any train.
I'm not talking about riding the rails. I just want to see them. Please, Willie. Pleeeease?
No, we can't. Really ALF, we can't.
Alright, tell me when this gets annoying. Yeah, yeah, you hopped a freight train, sure. Oh right. Yeah, yeah. I almost believed that. Uh huh, yeah, yeah. Look at Mr. Excitement.
Forget it, ALF. It's not working.
Okay, I'll try something else. Willie, please take me to see the trains. I haven't had an adventure in a long time. All right, maybe this will work. Willie, I'm dying. [coughs] I've only got twenty four hours to live. Twenty five, tops.
I bought the second thing you said.
Oh. Well what was it? I might want to use it again sometime.
Come on. Bring a sweater.
ALF · 397 quotes
