[while teaching Brian karate] After this lesson, You'll never get beat up at school again.
I'm not going to school anymore.
Don't say that. School's important. If you dropout, don't get anywhere in life. You'll hang around the house all day eating and watching TV.
But I want to be like you.
I don't know whether to laugh or cry. Alright, now, the trick here is to concentrate all your energy and let it explode in a blinding flash of destruction. Watch. [does a karate move and hits the board] Hee-yah!
Alright!
Well, that never worked before.
Do it again.
Okay. [does another karate move but his hand doesn't break the board] Hee-yah! I guess there's only pain when you don't break the board. Unbelievable pain.
[comes in the garage] Hey, Brian. You-your mother told me what happened. Are you okay?
Yeah, ALF's teaching me the martial arts.
I don't want you teaching my son to fight, ALF.
Call an ambulance.
I'm serious, ALF.
Oh, and I'm not? I broke my hand.
Wha.. Let me see if that. [looks at ALF's hand] It looks fine.
Thank you, Professor X-ray.
It's fine, ALF.
It's fine. Oh. Hey, that feels good. Could you do my shoulders?
You know, ALF, if you really wanna help, you'd teach him not to fight.
Well, he already knows how to do that. Look at his face.
Excuse me, ALF, I know where of I speak. You see, when I was about Brian's age there was a bully who lived on our block who was always picking on me.
Where of? Sorry. I'm still fascinated by the oddities of the English language.
Anyway, this bully, his name was Clarence...
Oh-ha! Tough neighborhood. [he laughs but he hits his hand again]
Every day, I'd try to stand up to him and every day he'd beat me up. Until finally my father told me to just turn the other cheek.
Is this the same grandfather that talked to corn chips?
He was a wise man. And, see, you know what happened? When I refused to fight Clarence stopped bothering me. You see, it's no fun to pick on someone who won't fight back. So tomorrow, Bobby comes up to you if he starts teasing you. I want you to just walk away, okay?
Okay.
Willie, my hand still hurts. Kiss it? [Willie kisses his hand] Whoa. How continental.
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