Gilligan quotes from ALF

ALF

[wakes up and discovers he's on Gilligan's Island] I must have slept through the night. Hey, where's my shovel? Where's my house?

Gilligan

Skipper, Skipper, can I fish too?

ALF

It's Gilligan, the Skipper, too.

Shhhh! Gilligan, you scare the fish. Owww!

Gilligan

Shhhh! You scare the fish.

ALF

I'm here on Gilligan's isle!

ALF

Gilligan's Island. I'm in rerun heaven.

Gilligan

Bet I catch a big one.

[hat flies off] Gilligan!

Gilligan

Skipper, what happened to your hat?

You're using it for bait.

Gilligan

I'll get it back to you, Skipper, don't worry. [puts on Skipper's hat for him and water comes out]

Gilligan! You idiot!

ALF

[laughs] You guys are hilarious. Encore, encore, ya!

Who are you?

ALF

I'm ALF, your biggest fan. I worship the sand you walk on. [walks off]

Where did you come from?

ALF

Melmac.

Gilligan

Melmac, is that anywhere near Bora Bora?

ALF

Ha! You guys never stop. Hey, where are the others?

What others?

ALF

You know.

Hey, wait a minute. How do you know about all of us?

Gilligan

Hey, wait a minute. How do you know about all of us?

I just said that, Gilligan.

Gilligan

I thought it sounded familiar. [hat thump]

ALF

[laughs] Oh I never get tired of that. [laughs]

Gilligan

I get tired of it.

Mary Ann

[arrives] Gilligan! Skipper! Oh, lunch is ready. I see we have another visitor.

ALF

It's Mary Ann. And lunch. 2 of my favorite things.

Gilligan

Mary Ann this is ALF. He's from Melmac.

Mary Ann

How come everybody can get to this island and none of us can ever get off?

Gilligan

Really? I must have overlooked the pattern. [gets hit by Skipper's hat]

Let's eat. Come on, ALF!

ALF

Lunch with the castaways! Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy!

ALF

Mary Ann, did you make one of your famous coconut cream pies?

Mary Ann

No. They won't let me make them anymore.

You see I noticed our blood sugar levels were getting dangerously high. Plus the fact we were sick to death of them.

Mary Ann

You never told me that.

I was remiss.

Mary Ann

Anyway, today we're having mangoes.

ALF

Wow. Mangoes.

Gilligan

We're sick of mangoes too.

Well I like mangoes. I'm just sick of making dental floss for you people.

ALF

I get the feeling you people aren't happy.

Mary Ann

We're not. We're bored. Do you know we've been doing the same thing day in and day out for 23 years?

Gilligan

Yeah. How would you like to listen to the Skipper's boring old navy stories over and over and over?

I thought you liked my navy stories. I was a good sailor.

Oh we're all familiar with your nautical record, Skipper. You're ah, o and one, I believe.

You see. You have one little shipwreck and they never let you forget it!

ALF

Well you guys should be grateful. You're here on Gilligan's Island.

Are you kidding? Why, we'd be out of here in a minute if smarty-pants over here could figure out a way for us to get off this rock!

Don't blame me! Every time I devise a plan, it's ruined by that hebetudinous sidekick of yours!

ALF

"Hebetudinous"?

Addlepated!

ALF

Oh.

Why you can't call my little buddy addlepated.

Gilligan

Will you stop calling me little buddy? I'm in my 40s, for crying out loud!

ALF

Stop it! You people are supposed to be funny and friendly and, and wacky!

Mary Ann

This is our island. You can't tell us when to be wacky.

Yeah. Who died and made you King Kamayamaya?

ALF

I know something that'll keep you from fighting, let's re-enact the time when the headhunter came to the island. I'll be the headhunter, and Gilligan can be Gilligan.

I've got a better idea. Let's re-enact the time that ALF came to the island to help us dig. You be ALF, and start digging.

ALF

I'm not going to dig! I refuse to dig! I won't dig! I won't! I won't, I won't, I won't!

ALF

What am I digging here?

Mary Ann

You're filling in the lagoon.

Yeah we're going to build a miniature golf course.

And we're not going to let the Howells play on it.

Gilligan

Shall I go get your clubs Skipper?

No Gilligan. It's not ready yet. [hat thump] It'll take a couple of months.

Mary Ann

Come on. Let the furry little guy work. It's almost time for our favorite TV show.

ALF

You have a TV?

Oh yeah. I rigged one up using some bamboo, a couple of coconut shells and a 19 inch picture tube that washed up on the shore. I even built a VCR.

Mary Ann

Yeah. But all our tapes are beta. [she waves goodbye to ALF]

ALF

Hey Gilligan, digging's really fun. You want to do some?

Gilligan

[satisfied] Forget it.

ALF

Even Gilligan won't fall for it.

Gilligan

[offscreen; hat thump] What was that for?

[offscreen] I just felt like it. Nyah ha ha.

ALF

I wonder if the Howells need a 4th for golf.

Mary Ann

Sit down Professor, we can't see.

I'm adjusting the vertical hold.

Gilligan

Vertical hold? Looks like a coconut to me.

Give me the hat, Skipper.

And now it's time for The Adventures of the Tanner Family.

ALF

Tanner family?

Starting Willie Tanner as Dad, Kate Tanner as Mom, Lynn Tanner as their daughter, and Brian Tanner as himself. This week's episode "Brian Takes a Bath".

Gilligan

Oh boy, this is my favorite.

I never had a bath for 23 years.

We know.

Lynn

[on TV] That meatloaf was delicious, mom.

Kate

[on TV] Well, I hope you have room for some apple pie.

Oh!

Apple pie. I haven't had that in 23 years.

That meatloaf sounds so delicious too.

Gilligan

I'd like to have something to eat that didn't fall out of a tree.

Brian

[on TV] Can I have some water, Dad?

Willie

[on TV] You can have lots of water, son. You're taking a bath.

How does Willie come up with that stuff?

Gilligan

The great ones make it look so easy.

ALF

Why was that funny?

Why was that funny? These are the most entertaining people in the world and you ask why was it funny.

Mary Ann

Besides, they can do things we only dream of. They eat balanced meals.

They change their clothes.

Gilligan

They don't hit each other with hats.

ALF

Actually, they are pretty entertaining. Can I watch a little?

Don't you have some dirt to shovel?

ALF

I can shovel dirt back home.

Mary Ann

You are home.

Gilligan

You're a castaway now, fuzzy buddy.

Forever.

ALF

I don't want to be a castaway. I thought this place would be fun. Now I realize, it's only fun in half hour chunks.

Willie

[on TV] But you wanted to be on Gilligan's Island. That's where the fun never stops. Remember? Remember? Remember?

ALF

I was wrong. I wanna go home. I wanna go home. I wanna go home. I wanna go home. [his dreams ends as he begins to wake up while Willie walks up to him] Wanna go home. Wanna go home. Wanna go home. Wanna go home. Wanna go home. Wanna go home.

Willie

ALF. Wake up. Hey.

ALF

Oh, Willie! You came all the way out here to rescue me!

Willie

It wasn't really all that far, ALF. I was just in the kitchen.

ALF

Ooh. Well listen, I was wrong. Adventure isn't on some unchartered desert isle. It's right here in your own backyard. What's left of it?

Willie

That's good to hear, ALF. I'll see you later.

ALF

Well, don't I get to come with you? What about all that mindless treacle I just oozed?

Willie

As treacle goes, it's pretty sweet. Too bad it didn't fill up the hole. Get to work.

ALF

I hate this place.