[ALF is having a hangout with the Castaways]
Mary Ann, did you make one of your famous coconut cream pies?
No. They won't let me make them anymore.
PProfessor
You see I noticed our blood sugar levels were getting dangerously high. Plus the fact we were sick to death of them.
Anyway, today we're having mangoes.
We're sick of mangoes too.
PProfessor
Well I like mangoes. I'm just sick of making dental floss for you people.
I get the feeling you people aren't happy.
We're not. We're bored. Do you know we've been doing the same thing day in and day out for 23 years?
Yeah. How would you like to listen to the Skipper's boring old navy stories over and over and over?
I thought you liked my navy stories. I was a good sailor.
PProfessor
Oh we're all familiar with your nautical record, Skipper. You're ah, o and one, I believe.
You see. You have one little shipwreck and they never let you forget it!
Well you guys should be grateful. You're here on Gilligan's Island.
Are you kidding? Why, we'd be out of here in a minute if smarty-pants over here could figure out a way for us to get off this rock!
PProfessor
Don't blame me! Every time I devise a plan, it's ruined by that hebetudinous sidekick of yours!
Why you can't call my little buddy addlepated.
Will you stop calling me little buddy? I'm in my 40s, for crying out loud!
Stop it! You people are supposed to be funny and friendly and, and wacky!
This is our island. You can't tell us when to be wacky.
PProfessor
Yeah. Who died and made you King Kamayamaya?
I know something that'll keep you from fighting, let's re-enact the time when the headhunter came to the island. I'll be the headhunter, and Gilligan can be Gilligan.
I've got a better idea. Let's re-enact the time that ALF came to the island to help us dig. You be ALF, and start digging.
I'm not going to dig! I refuse to dig! I won't dig! I won't! I won't, I won't, I won't!
[the castaways sent ALF digging]
You're filling in the lagoon.
PProfessor
Yeah we're going to build a miniature golf course.
And we're not going to let the Howells play on it.
Shall I go get your clubs Skipper?
No Gilligan. It's not ready yet. [hat thump] It'll take a couple of months.
Come on. Let the furry little guy work. It's almost time for our favorite TV show.
PProfessor
Oh yeah. I rigged one up using some bamboo, a couple of coconut shells and a 19 inch picture tube that washed up on the shore. I even built a VCR.
Yeah. But all our tapes are beta. [she waves goodbye to ALF]
Hey Gilligan, digging's really fun. You want to do some?
Even Gilligan won't fall for it.
[offscreen; hat thump] What was that for?
[offscreen] I just felt like it. Nyah ha ha.
I wonder if the Howells need a 4th for golf.
[as the Professor sets up the TV, the castaways get ready to watch their favorite TV show]
Sit down Professor, we can't see.
PProfessor
I'm adjusting the vertical hold.
Vertical hold? Looks like a coconut to me.
PProfessor
Give me the hat, Skipper.
TATV Announcer
And now it's time for The Adventures of the Tanner Family.
TATV Announcer
Starting Willie Tanner as Dad, Kate Tanner as Mom, Lynn Tanner as their daughter, and Brian Tanner as himself. This week's episode "Brian Takes a Bath".
Oh boy, this is my favorite.
I never had a bath for 23 years.
[on TV] That meatloaf was delicious, mom.
[on TV] Well, I hope you have room for some apple pie.
PProfessor
Apple pie. I haven't had that in 23 years.
That meatloaf sounds so delicious too.
I'd like to have something to eat that didn't fall out of a tree.
[on TV] Can I have some water, Dad?
[on TV] You can have lots of water, son. You're taking a bath.
How does Willie come up with that stuff?
The great ones make it look so easy.
PProfessor
Why was that funny? These are the most entertaining people in the world and you ask why was it funny.
Besides, they can do things we only dream of. They eat balanced meals.
PProfessor
They change their clothes.
They don't hit each other with hats.
Actually, they are pretty entertaining. Can I watch a little?
Don't you have some dirt to shovel?
I can shovel dirt back home.
You're a castaway now, fuzzy buddy.
I don't want to be a castaway. I thought this place would be fun. Now I realize, it's only fun in half hour chunks.
[on TV] But you wanted to be on Gilligan's Island. That's where the fun never stops. Remember? Remember? Remember?
I was wrong. I wanna go home. I wanna go home. I wanna go home. I wanna go home. [his dreams ends as he begins to wake up while Willie walks up to him] Wanna go home. Wanna go home. Wanna go home. Wanna go home. Wanna go home. Wanna go home.
Oh, Willie! You came all the way out here to rescue me!
It wasn't really all that far, ALF. I was just in the kitchen.
Ooh. Well listen, I was wrong. Adventure isn't on some unchartered desert isle. It's right here in your own backyard. What's left of it?
That's good to hear, ALF. I'll see you later.
Well, don't I get to come with you? What about all that mindless treacle I just oozed?
As treacle goes, it's pretty sweet. Too bad it didn't fill up the hole. Get to work.
ALF · 397 quotes
