[the Tanners leave the trailer but they ended up staying in the trailer as a thunder booms]
Chutes and Ladders anyone?
I'll set up the barbecue, anybody hungry?
You're not going out there?
I'll cook under the awning.
Need some help bobbing for firewood?
One more word out of you, and you're not eating with us.
Right. Let the alien starve.
I think the alien could skip a meal. It might be a new experience for you! [pause] How would you like your hamburger?
Medium rare. Hold the lightning.
How would you like to be 50% hair?
You know, you're a different person when you're on vacation.
I'm just trying to make this vacation fun.
By trying to keep a positive attitude! You might do that yourself. INSTEAD OF COMPLAINING ALL THE TIME!
Well, not everyone enjoys spending their vacation in a rainforest!
We're in this rainforest because of you!
You're not voting in this.
Call the newspapers! Democracy is dead!
You wanna to go home, go! No one's stopping him!
You want me to go? I'll go!
Fine, I'm going. [he leaves but Brian stops him]
BrianALF, don't!
Sorry, Brian. I have my pride.
Come on, ALF! You're not really going.
I'm out of here. I'm history! [opens a door when a thunder booms] I'm going to die! [leaves]
[at the end, the family opens their presents on Christmas Day]
This is great Brian, it's forgiving eye exams. Right, Brian?
Brian
No, you look into it and push the button.
It's Sylvester & Tweety! Ha! Die cat! Die! Yeah!
Yeah and we ended up with a really beautiful tree.
It should be. It cost me $367 what with the fine I'm towing.
Brian
Who are these presents for?:
Oh, I almost forgot, a few tokens from the old ALFer.
Well, you got us presents? ALF, you can't shop. This is America, Kate. Everybody can shop. I use the catalog.
Thanks ALF. Look a staple gun.
Brian
Me a reef blower.
Goodness, a rotary sander for me.
It is the thought that counts.
And the important thing is we're all together. Inthe words of the immortal St. Frosty the Snowman. God bless us all everyone.
[Brian uses a reef blower to blow away the opened Christmas wrappers as the episode ends]
[Kate gets ready to let her mom Dorothy go inside the house]
Mom! It's so good to see you! [closes the door] It's my mother!
Not your grandma, it's Lynn and Brian's grandma. [takes the stuff away from ALF]
What brings her out this way?
ALF! The kitchen! The kitchen! Now!
All right, Willie grab the pasta maker. [leaves]
[she and Brian come in the living room] Who's at the door?
Brian
Where is she?
They're making her stand outside.
[Kate opens the door to let her mom in after ALF goes inside the kitchen]
[ALF is pounding nails on the sign in the door]
Say, why are you pounding nails in our front door?
To keep the sign from falling. Don't you know anything about gravity?
Thanks for offering, but the job's already done. [Willie takes the hammer away from ALF]
[she and Brian come to the living room] Morning. Morning, dad.
Have you practiced the poem?
But nothing. Let's hear it.
LBLynn and Brian
Goodbye, Grandma. Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye. Goodbye, Grandma. Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye.
Maybe another "goodbye" in there.
[comes out of the kitchen with a so long bag] What's this stuff in this bag?
I prepared a little flight kit. Nothing special, just a few travel necessities. I emphasize the word "travel."
[looks inside the bag] Magazines, Kleenex, breath mints, antacids, and moist towelettes.
If she stops for anything, she might miss her plane.
How very thoughtful of you.
And, of course, the bag will come in handy in case of turbulence. Or if they show Howard the duck.
[walks up to the Tanners] Guess what! I'm not leaving.
ALF, don't be rude. [pause] Why not, Dorothy?
I could just kill Estelle. She's decided to spend a few more days with her daughter. Now, where does that leave me and all my plans? Honestly, I hate doing this. But, well, I'm gonna have to stay here a little while longer.
You know, there's a nice motel down the street. [Dorothy and the Tanners stare at him] Just a thought.
ALF is an insurance agent.
Brian
You got a job?
No! Dad, ALF took a bad fall in the hot tub and we think he lost his memory.
Oh no! But we don't have a hot tub.
Well, that's a good thing Willie, we don't cover hot tubs. It is Willie, isn't it?
[Luis enters the Tanner's house and meets with the Tanner family]
Everybody, this is Luis Mancia. Luis, this is everybody. This is Kate, uh- This is Señorita Tanner, This is-
He saw your picture. Your school picture on my desk.
You know I hate that picture. I wish you wouldn't show it to people.
What's the matter with it?
I look like the village idiot.
Honey, you don't look anything like the village idiot.
People, people. Luis, this is Brian.
Brian
Hi!
Luis, it's good to have you here.
Luis is going to stay here tonight.
Brian
Great, he can have my room, and I'll sleep in the laundry room with-
Brian
A-L-F.
I think the couch will be fine. I think A-L-F can sleep in the garage.
Brian, why don't you show Luis Where he can wash up for dinner.
Brian
Okay. C'mon, Luis. [he leaves the living room with Luis]
Just try it again. This time I'll get it.
Brian
Okay, tell me what I'm thinking.
Okay. You're thinking of the 1927 Yankees.
Brian
I'm still thinking of a fork.
But didn't one of their pitchers throw a fork ball?
Brian
I don't know.
Oh, we're okay. Don't get up.
Brian
Guess what, Alf can read our minds.
He's not reading mine at the moment.
Yes, I am. I'm just ignoring you.
How to develop your psychic awareness in one afternoon.
Brian
We sent away for it.
Yeah. Came with a pair of these x-ray glasses.
You wasted good money on a mind reading kit?
We'll make it all back with our stock market picks.
ALF. You come from an advanced civilisation. How can you be so gullible?
You're right. I'm ashamed. Nice underwear Kate.
Oh good, everyone's here. Where's Kate?
Thanks! [exits the living room]
He might! [Kate screams from the shower] He did.
[reappears in the living room] Found her!
ALF, you don't walk into other people's showers.
I didn't walk in. I just pulled the curtain open.
I insist that you respect my wife's privacy.
Alright, alright. We're movin' on. I need to have a family meeting here. [hangs up the phone that Lynn is using]
[angrily] You do that again, you're a seat cover!
ALF, that was very rude hanging up the phone like that.
You're right. I'm sorry. You look a little different today.
Did you used to have a moustache?
Yeah but didn't you used to have a moustache too?
ALF, what do have to say that's so important?
You better not be finished.
I wasn't. Tomorrow is the 2nd.
Hey wait, wait. Come here. Come back here. Every 75 years on March 2nd, I go through a complex physiological and psychological transformation.
Brian
What?
I go goofy. All Melmacians go through it. From sunrise to sunset my personality will change dramatically.
How dramatic is this change?
One never knows till it happens. But expect the unexpected. Wildly erratic behavior, personality shifts. The main thing is that I'll do anything to get out of that cage and get my hands on a cat. Any questions?
Oh, ah, the cage you're going to build for me. The one with the reinforced sides.
[the Tanners prepared a cage for ALF]
Well, I guess it's that time.
Brian
Good luck ALF.
Thanks Brian. Now remember Willie, you are not, I repeat not to let me out of here under any circumstances. Is that clear?
Good. [he enters the cage] Good, now let me out. I have to use the little aliens room.
What are you doing!? Are you crazy? Didn't I say not to open this door under any circumstances?
Well I thought, I thought you really had to go.
You have a lunatic on your hands here. You got to be prepared for all kinds of diabolical tricks.
You know, maybe I should go, just to be on the safe side.
Good. You're finally catching on. Now, now let me out I have to go.
[ALF howls]
That's just another one of his tricks.
Help! Help! Fire! Somebody let me out.
Ohh, there's a big rat in here.
[in Lynn's voice] Mom, Dad, get me out of here.
Lynn, that sounded just like you.
Brian
Wow, he's really good.
Excuse me but this is really weird. I can't watch.
[in Brian's voice] Wait for me. Wait for me.
Brian
Did I say that?
Oh Brian, you better go to your room too. This could get out of hand.
[in Willie's voice] This could get out of hand! This could get out of hand!
It's going to be a long night.
[Brian gets up in the middle of the night while ALF is inside a cage]
Yo, B, Brian. Where are you going?
Brian
To get some milk.
Oh yeah, that would sure hit the spot. Hey, come here.
Brian
I'm not supposed to talk to you.
Not talk to your old buddy? You don't have to be afraid. It's over. I'm back to my old self. Come on, let me out.
Brian
You said not until sunrise.
Brian, it's me. The old Alfer. The guy who taught you how to read minds. In fact, I know what you're thinking right now.
Brian
What?
That you want to let your old pal out of this cage. Right?
Brian
No. I was thinking of a fork. [ALF imitates a clock buzzer] What's that?
Oh it's my alarm. It's sunrise. You can let me out now.
Brian
But it's still dark.
Not on Melmac. See that's the time we go by. So I made it. Open up.
Brian
Are you sure?
I'm sure. I'm sure. Open up. I'm hungry.
Brian
Okay
Phew. Thanks. Oh hey, would you check in that cage. I left my hash brown bucket in there. [Brian enters the cage and he locks him inside and laughs]
Brian
ALF, why are you locking me in this cage.
Sorry kid, I need a head start. Save me some hash browns. Here kitty, kitty, kitty.
[Brian is locked inside the cage by ALF in the middle of the night]
Brian
[inside the cage] Mom! Dad! Mom! Dad! Let me out!
Oh boy, he does a good Brian.
You'd hardly know it was ALF.
Brian
[inside the cage] It's me, it's really me!
Honey, maybe it is Brian.
But that can't be. Brian's in bed.
Brian
What?!!
Brian
What?!!
Honey, honey, it looks just like Brian.
Maybe ALF can change his shape, too.
Brian
[inside the cage] No he can't. It's me.
Alright, alright. If you're really Brian what's your favorite food?
Brian
Spaghetti.
No, no, no, that is his favourite food.
I thought it was Lynn liked spaghetti.
Say, what's your favourite food?
I don't know. White boiled potatoes.
I thought you liked spaghetti.
Willie! Willie, I'm going to open this cage.
No wait. What's your mother's maiden name?
Brian
What's a maiden name?
Well, you know it's the name she had before she was married.
Brian
Kate.
No, her other name. Her last name.
Brian
Halligan.
Brian
I let him go.
Brian
He told me the change was over. I'm really sorry.
Oh, honey, it's alright. But what were you doing up in the middle of the night?
Brian
I thought I wanted some milk. Maybe it was ALF was trying to call me in my mind.
No, I don't think so, Brian.
The gate to the Ochmoneks' is wide open.
Oh, no. Lucky's over there. I'm going to go next door and see if ALF is there. You stay here in case he comes back.
Oh, well, you'd both better go back to bed.
Brian
I'm hungry.
Alright, alright, we'll stay up and have a snack. What would you like?
LBLynn and Brian
Spaghetti. White boiled potatoes.
[ALF wakes up and screams in the middle of the night when he pulls up the curtain to find Trevor scaring him]
Whoa. It was only a dream. I've gotta stop eating Styrofoam before I go to bed. [he screams again when he finds Trevor standing next to him until the Tanners come]
ALF! ALF, are you alright?
Hey, watch the shoulders! I've got bursitis.
ALF, what were you screaming about?
It was horrible. Trevor was after me.
Brian
I don't see Mr. Ochmonek.
Well, he was here a minute ago. Check behind the refrigerator.
Brian, ALF was just having a nightmare.
That is exactly what happens to people who stare into other people's windows.
Isn't he wonderful? The guy can turn anything into an object lesson.
Would you like us to stay with you for a little while?
Come on, Brian. ALF, try to get some sleep.
I can't. I'm too wound up. I've been through a trauma.
Come on, Lynnie, let's go to bed. Good night, ALF.
[voiceover] Good night, ALF.
[Kate and Lynn leave the kitchen]
Okay, don't fall asleep. Don't fall asleep. Don't fall asleep. Ignore that. Ignore that. Oh, heck, why must I be so darn curious? [he pulls up the blinds and finds Trevor digging a hole outside in the middle of the night] Alas, poor Mrs. Ochmonek, I knew her well.
Alright, everyone. We just got a few minutes now before the last rehearsal. So Brian, why don't you and I run over the song before Spencer gets here?
Brian
I stink. Spencer says so.
What do you care what Spencer says?
Brian
Because he laughs at me and makes me forget the words. I don't like him. He's mean.
Brian, that's not really. That's not fair. I'm sure Spencer has some very fine qualities.
That's not what you said last night.
Well, maybe an unkind word slipped in here or there.
Willie, you said the kid was fungus.
I did not. And even if I did, that's not the point.
The point is moot. The little fungus is here now.
Yeah, I know. 86 the alien.
Let's go to my room. [walks away]
Forgotten. Why would anyone throw away the head?
Brian
Yeah.
So, what's the problem? It's that Spencer guy, isn't it? Well, let me tell you a little story about a guy who had the same problem you did. A guy named Gordon.
Brian
Who's he?
Someone I grew up with on Melmac. Nice kid. Handsome, intelligent, great athlete, wonderful sense of humor.
Brian
It was you, wasn't it?
How'd you guess? Anyway, I was doing a little dinner-
Brian
Your name's really Gordon?
Brian
That's funny.
It's my mother's maiden name, alright?
Brian
Sorry.
Anyway, back on Melmac. I was in a little dinner theater production of Man of La Mancha. I was playing Sancho Panza. It was opening night. There was a full house. I was about to sing my 1st number, when suddenly I froze. I was like this, yeah!
Brian
Your name is really Gordon?
Just go with me on this, okay? I'm up there, I'm frozen, I can't remember my opening number. The audience was getting hostile. They were ready to start throwing bread sticks at me, when the guy who played Don Quixote pulled me aside, and gave me this good luck charm.
Brian
A tooth?
Yeah. His 124 year molar.
Brian
Did it bring you good luck?
You bet. I got through my song, plus The Impossible Dream and every other song in the show. For an encore, I even did a couple of numbers from Gypsy.
Brian
Yeah, but will it work on asparagus songs?
Brian
Don Quixote says the tooth works on vegetables too.
[the car honks]
Look, just stick that in your back pocket, and you'll go out there and knock them dead.
Brian
Great. I will! Thanks, Gordon.
Don't worry, kid. You'll be swell. [Brian leaves the house] Oh no! Brian!
Mom, since when do you bet on horses?
That's funny, I can't picture you at a racetrack.
I can picture her running! [laughs]
I wonder how long it would take to pull all the hair out of your body.
Mom, how come you never took me to a race track?
I never go to a race track. You meet an unsavory element there. I bet with a bookie.
Ah! They're not unsavory.
Forgive my ignorance, but what's a bookie?
Nick the Fish is not unsavory.
Brian
You bet with a fish?
[comes out from the kitchen] Hi Dorothy.
Willie, did you know my mother bets on horses?
So, how much did you win grandma?
Say, that's even better than last week.
Well, that's fine mom, but I mean what if you had lost?
But it's all our inheritance.
For your information, I'm planning to leave all my money to the Alien Task Force.
Sure, punish your grandchildren.
Come on, mom, let's take this stuff in the kitchen and tag it.
I'll give you a hand with these old clothes.
Yeah, I've got flyers to make.
Well, I might as well make myself useful.
Hold on Dorothy! Can you make a lot of money with this horse-racing thing only?
No problem, put me in for 50 bucks.
Where did you get 50 bucks? Have you been going through my purse again?
Yes, but that's not where I got the money. By the way you're out of Tic Tacs.
Where did you get the 50 bucks?
Rebate coupons. Anyway, if you'll just slip 50 to Mr. Fisch.
No thanks, I just brushed.
His name is Nick Mintz. And I'm not gonna place any bets for you!
I'm not doing this for me!
No, you're raising money for charity.
Oh excellent comeback Dorothy. You must know, it's for a balloon payment. Which by the way has nothing to do with a balloon.
Well I don't care what it has to do with. I am still not gonna place any bets for you. And it was a dynamite comeback.
Once again, left to my own devices.
ALF · 397 quotes
