[ALF refuses to leave the Tanners]
You wanted to say goodbye. I think you should say it now.
I changed my mind. I'm not leaving! And you can't make me! [Bob snaps his fingers back to heaven] I stand corrected.
Well, have it your way. It's a mere formality, anyway.
Well, forget it. I'm not going. I know my rights. Get me a lawyer.
This is heaven. There are no lawyers here.
Prepare to enter your new life.
No! No! Wait! Wait! This whole thing is a mistake.
The deal is off! The deal is off! The deal is off! [he wakes up from his dream to find that he had simply been unconscious for the past few hours] The deal is off! The deal is off.
[walks up to ALF] ALF. ALF! Can, can you hear me?
Auntie Em? Auntie Em? Is that you? Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.
It's Kate. It's Kate. Are you alright?
Well, I think so. Aah! Ow!
Oh, Brian, Kate, Kate, Lynn! Willie! Willie, I'm back! Bob sent me back!
LynnWho's Bob?
My guardian angel. See, I wished I never crashed into your garage. So, Bob took me away from you. And Willie smoked a pipe.
ALF, you were just dreaming.
We found you in the backyard. You were unconscious. You were sucking muck.
Lynn
Yeah, you must have knocked yourself out with the croquet mallet.
I'm sorry I yelled at you, ALF. We were really worried. We thought you might have.
Well, you know I kicked the bucket?
Lynn
ALF, I couldn't imagine what life would be like without you.
Believe me, you don't want to know. By the way, do we have a pool?
Lynn
No.
It doesn't matter. I'm home now. The Maserati's probably not happening either, right?
Are you sure you're alright?
Hey, what could be wrong? I'm here with my Tanners. Everything's back to normal, just the way I like it. A gift for you, Willie, from the bottom of my heart. [glass shattering] Don't thank me.
Ooh, ham and eggs! Thanks, Kate.
Oh, no, ALF, these are for everyone.
Lynn
Actually, I'm in the mood for oatmeal.
I think I'm gonna get something at work.
I'm gonna have to change my shirt.
[as he hears a knock on the door] Who is it?
[from outside] It's me Jake.
Lynn
Joy. That's twice my appetite's been killed.
Hey, morning, Jake kiboody. What brings you over?
Aunt Raquel and uncle Trevor have been fighting again.
What was it about this time? Allow me. Raquel thinks Trevor's a slob, That he doesn't appreciate her, and some other female paranoia nonsense. [the Tanners glare at him] Hey, you crawl under people's houses, you hear things.
Hey Jake. Would you like to join us for breakfast?
[from outside] Hey, Tanners, it's me!
Oh, great. Pig outus interruptus.
Oh, come on in, Trevor. Well, what's up?
Eh, nothing much, and even if there was, I'm not the kind of guy that would burden you with my problems. Raquel just threw me out.
Lynn
We know.
Somehow she got the ridiculous idea that she doesn't love me anymore.
So, are you, uh, looking for a place to stay, Trevor? [ALF hits him with a fork] Ow! Leg cramp.
I don't know where I'm gonna stay. Do you know anybody that would kindly put me up for the night?
Well. [ALF hits him with a fork again] Ow!
[she kicks ALF from under the table] You can stay here, Trevor.
Oh, well, thanks. I'll be right back. Come on, Jake. Help me pick my clothes off the lawn.
[after he gets up from under the table] Where does that freeloading sloth get off crashing our party?
I don't know, ALF. Why don't you have a sloth-to-sloth talk with him?
Lynn
[she heads in the house after her date ended] ALF, you scared me. What are you doing?
What am I doing? What are you doing? What happened to Randy?
Lynn
That wasn't Randy, that was someone else.
Yeah. Someone who looks like a certain aging substitute novelist. Who shall remain last-nameless.
Lynn
Ok, so it was Eddie. He just happened to be at the party, see--
Yeah, yeah, and I just fell off the garbanzo truck. Come on. This is the old ALFer. What gives?
Lynn
Okay, I haven't really been dating Randy. I've only been tutoring him for an hour in English each night and then going to meet Eddie.
An hour a night? That's barely enough time for Randy to turn his book right side up.
Lynn
ALF, please, don't tell mom and dad about this yet, ok? I know they'll like Eddie.
They just need some time to adjust. Don't tell them? You want me to lie?
Lynn
No! No, you don't have to lie. Just don't bring it up. That's not lying.
Lynn
It's not like I'm never going to tell them. I just, I need to wait for the right moment. You know, like when they're in a really, really good mood.
Yeah, well, let me know when that happens. And I'll tell them about the untimely demise of Kate's porcelain ballerina.
Lynn
You broke mom's porcelain ballerina?
Yeah. We were dancing the pas de duex from swan lake, and I dropped her in the toilet.
[dressed as bellhop and goes to Lynn's room] Miss Lynn Tanner. Paging Miss Lynn Tanner.
Lynn
Go away.
I've just gotta get a message to ya.
Lynn
I don't want any messages from you.
It's not from me. I'm just the bellhop. [Lynn opens the door] It's from a friend of yours. It's not what you think. I'm really not a fink. You're the last person I'd hurt. I didn't mean to blurt, it out.
Lynn
I've got a message for my so-called friend. Friends don't rat on friends!
Lynn
[comes in] Yes, father? Hello, mother.
Lynn, I want you to speak to ALF.
Lynn
ALF who?
Speak to him or have your telephone privileges taken away.
Lynn
You want me to speak to him? Fine, I'll speak to him. Have you told mom yet that you broke her ballerina?
That was supposed to be a secret.
My wedding present porcelain ballerina?
Lynn
Well, you told my secret first.
But that just slipped out.
My original, one of a kind, impossible to duplicate [angrily] PORCELAIN BALLERINA?
Do you know how silly the word "ballerina" sounds when you say it over and over? Ballerina, ballerina, ballerina.
Alright, everyone, stop, cease, desist. I want you to apologize to each other, and I want you to put all of this behind us. Fine. Lynn, go to your room. You, go to the garage.
Lynn
Fine. [leaves]
Kate, I'm sorry I broke your wedding present. I was going to tell you.
I was waiting to see if the marriage would last.
[Brian angrily comes in Lynn's room]
Lynn
Don't just barge in here! Knock when you come into my room!
[yelling] ALF'S LEAVING BECAUSE OF YOU!
Lynn
What are you talking about? He can't leave.
He's fixing his spaceship right now.
Lynn
Don't be such a baby. He's always saying he can't fix that ship.
[yelling] YOU'RE THE BABY! YOU WON'T EVEN TALK TO HIM! WHY DON'T YOU GROW UP?
Lynn
Brian, wait. [Brian angrily leaves Lynn's room] Don't cry.
Can I have Willie's meatloaf, Kate?
Fine. If Willie isn't home by midnight, then can I have his meatloaf?
[Willie comes in]
Lynn
Hi, dad.
Can I have your meatloaf?
Lynn
No.
How was the union meeting?
Well, they elected me picket captain. What does that tell you?
Lynn
Oh, you're going on strike?
I'm afraid so. Just the thought of it gives me a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.
Then meatloaf would only make you more queasy. [he was about to grab it but Willie takes his meatloaf away from him]
[Willie is preparing dinner for the family]
Mmm, Brian, w-would you hand me the garlic press?
What's a garlic press look like?
Well, it-it's right there next to the garlic.
What's a garlic look like?
Haven't you ever helped your mom in the kitchen?
Sure, I say, "Mom, it's burning." And she says, "Thanks, Bri."
I promise not to burn the pasta primavera.
Pasta primavera? I thought we were having spaghetti.
It is spaghetti. It's spaghetti with broccoli and peas and zucchini and a light tomato cream sauce.
Well, I like the sauce that Kate opens. How come there's weeds in this salad?
They aren't weeds. That's radicchio.
The whole idea of you cooking is radicchio.
Lynn
[comes home from school] Hi, everybody.
Oh, hi, honey. You're-you're kinda late getting home.
Lynn
Yeah, Julie and I stayed after school to protest cheerleading tryouts.
Well, why would you do that?
Lynn
I was protesting because I think cheerleading is a sexist exploitation of the concept of woman as perennial spectator. Julie was protesting because she was eliminated in the 1st round. Mmm, pasta primavera.
You see? Lynn appreciates my cooking.
Lynn
Sure, scrape off the vegetables and that pink stuff and it's great. Anything I can do to help?
[looking at the salad] What's this stuff?
[angrily takes the salad away from ALF] Will you stay out of that salad? [he grabs the salad from ALF but the salad flies out of the bowl on Lynn]
Yikes! The radicchio is making a break for it!
ALF, I want you to clean this mess up and I want you to stay out of my way.
[as he sees the spaghetti overboiling] I think your spaghetti's done.
[Willie tries to get the spaghetti to stop from overboiling, but he burns himself as Kate comes home, he quickly grabs a towel while the spaghetti noodles fly off, then he puts the pot in the sink]
Lynn
Here, here, here.
Lynn
Hi, mom.
[timer dings]
[Kate comes home from work]
Hi, ALF. Hi, Willie. Willie, um, uh, re-remember the first time that, that I stopped working?
Um-m-m, it was when you were expecting Lynn.
Well, do you remember the second time?
When you were expecting Brian.
Well, you know, I haven't been feeling too great lately and, um, I've been feeling you know, kind of tired.
Well, gosh, honey, you ought to see a doctor.
Willie, you lox! Your wife is telling you she's about to spawn again!
Yeah. Are we. [he and Kate kiss each other]
Great! A new baby! We'll raise him as our own!
Well, he or she will be our own.
Well, as our own. It's not our own. Lynn! Brian! Come here, I want to tell you something!
[he and Kate hug each other] Oh, I love you.
Lynn
[as she and Brian go to the living room] What's up, dad?
There. There's going to be an addition, to our family.
No, it's not that. I'm gonna have a baby.
Lynn
Are you kidding?
Lynn
Oh, mom! That's great! This is so '80s!
We-we'll discuss that later.
I can't believe it! You're gonna be a mother! Brian, get some papers. Lynn, boil some water.
Well, ALF, the baby won't be here for 8 months.
Who's talking about the baby? I want a cup of tea and I want to read the funnies.
[ALF and Brian are preparing to do a magic trick using Kate's hat]
Lynn
What are you guys doing?
It's a magic trick we just saw on TV.
It's called "The Two-Layer Pineapple Surprise Cake in a Sun Hat" trick.
Lynn
With mom's sun hat?
We couldn't find Willie's. And now, without further ado, a pinch of yeast and 2 eggs. [puts the eggs inside Kate's hat] 1, 2.
Lynn
Does mom know you're using her sun hat?
Silence, please! Will the young man with the freckles and the overbite please mix the ingredients.
Lynn
She doesn't know, does she?
I'm running this trick on a need-to-know basis.
Perfect! Now cover the hat with the plate as I say the magic words. [Brian covers Kate's hat with a plate] Hacus pacus. Betty Crock-us. [Kate comes in the kitchen] Ta-da! Ladies and gentlemen. ALF's magical 2-layer pineapple surprise, [Brian wants to show the ALF's trick but fails to work leaving Kate's hat ruined and messy] soup.
[ALF burps after having his dinner]
3. Number 4 still hasn't digested that Reebok.
[arrives home] Hi, everyone.
Lynn
Hi, dad.
Gentlemen, start your enzymes.
Lynn
I'll help.
Don't tell me. That new guy at work held you up again.
Yeah. Once that Jim starts talking to us, it's impossible to get away. This time I actually had my hand on the car door before he got me.
Who is this guy? The idiot son of the boss?
Well, you better not be late tomorrow night. Or have you forgotten about helping me Put up the satellite dish?
Oh. I ordered a satellite dish. It'll be here tomorrow. Will you help me put it up?
I'll help you send it back.
Can't. I bought it during their "Absolutely No Refunds What Are You Deaf?" sale.
[panicking] Absolutely no refunds?!
[wakes up as hears a strange noise] What.. Oh. A stranger approaches. Steady, ALF. Steady. Don't soil yourself. [Jimbo jumps over the fence, he walks around the backyard, and gets caught in ALF's trap] Behold. Excalibur.
[comes to the backyard] ALF? What was that?
Willie, you're just in time. I caught a murderer! [Willie gasps and falls down to the hole that Jimbo fell on] Don't mention it.
My guess would be that he hit his head on your sewer pipe.
[as she and Lynn arrive at the backyard late at night] What's going on, ALF?
Lynn
Why is dad going through the pockets of man in a hole in our backyard at night?
Because we have an alien.
Lynn
Oh, right. What are you looking for?
Okay, but we split 50/50.
I am looking for identification!
You're wasting your time! No criminal's gonna carry ID on him!
Unless he's an FBI agent.
[gasps] I disavow any knowledge of my actions. Bye!
[at the end, the family gives ALF a homemade medal for his bravery]
For meritorious service above and beyond the call of duty we hereby present to you the Tanner Medal of Honor.
Lynn
My hero.
Shucks, folks. I'm speechless, almost. 11 score and 12 years ago. [reads from a book] My parents brought forth a new hero conceived in a De Soto, and dedicated-
[interrupted ALF's reading] ALF. ALF, wrap it up or we take the medal back.
As God as my witness I'll never be hungry again. Thank you. [the family claps for him] And now, Kate, how about making me a hero sandwich? [laughs, but he hides under the table as Trevor knocks on the door]
[Willie opens the door and finds Trevor cover by ALF's trap]
You got something I could cut Raquel down with?
I think there's something in the garage. I'll help you.
If you don't want people taking avocados from your tree just say so. [he and Willie leave the house]
[gets up as Kate stares at him] Last trap, I promise.
Remember, Kate, I like my waffles crisp, yet al dente. Cooked to a golden amber, and served piping hot on a gently warmed plate. [Kate puts the waffle on his plate] How does she do it?
Lynn
Do you want some maple syrup, ALF?
On waffles? How gauche. Get me the garlic salt?
Guess what? The car won't start again.
3 times in 2 weeks. Every time they fix 1 thing, something else goes wrong.
Well, I don't get it. Why keep spending money on something that doesn't work and causes nothing but aggravation?
Somehow we've gotten used to it. [ALF burps] Sort of.
Speaking of aggravation we're out of garlic salt.
[from outside] Hey, Tanners! Guess who?
Let me take a stab. It's the wacky next door neighbor. [hides under the table]
Hi, Willie. Hi, Kate. Hi, kids.
I just stopped by to see if you needed a ride to work again.
Well, as a matter of fact, I do. My car won't start again.
You should let Jake take a look at it. Kid could fix anything, has my car running like Florence Joyner. Oh, by the way, Jake will be doing the driving this morning. I hope you don't mind.
Lynn
I didn't know Jake could drive.
He just got his learner's permit. I'm teaching him. Kid's a natural. 5 days he's been driving, hasn't hit a living thing. We'll bring the car out front.
[hiding under the table] Yo, Lynn, you could use a pedicure. [Lynn kicks him from under the table] Ow!
ALF · 397 quotes
