[ALF comes out of the car and finds it broken]
Lynn[finds the car that ALF crashed in the garage] ALF! ALF, are you okay?
Don't worry, I'm fine. But this phone is a piece of junk. I'm gonna call Joel just as soon as he gets back from the Springs.
Forget the phone, forget Joel. You've just crashed into our garage. For the second time, I might point out!
I'm sorry, Willie, I really am. I think I might need glasses.
Glasses? I think you might need a lawyer.
May I just say to you, think it's very irresponsible of you. To take the car out on the road like this. To endanger your life and the lives of others. And to make us worry. And this sort of thing seems to be repeating itself over and over again.
There have been some fun times. Tell him, Kate.
There have been some fun times. ALF, a lot of fun times, but this isn't one of them.
Look at what you've done!
Alright, alright, calm down. Don't worry about it, Willie. I'll pay for it.
And how do you propose to do that?
Well, I'll call Joel tomorrow, I'll sell the car, and we'll use the money to fix the garage.
You'll do that? You'll call Joel?
Well, actually, it'll be Joel's assistant, because as I have mentioned, Joel is in the Springs.
That sounds fair, doesn't it, Willie?
I suppose so. I suppose it does, ALF. I'm glad you weren't hurt.
Thanks. Of course I'll want a complete physical before I sign anything. Just kidding, just kidding. [phone rings] That'll be Mrs. Ochmonek about the hedge.
[walks away] I'll get it.
Uh, that'll be the people across the street. Does your insurance cover front porches?
I'll be right back. Don't leave town. [leaves]
Lynn
ALF, I don't think I can ever repay you for what you've done. What have you done?
Well, I ran over a few front lawns, clipped a couple of jade trees. The rest is a blur.
Lynn
I'd better go see if I can help out. [walks away]
I think I'll turn in early tonight. [hides away inside the car when a light shines on him]
[the Tanners leave the trailer but they ended up staying in the trailer as a thunder booms]
Chutes and Ladders anyone?
I'll set up the barbecue, anybody hungry?
You're not going out there?
I'll cook under the awning.
Need some help bobbing for firewood?
One more word out of you, and you're not eating with us.
Right. Let the alien starve.
I think the alien could skip a meal. It might be a new experience for you! [pause] How would you like your hamburger?
Medium rare. Hold the lightning.
How would you like to be 50% hair?
You know, you're a different person when you're on vacation.
I'm just trying to make this vacation fun.
By trying to keep a positive attitude! You might do that yourself. INSTEAD OF COMPLAINING ALL THE TIME!
Well, not everyone enjoys spending their vacation in a rainforest!
We're in this rainforest because of you!
You're not voting in this.
Call the newspapers! Democracy is dead!
You wanna to go home, go! No one's stopping him!
Lynn
Dad!
You want me to go? I'll go!
Fine, I'm going. [he leaves but Brian stops him]
Sorry, Brian. I have my pride.
Lynn
ALF!
Come on, ALF! You're not really going.
I'm out of here. I'm history! [opens a door when a thunder booms] I'm going to die! [leaves]
[at the end, the family opens their presents on Christmas Day]
This is great Brian, it's forgiving eye exams. Right, Brian?
No, you look into it and push the button.
It's Sylvester & Tweety! Ha! Die cat! Die! Yeah!
Yeah and we ended up with a really beautiful tree.
It should be. It cost me $367 what with the fine I'm towing.
Who are these presents for?:
Oh, I almost forgot, a few tokens from the old ALFer.
Well, you got us presents? ALF, you can't shop. This is America, Kate. Everybody can shop. I use the catalog.
Lynn
Thanks ALF. Look a staple gun.
Goodness, a rotary sander for me.
It is the thought that counts.
And the important thing is we're all together. Inthe words of the immortal St. Frosty the Snowman. God bless us all everyone.
[Brian uses a reef blower to blow away the opened Christmas wrappers as the episode ends]
[Kate gets ready to let her mom Dorothy go inside the house]
Mom! It's so good to see you! [closes the door] It's my mother!
Not your grandma, it's Lynn and Brian's grandma. [takes the stuff away from ALF]
What brings her out this way?
ALF! The kitchen! The kitchen! Now!
All right, Willie grab the pasta maker. [leaves]
Lynn
[she and Brian come in the living room] Who's at the door?
They're making her stand outside.
Lynn
GO!
[Kate opens the door to let her mom in after ALF goes inside the kitchen]
[ALF is pounding nails on the sign in the door]
Say, why are you pounding nails in our front door?
To keep the sign from falling. Don't you know anything about gravity?
Thanks for offering, but the job's already done. [Willie takes the hammer away from ALF]
Lynn
[she and Brian come to the living room] Morning. Morning, dad.
Have you practiced the poem?
Lynn
Yes, ALF, but I-
But nothing. Let's hear it.
LBLynn and Brian
Goodbye, Grandma. Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye. Goodbye, Grandma. Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye.
Maybe another "goodbye" in there.
[comes out of the kitchen with a so long bag] What's this stuff in this bag?
I prepared a little flight kit. Nothing special, just a few travel necessities. I emphasize the word "travel."
[looks inside the bag] Magazines, Kleenex, breath mints, antacids, and moist towelettes.
If she stops for anything, she might miss her plane.
How very thoughtful of you.
And, of course, the bag will come in handy in case of turbulence. Or if they show Howard the duck.
[walks up to the Tanners] Guess what! I'm not leaving.
ALF, don't be rude. [pause] Why not, Dorothy?
I could just kill Estelle. She's decided to spend a few more days with her daughter. Now, where does that leave me and all my plans? Honestly, I hate doing this. But, well, I'm gonna have to stay here a little while longer.
You know, there's a nice motel down the street. [Dorothy and the Tanners stare at him] Just a thought.
If anybody wants me, I'll be in the whirling hot tub.
Lynn
We don't have a whirling hot tub.
I know, I'm gonna improvise.
Lynn
Any mail for me?
Yeah. All of it. [pause] But ALF, I don't want you joining anymore record clubs.
Fine, fine, fine. Oh hey, before I forget, I need you to write out a couple of checks: One to Greenpeace and one to the auto club.
Lynn
You're a member of the auto club?
Well, I'm not writing anymore checks.
Well, fine, my checks just came. Oh darn, I ordered sunrise. They sent me sunset.
Fine. I wish these insurance companies would leave me alone. I'm already fully covered through the auto club. [leaves]
I just know he's gonna get hair in the drain.
Lynn
He was wearing a shower cap.
Why was he carrying my mixer into the bathroom?
Lynn
He said something about a whirling hot tub.
[gets hurt offscreen] Whoa!
ALF! [she and Lynn get up] Oh my gosh. [finds ALF walking to the living room] ALF? Are you alright?
ALF? There must be some mistake. I'm Wayne Shagele, Michigan Life and Company. [nods his head]
[after he returns back to normal] The last thing I remember, was this big flash of light. I smiled because I thought someone was taking my picture. And that's about it. Oh and that Chung Insurance is cheaper than whole life.
Well, it's a start. [the door knocks] Oh my gosh! It's the police!
Now what did you guys do? I swear, if it's not 1 thing with this family it's another. Hey, what am I doing in this cheap polyester suit?
Lynn
Come on, ALF. You'd better go.
Fine if you all need me I'll be in the whirling hot tub. [leaves]
[Luis enters the Tanner's house and meets with the Tanner family]
Everybody, this is Luis Mancia. Luis, this is everybody. This is Kate, uh- This is Señorita Tanner, This is-
Lynn
Have we met?
He saw your picture. Your school picture on my desk.
Lynn
You know I hate that picture. I wish you wouldn't show it to people.
What's the matter with it?
Lynn
I look like the village idiot.
Honey, you don't look anything like the village idiot.
People, people. Luis, this is Brian.
Luis, it's good to have you here.
Luis is going to stay here tonight.
Great, he can have my room, and I'll sleep in the laundry room with-
Lynn
Brian!
I think the couch will be fine. I think A-L-F can sleep in the garage.
Brian, why don't you show Luis Where he can wash up for dinner.
Okay. C'mon, Luis. [he leaves the living room with Luis]
Oh good, everyone's here. Where's Kate?
Thanks! [exits the living room]
Lynn
He wouldn't.
He might! [Kate screams from the shower] He did.
[reappears in the living room] Found her!
ALF, you don't walk into other people's showers.
I didn't walk in. I just pulled the curtain open.
I insist that you respect my wife's privacy.
Alright, alright. We're movin' on. I need to have a family meeting here. [hangs up the phone that Lynn is using]
Lynn
[angrily] ALF!
[angrily] You do that again, you're a seat cover!
Lynn
ALF, that was very rude hanging up the phone like that.
You're right. I'm sorry. You look a little different today.
Lynn
Oh I know I got-
Did you used to have a moustache?
Lynn
No. I got my braces off.
Yeah but didn't you used to have a moustache too?
ALF, what do have to say that's so important?
You better not be finished.
I wasn't. Tomorrow is the 2nd.
Lynn
I'm calling Mindy back.
Hey wait, wait. Come here. Come back here. Every 75 years on March 2nd, I go through a complex physiological and psychological transformation.
I go goofy. All Melmacians go through it. From sunrise to sunset my personality will change dramatically.
How dramatic is this change?
One never knows till it happens. But expect the unexpected. Wildly erratic behavior, personality shifts. The main thing is that I'll do anything to get out of that cage and get my hands on a cat. Any questions?
Oh, ah, the cage you're going to build for me. The one with the reinforced sides.
[the Tanners prepared a cage for ALF]
Well, I guess it's that time.
Thanks Brian. Now remember Willie, you are not, I repeat not to let me out of here under any circumstances. Is that clear?
Good. [he enters the cage] Good, now let me out. I have to use the little aliens room.
What are you doing!? Are you crazy? Didn't I say not to open this door under any circumstances?
Well I thought, I thought you really had to go.
You have a lunatic on your hands here. You got to be prepared for all kinds of diabolical tricks.
You know, maybe I should go, just to be on the safe side.
Good. You're finally catching on. Now, now let me out I have to go.
[ALF howls]
That's just another one of his tricks.
Help! Help! Fire! Somebody let me out.
Ohh, there's a big rat in here.
[in Lynn's voice] Mom, Dad, get me out of here.
Lynn, that sounded just like you.
Lynn
Excuse me but this is really weird. I can't watch.
[in Brian's voice] Wait for me. Wait for me.
Oh Brian, you better go to your room too. This could get out of hand.
[in Willie's voice] This could get out of hand! This could get out of hand!
It's going to be a long night.
[Brian is locked inside the cage by ALF in the middle of the night]
[inside the cage] Mom! Dad! Mom! Dad! Let me out!
Oh boy, he does a good Brian.
Lynn
You'd hardly know it was ALF.
[inside the cage] It's me, it's really me!
Honey, maybe it is Brian.
But that can't be. Brian's in bed.
Lynn
I'll go check his room.
Honey, honey, it looks just like Brian.
Maybe ALF can change his shape, too.
[inside the cage] No he can't. It's me.
Alright, alright. If you're really Brian what's your favorite food?
No, no, no, that is his favourite food.
I thought it was Lynn liked spaghetti.
Lynn
He's not back there.
Say, what's your favourite food?
Lynn
I don't know. White boiled potatoes.
I thought you liked spaghetti.
Lynn
It's alright.
Lynn
It's fine.
Willie! Willie, I'm going to open this cage.
No wait. What's your mother's maiden name?
Well, you know it's the name she had before she was married.
No, her other name. Her last name.
Lynn
What happened to ALF?
Lynn
I'll go check out back.
He told me the change was over. I'm really sorry.
Oh, honey, it's alright. But what were you doing up in the middle of the night?
I thought I wanted some milk. Maybe it was ALF was trying to call me in my mind.
No, I don't think so, Brian.
Lynn
The gate to the Ochmoneks' is wide open.
Oh, no. Lucky's over there. I'm going to go next door and see if ALF is there. You stay here in case he comes back.
Oh, well, you'd both better go back to bed.
Lynn
I can't sleep now.
Alright, alright, we'll stay up and have a snack. What would you like?
LBLynn and Brian
Spaghetti. White boiled potatoes.
[ALF is pretending to be Willie and Willie is pretending to be ALF]
Okay, since we're at the dinner table, let's just act we would at a dinner table, and we can start off by you Willie being ALF.
Food! Food! Give me more food! I haven't had a meal in, oh, half an hour! HA!
No, no, ALF! No, no! No food for you! You already ate last month!
[burps] I finished my meal. I guess I'll go watch TV while everyone else does the dishes!
I think we watch enough TV in this house. We ought to do something more stimulating. I know. Let's conjugate verbs!
No, how about, how about if we just break things? [crumbles up a piece of bread]
Oh, no, that would be wrong! Wro-WROOOOOONG!
Alright, then. How about if we eat the cat? [eyes Lynn as if she was the cat] How ya doin', Lucky?
Sorry. Household rule #856, subsection D, paragraph 2: We do not eat the cat!
Oh, rules, schmules! I hate rules! I like, I like anarchy!
Well, I don't believe in anarchy! It's much too spontaneous! Wow, look how late it's getting. And I still have to lay out my clothes for the rest of the year!
That's it. This isn't helping. I quit.
ALF, there are no winners in this thing.
Well, I was ahead on points.
Well, I think I've heard enough. I mean, you guys obviously don't get along, okay? I think, ALF should move out.
Move out? What does he mean, move out?
Lynn
Are you sayin' that ALF should get a place of his own?
Well, that-that's crazy. Do you know what rents are? What am I talking about?
You can move in with me. I've got an extra room.
ALF, you're not going anywhere.
Because people would find him out.
Well, I don't want anything to happen to him.
Uh-huh. You do care what happens to ALF.
Well, of course I care. I always did. I just think that sometimes, it seems that, that ALF doesn't care a heck of a lot about me.
Not care? Not care about the guy who's protected me and provided for me for all these months?
You appreciated all of that?
Of course, I appreciate it. Hey, if you got a problem, let's talk. I mean, if fake vomit's not your cup of tea I'll lose it.
Oh, yeah, I'd appreciate that. And, in return, I'll, really try to be...more flexible.
Hey, see what a little communication can do?
Well, I think we've all become a little closer here. We should toast this occasion.
Lynn
Yeah, come on, dad, make a toast.
Communication. [he and the family toast their glasses, then he drinks water out of his glass] And to, dribble glasses.
[ALF wakes up and screams in the middle of the night when he pulls up the curtain to find Trevor scaring him]
Whoa. It was only a dream. I've gotta stop eating Styrofoam before I go to bed. [he screams again when he finds Trevor standing next to him until the Tanners come]
Lynn
ALF! ALF, are you alright?
Hey, watch the shoulders! I've got bursitis.
Lynn
ALF, what were you screaming about?
It was horrible. Trevor was after me.
I don't see Mr. Ochmonek.
Well, he was here a minute ago. Check behind the refrigerator.
Brian, ALF was just having a nightmare.
That is exactly what happens to people who stare into other people's windows.
Isn't he wonderful? The guy can turn anything into an object lesson.
Lynn
Would you like us to stay with you for a little while?
Come on, Brian. ALF, try to get some sleep.
I can't. I'm too wound up. I've been through a trauma.
Come on, Lynnie, let's go to bed. Good night, ALF.
Lynn
Good night, ALF.
[voiceover] Good night, ALF.
[Kate and Lynn leave the kitchen]
Okay, don't fall asleep. Don't fall asleep. Don't fall asleep. Ignore that. Ignore that. Oh, heck, why must I be so darn curious? [he pulls up the blinds and finds Trevor digging a hole outside in the middle of the night] Alas, poor Mrs. Ochmonek, I knew her well.
Alright, everyone. We just got a few minutes now before the last rehearsal. So Brian, why don't you and I run over the song before Spencer gets here?
I stink. Spencer says so.
What do you care what Spencer says?
Because he laughs at me and makes me forget the words. I don't like him. He's mean.
Brian, that's not really. That's not fair. I'm sure Spencer has some very fine qualities.
That's not what you said last night.
Well, maybe an unkind word slipped in here or there.
Willie, you said the kid was fungus.
I did not. And even if I did, that's not the point.
Lynn
What was the point?
The point is moot. The little fungus is here now.
Lynn
Right. Come on, ALF.
Yeah, I know. 86 the alien.
Lynn
Let's go to my room. [walks away]
Forgotten. Why would anyone throw away the head?
ALF · 397 quotes
