[at the end, Willie ends up getting sick thanks to ALF]
KateHoney, I just don't feel good about leaving you like this.
Well, no, you go. There's no use both of us staying home just because I'm sick. Say hello, say hello to your mother for me.
Kate
Okay. [kisses Willie] I'll be thinking about you. [she leaves the house]
Oh, she's going to her mother's.
Without you? Oh, I get it. Lynn's on her ski trip and you don't trust me to be alone.
No, sure we do, ALF, but I'm sick. I-I caught cold because somebody hosed me down in my own bedroom.
Come on! Get up and go to your mother-in-law.
Gee, Willie, you do look a little pale. You might be coming down with something. You better lie down.
Oh, thanks. That's a good idea.
Thanks, ALF. You're a good friend.
Hey, anything for my Willie. You want me to press my lips up against your forehead?
[Willie gets shocked when ALF comes closer to him as the episode ends]
[in Kate and ALF's dream]
JJohn
Mrs. Tanner, our environment is becoming endangered much like the liberal. What would you do about it?
Kate
Well, my environmental plan includes tax incentives to the industrial sector to encourage factory modernization as well as legislation.
Kate
ALF?
JJohn
Your solution to pollution?
My solution to pollution will help your constitution. So send a contribution, and start the revolution. Uh-huh, uh-huh.
Kate
Could we please get serious here?
JJohn
Quiet! Rap Master ALF is on a roll.
Thanks, man. Weiner on a stick?
JJohn
My pleasure. [pause] Your answer?
To get rid of pollution, just tie big balloons on all the smoke stacks to catch the dirty air.
Kate
Wait a minute. And what would you do when the balloons were full?
I'd rub them on a big sweater and stick them to the ceiling of the White House.
JJohn
Finally, a candidate as intelligent as myself.
Kate
How can you say that? His solution is impractical and ludicrous.
JJohn
Sour grapes, Mrs. Tanner. You lose. I'm voting for the ALFer.
AAudience
[cheering] ALF! ALF! ALF! ALF! ALF! ALF! ALF! ALF! ALF!
[Kate and ALF's dream ends]
Kate
[talking during her sleep] ALF.
That's my name. Ask me again, and I'll tell you the same.
Kate
What are you doing in here?
I got tired of looking at the big picture. [pause] Oh, hey, look! Willie's shins glow in the dark.
[the family is playing charades]
Kate
You got it, Bri!
No fair! You were giving him hand signals to help him guess.
ALF, that's how you play charades.
Oh. Well, let me try! Alright, uh-
Kate
It's about you.
The Brother from Another Planet?
No, no, you're all wrong, it's The Man Who Would Be King.
[Trevor and Raquel come to the Tanners house to introduce Jake]
Kate
Hi guys.
And other residents of the Tanner manor.
Hi, Trevor, Raquel. And who might this be?
This is Jake, my brother cyril's kid. These are the Tanners.
Kate
Hi, Jake.
[laughs] Jake just flew in from New York. He's staying with us while his father is away.
Kate
Oh, how long will that be?
Unless he gets time off for good behavior.
Cake. Cake. Cake. Cake. Cake. Cake. Cake! Cake! Cake! Cake--
Kate
We're saving it for Jake.
Okay. [pause] He's not coming. Let's eat.
The kid's probably going up the river as we speak. They'll put him in solitary, feed him bread and water, topped by a delicious piece of chocolate- [Kate moves the cake] cake.
Jake may have some problems, but he's not going to be sent to prison.
Tell that to my cousin, Pretty Boy Shumway. He lived on the south side of Melmac. The baddest part of the planet. If he didn't like your shoes. [points at Willie, imitating machine gun sound] "ak-ak-ak-ak-ak."
You mean he'd shoot a person just because he didn't like his shoes?
No. He'd just point at you and go, "Ak-ak-ak-ak-ak."
[comes in] Mr. Ochmonek called and said Jake won't come over.
He just hollered through my window.
Kate
Would you like some cake?
Great meal, mom, what's for dessert?
You can't have dessert, until all the other food has been served.
All the other food has been served.
That's it? One measly ham? Why did I work up an appetite playing football?
Who were you playing football with?
Kate
He played by himself.
Kate
You didn't trample my flower garden, did you?
Don't worry, I tip-toed through your tulips.
Kate
Let's me see your feet. Feet! [she checks ALF's foot cover with her flowers] You tip-toed through my tulips, but demolished my daisies.
Don't worry, I high-tailed it past your hyacinths. Your turn. [doorbell rings] I'll get it.
Kate
Thank you, Lynn. Now, where were we ALF?
Well, if I remember correctly, you were about to give me a foot massage.
Kate
ALF?
Kate
Come here.
No problem. Kate, I'm sorry about your flowers. Please accept these along with my apologies.
Kate
They smell like feet.
I washed them in Desenex.
ALF, where is our football?
[shows ALF the football] Raquel said it broke her window.
That's ridiculous! Footballs don't break windows, people do.
Me, I broke nothing, I swear.
Kate
You broke those plates when you throw the football through my kitchen window.
Oh, like that's relevant.
ALF, how did this football get into the Ochmoneks' backyard?
Kate
Please share it.
Alright. See, I was standing near the fence. I kicked the football, it went up but it never came back down.
Well, isn't it obvious? Gravity failure. Explanation 2, what happened-
[interrupts ALF and comes to the living room] What did ALF do this time?
Somebody broke the Ochmoneks' window and we're trying to figure out who it was.
Say, it wasn't you, was it Brian?
Kate
Brian dear, this is very important!
Hey, if the kid said he didn't do it, he didn't do it. Stop with the 3rd degree.
Kate
Fine. If he didn't do it, that makes you the prime suspect.
Brian dear, this is very important. Did you break the window?
Huh? Who could it have been?
Alright, that's it. You're not watching TV for 1 month.
Why, what did I do? You can't punish me without just cause. I demand a trial.
There's no need for a trial, forget the trial.
So you do think I'm guilty. You're punishing an innocent alien.
Yeah, dad, my teacher said everyone's innocent until proven guilty.
Okay, fine. ALF gets his trial. I'll be the judge.
Oh, no offense, Willie, but I prefer a fair trial.
What you trust mom to be the judge?
Kate
I'm not gonna be the judge, and there's not gonna be a trial.
Look, I know my rights. I want my day in court and that's that! If I'm found guilty, I'll take the month with no TV.
Kate
Okay, we'll have a trial tomorrow morning after breakfast.
Fine, whatever you say, your honor. I respect your judgment and I'm not just saying that.
Kate
Stop kissing up.
I'm not kissing up. I'm innocent. Why should I have to kiss up? By the way, I love what you've done with your hair.
Kate
[angrily] STOP IT!
I'm stopped. It's stopped. You're right. You're brilliant. She's brilliant. She's really is. She's brilliant. No more kissing up. Not if she doesn't want me to kiss up. I wouldn't kiss up to the judge. Nuh-uh. [goes to the kitchen]
Kate
Willie, present your evidence.
The case is simple. We have here a broken window, and a defendant with a long, long history of reckless behavior. Starting with the day he crashed his spaceship into our garage.
To name 12 more. He set a fire in the camper, he chopped up our Christmas tree, he wrecked the toaster, he ripped that painting, he dug up the backyard, he stole a car, he buried my piano, I think that was the thing hurt me the most, he got me arrested, he used our credit cards, excessively and illegally, he short circuited the television, terrorized the cat, and he blew up the kitchen. It's not hard to imagine, that such a person would, could, and infect did kick a football through the Ochmonek's window.
[ALF is decorating a party as Kate comes home with the groceries]
Kate
ALF, what is going on here?
We're celebrating. Uncle Albert is gone.
Kate
He left without saying goodbye?
Kate. Kate. [he hugs her]
Is it true about Uncle Albert?
Kate
Well, apparently so. I mean, talk about the perfect guest. He came, he was nice and he left before we got tired of him.
Hey, come on, man! Lighten up. Here, have a hat.
Have you no respect for the dead?
Kate
Dead? ALF, you said Uncle Albert was gone.
Kate
Oh, my God.
What happened? ALF, exactly what happened?
Well, I was in the tent watching TV.
Yeah. I offered him one of Kate's cookies, but he keeled over. Hey, don't take it personally. Some people just don't have a sweet tooth. Speaking of which, did you get those canned peaches, Willie? I need to finish basting the deceased. [Willie walks away] Hey, hey, let the guy marinate in peace!
[as he comes home from school] Hey! Are we having a party?
Kate
This isn't a party.
Sure it is! It's just like a birthday party only someone else has to blow out the candles.
Hey, come on. Don't blame yourself, Willie. Gosh, if anyone killed Uncle Albert, it was me.
[prepares for Jodi's arrival by moving all the furniture in the living room into a pile] Perfect. [lamp crashes] Almost perfect.
A lamp fell off the furniture.
That leads to my next 2 questions. A, what was the lamp doing on a pile of furniture? And B. Why is the furniture in a pile?
Well, aren't you forgetting C? What are we having for lunch?
[Kate and Lynn comes to the living room, shocked]
Who piled up all the furniture? ALF, why did you pile up all the furniture?
I stacked it to get it out of Jody's way.
She'll be safe as long as she stays out of the falling-lamp zone.
Kate
ALF, let's, let's rethink this. Jody lived in an apartment. Jody had furniture. Jody walked around the furniture.
See Jody. See Jody run. Run, Jody, run.
See the furniture. See the alien move the furniture back. Move, alien, move.
See the alien throw out his back. See the alien blame the Tanners. Lawsuit, Tanners, lawsuit.
[arrives home] I think the Jodster's here.
Okay, everyone, stay calm.
Well, then, show some enthusiasm.
[knocks and arrives at the Tanners] Excuse me, I'm not sure I have the right house. I'm looking for-
[chuckles] This is the place. [as she hears the car honking] Uh, it's okay. Thanks.
Come on in, Jody. I'm Willie.
Oh, the patriarch of the Tanner clan.
Sounds good to me. And-and this is my wife, Kate.
Kate
Hello.
And-and this is Lynn and Brian.
Jody, run around. You won't bump into anything.
[chuckles] Oh. Well, I-I hope you didn't go to the trouble of rearranging the furniture.
It was no trouble. It was fun.
It'll be even more fun putting it back.
Oh, well, then you could do it.
Thanks for letting me stay here. I hate to impose, but I-I didn't know what else to do.
Well, you're not imposing.
Kate
No. We're glad you're here.
And stay as long as you like.
[at the end, ALF gets ready to eat Lucky]
Lucky, I'm going to show you what it's like to be plunged into a world of darkness. [shoves Lucky in his mouth until Kate comes]
Kate
ALF!
Kate, just in time! The cat almost got my tongue.
Kate
Give me this cat! [takes Lucky away from him]
Bad, Lucky, bad! Now I know how Wile E. Coyote feels.
[Kate walks away with Lucky as the episode ends]
[comes in the kitchen with a beef bone that Alfina ate] Anyone lose a steak?
Kate
O-o-okay, ALF. I'm sorry I accused you.
Apology accepted. I'd hate to be in your paws, you cattle rustler!
Kate
Bad dog! Oh, I didn't mean it. No, she didn't mean it. Oh. Here. You're a good dog, aren't you? Yes, you are. Come on, pup. Come on.
[imitating Kate] You're a good dog. Yes, you are. [normal] This is an outrage! That dog should be flogged on the quarterdeck. Whatever that means.
Kate
Oh, ALF, she's just a dog. She doesn't know any better.
Kate
Ignorance is your excuse all the time.
I don't know what you're talking about.
BMrs. Buttonwood
[arrives at the Tanners to look for Alfina] Where is he?
BMrs. Buttonwood
My dog. That's who. You found him, didn't you?
Well, yes, we did. I mean, that is to say we found a dog.
BMrs. Buttonwood
He's mine. Where is he?
It's not a he. She's a she.
BMrs. Buttonwood
I knew that. Is that her?
BMrs. Buttonwood
Of course, I do. Come here, dog!
[Alfina growls]
Kate
She doesn't seem to be responding to you.
BMrs. Buttonwood
We had a fight! She'll get over it.
Uh, do you suppose and, uh, mind you, this is just a thought, that you might be mistaken about this being your dog?
BMrs. Buttonwood
I lost a dog. You found a dog. Can we do business or not?
BMrs. Buttonwood
[gives Willie her a note] Here's my address and telephone number in case you change your mind.
BMrs. Buttonwood
[yelling] HAVE A NICE DAY!
[opens the door revealing it's Hannah] Hi, can I help you?
HHannah
I came to get my dog.
HHannah
This is her. This is my dog, Francesca. Can I have her back, please?
Kate
Oh, uh, no, wait. Um, before we give her to you we have to make sure she is your dog.
HHannah
Oh, she's my dog, alright. She's brown and white and shaggy, and she does tricks.
Kate
What kind of tricks?
HHannah
The wrong tricks. Like, when I tell her to sit up and beg she rolls over and plays dead.
Kate
That's her, alright.
HHannah
My dad taught her that. He has a weird sense of humor.
[comes to the living room] I can't find Alfina anywhere.
Oh, we have a little problem. Uh.
Hannah. I'm Mr. Tanner. This is my wife, Mrs. Tanner.
Kate
Hello.
And these are the Tanner siblings, Brian, Lynn.
Um, Hannah is here to pick up her dog. Uh-oh. Where is she? Actually, we don't know where she is just at the moment.
HHannah
Oh, no. I have to sit down.
Kate
Oh, please.
You know, we did find your dog. I mean, Brian found your dog. It's just that she seems to have, wandered off.
Kate
Oh, Hannah. No, don't cry. We'll help you find your dog.
And if we can't, I can think of a suitable replacement.
ALF · 397 quotes
