[ALF is sitting in the kitchen wearing shades and staring at a sunlamp]
Kate[walks over to him] What are you doing?
[with a sunlamp in front of his head] Oh, soaking up rays, Babe. Your sunlamp's not working. I've been sitting here for 5 hours, Nada.
Kate
5 hours? ALF, you're lucky you didn't get a sunburn. [she touches ALF as ALF screams] Sorry.
Aah, oh, it hurts, it hurts.
Kate
[takes the sunlamp away from ALF] Well, would you like some cold cream?
Yeah, but just one scoop, I'm on a diet.
Kate
It's for your nose.
That's where I'm trying to lose the weight.
Kate
ALF, I'm talking about cold cream. Not ice cream. Cold cream. You understand?
You're talking like they're 2 different things.
Kate
They are! Haven't you been listening?
What is this, healing through hollering?
[Brian comes in the kitchen after he had a school fight]
Kate
Brian, what happened?
Looking like that? Yeesh!
Kate
[on the phone] I love you too, mom. Buh-bye. [hangs up the phone] Why are those boards in the fireplace?
ALF said, if you can't break 'em, burn 'em.
Kate
ALF!
[pops up from the kitchen] Boing!
Kate
ALF, we are not going to let you burn perfectly good lumber.
Oh, right, one of these days Willie's gonna build that gazebo.
[Brian comes home from school and tries to hide his face from Lynn]
[after getting beaten up again] Nothing. See you tomorrow.
Kate
[stops Brian from leaving] Oh, no, not again.
Hi, dad. Bobby beat me up again.
I tried to walk away, like you said. But he was sitting on me at the time.
Kate
Let me get the first aid kit. [takes Brian to the kitchen] Come on, Bri, let me clean you up.
Alright! That's it! I say we fight violence with violence. That's how we used to solve things back home.
But ALF, don't you remember what happened to your planet?
Well, it blew up in a nuclear holocaust. Why?
Don't you see the connection?
Me too. I'm gonna lay down. My head is spinning. Maybe a cold cream sundae. [walks off]
You should have heard what Bobby said.
Kate
Did he insult me again?
What did he say about me?
He said you must have been desperate to marry someone like mom.
Kate
I'm glad to see he's off my case.
Did he say anything about me?
Yeah. He said you were cute.
Does he know I'm mom's daughter?
Kate
[serious] This isn't funny! I'm sorry, Bri, but I'm afraid I'm gonna have to call Bobby's mother.
Save your dialing finger, Kate. She's not home. She went down to the liquor store.
Bobby's father. Oh, by the way, he's coming over here to beat the stuffing out of Willie.
Well, he didn't like the way you talked to him on the phone.
ALF, I thought we agreed that you'd stop impersonating me on the phone.
We agreed I would stop impersonating the cast of Green Acres. [imitating] Although, Mr. Haney could have sold Brian some revivifying potion out of the back of his truck.
ALF, what did I say, to Bobby's father?
You were a bit rough actually. It was so unlike you.
He said that. He was gonna turn your face into silly putty. Hey, look at the bright side you'll be able to reproduce the Sunday comics.
[the doorbell rings]
That might be Bobby's dad.
I'm outta here. Hey, and don't worry, Willie we won't let them keep you alive artificially. [hides away as Willie and Kate leave the kitchen]
[ALF is in Kate and Willie's bed eating crackers]
Kate
I don't believe you're eating crackers in bed.
I know. It's such a clich? Could you "hoover" the crumbs out of my fur?
Kate
I want every single crumb out of this bed. Including you.
I know you're upset about Willie, but he'll be home soon. I won't leave this bed, until he is.
Just what I wanted to see in my bed.
Kate
It's 11pm. What happened?
I'm sorry, Kate. I got in a big tie-up on the on the,
Freeway. I suppose you've discussed the crackers in bed.
Kate
We were just discussing that, when you came in.
Yes, your arrival was most fortuitous.
Not that it matters, I'm so tired that I could sleep on broken glass.
Then you might want to sleep by the China cabinet.
[pops up] Could you get those two back in here? They didn't even check the bathroom. I loosened every third tile.
This is not the worst thing you've ever done. This is the 15th worst thing you've ever done.
What possible reason could you have had for this?
Nobody wants to move, including you.
Because you're a social worker.
What's that got to do with anything-
Follow me, Willie. I'm trying to be linear. Well, one could define social worker as a person who performs work for the social good, couldn't one?
Well, then how come all you're doing is playing musical parking spaces and firing guys?
You know, I also have to find a shortstop for the office softball team.
Just tell me this. Why are we moving out of a house we do like so you can keep a job you don't like?
Kate
[comes in her and Willie's room] ALF, how could you-
No, no, hold-hold on, Kate. Before we give ALF the 15th worst scolding he's ever had I think there's something you ought to know. [Brian and Lynn come in Willie and Kate's room] Brian, Lynn, Kate, how would you all feel if I asked for my old job back and we just stayed in this house?
Of course, umm, I-I'm not gonna have that raise, you know?
Forget it, we'll move. Sorry. A momentary attack of shallowness. I'm over it.
Kate
Well, honey, y-you worked so hard for this promotion. What made you change your mind?
Actually, it was ALF who convinced me we'd all be happier if we stayed right here.
Oh! Although, instead of destroying the house, why didn't we just talk about it? That was plan B.
Can't you pack any faster?
Not one handed. Why do we have to run away?
Because this place is a suburban Sing Sing.
[comes in] Hey, ALF. Whatcha doing?
I'm running away from home.
Oh, great. Tell the whole world.
Why are you running away?
[satisfied] NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS! [laughs evily]
[angrily] I'M GONNA TELL DAD! [he leaves the garage] DAD!
Hey, why were you lying to Brian like that? [Paul hits him] Ow, don't hit me!
Shut up and keep packing.
Well, what if I don't wanna go? What if someone sees me?
I'll tell 'em you're my pet sloth, which isn't too far from the truth.
I don't know why I stay friends with you.
Because I'm your alter ego.
I tell you what to do. Now, grab that radio over there. We'll hock it.
I can't take that. It's Willie's!
[Willie and Kate come in the garage]
You're not taking anything. And I think it's time I took that dummy away from you.
Yeah. Back off or you'll be sucking splinters.
Kate
ALF, Paul is only a toy. How about if we replace him with a Papa Smurf?
Why don't we replace the two of you with Ozzie and Harriet? At least Harriet could cook.
Kate
That's it, mister! You are kindling!
No, no! Don't take Paul away from me. He'll die!
ALF, why don't you and Paul just go in the house? We're not gonna bother you anymore. I promise.
See how nice they are? Thank you. That's very kind of-
Come on! Come on! I'll teach you how to smoke. [he and ALF leave the garage]
Kate
Willie, what? What did you do that for?
Don't worry. I'm getting psychiatric help.
Kate
Good for you, honey. But what about ALF?
That's what I meant. I'm calling Larry. He helped ALF last year. He didn't even send us a bill.
Kate
You get what you pay for.
More plates! That picture taunts me still.
Kate
We're out of plates.
Break something else, ALF.
Like what? How about something small, wooden, and obnoxious?
Leave Kate's meatloaf out of this.
He was talking about you. And he's right. You are obnoxious.
Yeah. Well, you're a mama's alien.
Paul, you said you were my friend.
Think about it, ALF. Do you really need a friend like Paul?
He's right. I don't need you.
Yeah! Say goodbye, dummy!
You shouldn't have bonked a guest.
How are you feeling, ALF?
Great! I'm on a house-wrecking high.
Kate
He means how do you feel about Paul?
Well, I guess I'll miss him. But I'll get over it. I'm over it.
He'll be all right. To prove it, I'll send you a bill.
Kate
ALF, do you really feel okay about this?
Yeah, I've lost a friend, But I've regained my left hand.
We're so happy to hear it.
Now, if memory serves we were chucking plates at grandma.
[trying to get rid of the drawing on the wall] When, how, why did you do this?
Half an hour ago. Crayon. Seemed like a good idea.
Well, it's not coming off.
Kate
They won't notice, because they won't be coming here.
If I were paranoid type, I'd think this had something to do with me.
[Willie is painting through ALF's drawing on the wall while the phone rings]
[walks and answers the phone] Hello? Dad, it's for you. It's mom.
Go ahead, Willie. I'll hold the brush.
[gives ALF the brush] Well. Okay, but don't paint with it.
Don't eat it. [he walks away]
He didn't say not to lick it.
Kate
Hi honey, it's me.
Hi, Kate. What's the matter?
Kate
Well, nothing really. But I'm here with Maura and she wants to spend the night.
Kate
Yes, she just had a big fight with John and she's very upset. I'd like to help her out. But honey, can we manage it?
Well, the sign's almost covered. [ALF goes up the ladder and reaches for his drawing] All we have to do is hide the artist.
Kate
Okay, we'll be home in 30 minutes. She can sleep on the couch.
[falls down from the ladder as paint wets the couch] WHOA!
Can she sleep on the floor?
[the next day, ALF is groaning from drinking the tequila he had last night]
Kate
Willie, what's that?
I don't know. It sounds like an alien groaning, and groping his way along the hall.
Kate
That's what I thought. ALF, what are you doing?
Groaning and groping, and looking for a place to do the technicolor yawn. Ohhh.
I've been poisoned, Willie. Earth germs. I saw it in "War of the Worlds." Before aliens can destroy the planet, the earth germs get them.
What are you talking about?
Kate
What did you eat?
Just the usual, everything. It's what I drank.
Kate
What did you drink?
I think they call it tequila.
Kate
You have a hangover.
You shouldn't be drinking.
Hey, I'm over 21. I'm over 221.
Kate
You got into the liquor cabinet?
No, Maura got into the liquor cabinet.
You saw her? She saw you?
Yeah, now we're seeing each other. I don't think it's going to work out. She's a booze hag.
Kate
[angrily] That is NOT true! I WON'T HAVE YOU INSULTING MY FRIENDS! DO YOU HEAR ME?
Oh boy, do I! This isn't a criticism, Willie. But your wife's voice seems unusually grating this morning.
Tell me about it. I'm off the sauce forever. It's that Hooch Monger you have to worry about.
Will you stop insulting Kate's friend?
Her name is Maura. It's always been Maura. Except in college, we called her Boilermaker.
She played ball for purdue?
She drank 14 boilermakers in one night. I guess we thought it was funny, at the time.
Kate
Kate, I would like to apologize for losing my temper. If you will apologize for what you said about Maura.
Apology accepted and given. If you'll excuse me, I have to drive the porcelain bus. [runs to Kate and Willie's bathroom]
Kate
Is he really that hung over?
Apparently. Maybe we ought to what sort of shape Boilermaker is in. I mean Maura. What shape Maura's in.
Kate
Boilermaker? Did you say boilermaker?
Yeah, that's what we called her in college.
Kate
Why did you call her that?
Because she drank too much. Let's face it, Kate. She still does.
Kate
You think that she's an alcoholic?
I don't know. I think you should talk to her.
Kate
But, honey. She's so successful, motivated and miserable.
Kate
Rough night, last night, huh?
Oh, no rougher than usual.
Kate
Maura, I-I-I don't know exactly how to say this, but are you aware of how much you drink?
Well, I drink, but no more than anybody else. I can certainly handle it.
Kate
I'm not so sure about that. I think that you might have a little problem with this.
[chuckles] Oh, Kate. Kate, I had a huge fight with my husband. I'm under a lot of pressure at the firm. [outside, ALF hears Maura] It helps me relax, that's all. I don't have a drinking problem. Look, Kate, I had a few drinks last night because I was happy to see everybody. I had one or two more here before I went to bed but that was it!
[comes in the kitchen as he mimicks buzzer] Wrong!
She can't see or hear me, Maura. Only you can. I'm your drinking pal, remember?
Kate
[offscreen] Get out of this bathroom! I'm going to take a bath, and that's final! [door slams]
Fine! I'll go sulk in the kids' bathroom.
Before you do, ALF, could you come out here?
Sure, why not? It's not like I was born free to follow my heart, or anything.
[lights turns on]
WLWillie, Lynn, Brian, Jake, Larry, Dorothy, and Jody
Surprise!
I've been seen by a vicious snarling mob. [everyone talks at once] Hey, hey, wait a minute. I know this mob.
We've invited everyone who's ever met you.
How's it going Jake-o-Lantern?
Here's 4. I owe you one! [laughs]
Larry, my shrink! Nice to see you when I'm not wacko.
Grandma Dorothy, how's your much younger husband, Whizzer?
Citizen cane! Yeah! Nice to see you.
[laughs] What a kidder! Watch out for the lamp!
ALF, we wanted to show you your world isn't as limited as you thought.
Kate
It's not the same as going out and making new friends, but we hope it helps.
I couldn't ask for more. Where are the presents?
Presents? We gave you presents at Christmas and your birthday, and on St. Melmac's Day, which I really doubt was that big a holiday.
Hey, forget the presents. I guess it's enough that my friends and Dorothy, are here.
WKWillie, Kate, Lynn, Brian, Jake, Larry, Dorothy, and Jody
[giving ALF presents] Surprise!
Oh, boy! Friends with presents are the best kind of friends and Dorothy.
[from outside] Hey, Tanners! It's us!
Oh, no. It's Trevor. Well, he wasn't invited.
Yeah, that never stops him.
I think just for a change of pace, I'll, hide in the kitchen. Ha! I kill us. [he goes to the kitchen]
Kate
He owes the Ochmoneks money.
I thought you said they were going out tonight.
They always go dancing on Saturdays.
Oh, hello. Hi. We were wondering if you knew where Jake went?
Oh, you're having a party. How interesting.
And we weren't invited? After having them over last night!
Now, now, Trevor, I'm sure the Tanners had a very good reason for stiffing us.
Well, it's not a party party.
Kate
It's a Tupperware party.
Oh, you mean the party where you have to buy stuff?
But I will have a slab of that cake.
I'll get a couple of plates.
Thanks. Bring Raquel one too.
[Willie goes to the kitchen to meet ALF]
I'm sorry for the interruption.
No problem. I enjoy the challenge of avoiding those 2. It keeps me young.
Hey, Willie. Thanks for the party and everything. It's nice to know there's someone around to save me from myself.
[voiceover] Willie, I need a doggie bag.
Kate
[voiceover] Raquel, don't go in there.
[Willie goes out the kitchen to stop Raquel from seeing ALF]
ALF · 397 quotes
