Hi Tanner, who painted your fence? It looks great!
I don't what you're talking about. [walks over to the window] Wow! That looks great.
Oh, it's your birthday present. I hope I didn't ruin the surprise.
No, I was going to look out the window soon, anyway.
That's 6 months away. It ain't your birthday. You just had your fence painted to keep up with the Ochmonek's. Well I'm not gonna tell you where I brought my fluorescent flamingos.
Hey, Kate, great looking breakfast.
Do me a favor. Don't mention it to Raquel.
KateYou have our word.
Thanks, she went ape when she found out you had a vacuum cleaner. Hey, listen. Have jeeves, give me a jingle. I might want him to paint my flamingos. [he gets a banana and leaves the house]
Kate
[comes in the kitchen] Willie, there's something wrong with the bathtub.
It's probably clogged with ALF's hair again. He refuses to vacuum himself before he takes a bath.
Kate
No, it's the faucet. There's no water coming out.
There's no water here either.
[outside] Hey, could you turn that off? I'm losing pressure out here.
Say, what exactly are you doing out there?
Kate
The dreaded "s" word.
Watch out Willie, it's a little slippery.
[from outside] Whoa! [falls into the lagoon]
Surprise! Well, what do you think?
Kate
I don't believe it!
Willie's swimming in the lagoon I built. It's just like the one on Gilligan's Island. From now on, life around here will be much more exciting. [Willie screams] See, it's exciting already.
How would you like to be buried at sea?
You're not happy about this, are you?
Kate
Just tell us why you did it.
Don't try to worm your way out of this one. You said we'd build a lagoon.
I said we'd build a little lagoon, not the Great Tanner Reef!
Okay, I misunderstood. I'm sorry. I made a boo-boo.
A boo-boo? [pause] I want my yard back the way it was. I want trees I can trim. I want grass I can mow. [angrily] NO WATER, NO HUT! AND YOU ARE GONNA STAY RIGHT HERE UNTIL I GET IT! Have I made myself clear?
What? Are you talking to me?
[as the Professor sets up the TV, the castaways get ready to watch their favorite TV show]
Sit down Professor, we can't see.
I'm adjusting the vertical hold.
Vertical hold? Looks like a coconut to me.
Give me the hat, Skipper.
TATV Announcer
And now it's time for The Adventures of the Tanner Family.
TATV Announcer
Starting Willie Tanner as Dad, Kate Tanner as Mom, Lynn Tanner as their daughter, and Brian Tanner as himself. This week's episode "Brian Takes a Bath".
Oh boy, this is my favorite.
I never had a bath for 23 years.
[on TV] That meatloaf was delicious, mom.
Kate
[on TV] Well, I hope you have room for some apple pie.
Apple pie. I haven't had that in 23 years.
That meatloaf sounds so delicious too.
I'd like to have something to eat that didn't fall out of a tree.
[on TV] Can I have some water, Dad?
[on TV] You can have lots of water, son. You're taking a bath.
How does Willie come up with that stuff?
The great ones make it look so easy.
Why was that funny? These are the most entertaining people in the world and you ask why was it funny.
Besides, they can do things we only dream of. They eat balanced meals.
They change their clothes.
They don't hit each other with hats.
Actually, they are pretty entertaining. Can I watch a little?
Don't you have some dirt to shovel?
I can shovel dirt back home.
You're a castaway now, fuzzy buddy.
I don't want to be a castaway. I thought this place would be fun. Now I realize, it's only fun in half hour chunks.
[on TV] But you wanted to be on Gilligan's Island. That's where the fun never stops. Remember? Remember? Remember?
I was wrong. I wanna go home. I wanna go home. I wanna go home. I wanna go home. [his dreams ends as he begins to wake up while Willie walks up to him] Wanna go home. Wanna go home. Wanna go home. Wanna go home. Wanna go home. Wanna go home.
Oh, Willie! You came all the way out here to rescue me!
It wasn't really all that far, ALF. I was just in the kitchen.
Ooh. Well listen, I was wrong. Adventure isn't on some unchartered desert isle. It's right here in your own backyard. What's left of it?
That's good to hear, ALF. I'll see you later.
Well, don't I get to come with you? What about all that mindless treacle I just oozed?
As treacle goes, it's pretty sweet. Too bad it didn't fill up the hole. Get to work.
[running inside the house and hides in the closet] Red alert! Red alert! Alien coming through!
What was ALF running for?
[inside the closet] Occupied!
Kate
Oh, I'm sorry.
ALF knows that's not a bathroom, doesn't he?
Kate
I hope so.
ALF. ALF! Say, ALF, what's going on?
[doorbell rings]
[inside the closet] Get the front door, Willie. It may be self evident.
Kate, Willie! It was horrifying, simply horrifying! It had a long and two big.
Raquel, please don't do this. She's imagining things.
I'm not imaging things! There's a monster loose in the neighborhood.
Are you going to form an angry mob?
I saw it in your backyard. I could swear I've seen it once before.
What did this monster look like?
Uh, like bigfoot. Only little. It ran behind your garage. It might still be there.
Kate
Maybe we should go have a look.
Kate
Raquel, I'm sure there's nothing out there.
Fine! You just tell that to it!
Will you tell it that I would like to speak to him.
[Lynn opens the door]
Bigfoot? She's one to talk. I could shoot the rapids in one of her gunboats.
Kate
[while putting on a costume on Brian for a school play] Hold still, Bri. I don't wanna stick you.
You look great, B. Sort of like the Pope's son.
I'm in a play at school. I'm Friar Tuck. One of Robin Hood's merry men.
No kidding. We had a Robin Hood on Melmac.
Did he take from the rich and give to the poor?
No, he just robbed the hoods off people's cars.
Kate
Honey, please. ALF, would you leave us alone?
Fine. I'll go bother Lynn. What's all this stuff?
It's a project for my sociology class. I'm putting together our family tree.
Who chopped it down? Was it me, again?
ALF, why don't you make a family tree?
Yeah, it's a fun way to remember your ancestors.
Well, I don't remember much.
My father was always breaking things, and my mother sat around eating all day.
Kate
It's amazing you turned out so well.
Thanks. But sometimes I do blow my nose on the wrong towel. [Kate and Lynn stare at ALF] What?
[Willie and Kate found out that ALF left the Tanners]
Kate
You want to get the coffee?
Kate
I'll get the eggs. [sighs] Well, I see ALF's had his breakfast.
At least he didn't eat the tape recorder. [finds ALF's note] What is this?
Kate
Probably his grocery list.
Kate, listen. [reads ALF's note] "Dear Earth family, the depth of my shame is so great. I've decided to leave. Press play for further details." [he press play on ALF's tape as he hears opera playing] "That's my "Carmen" tape".
[singing on his tape and makes his announcement] "Yo, Tanners, it's me ALF. Hope you don't mind me recording over your Carmen tape."
No, no, your version is much better.
[on tape] "As you now know, I'm not there. I've decided to run away to a place where peace and tranquility allow for the contemplation of life's vicissitudes."
Kate
What does he know of life's vicissitudes? I still have to put up the toilet seat for him.
[on tape] "Perhaps 1 day when I can deal with my seedy lineage I will see you all again. Farewell. I love you all. Now back to more classical music." [sings opera until the tape is turned off]
Kate
Willie, where could he have gone?
[Willie is listening to ALF's recording]
[on tape] As you now know, I'm not there. I've run away to a place where peace and tranquility allow for the contemplation of life's vicissitudes.
Kate
[comes to the living room] Willie, I couldn't find him anywhere.
Well, where could a 3 foot, hairy alien go and not be conspicuous?
Kate
Steven Spielberg's house?
[Brian comes to the living room]
No. But my Friar Tuck costume is gone. Maybe he went to Sherwood Forest.
Kate
No, Bri. Sherwood Forest is in England. ALF only took enough food to get to Canada.
Oh, it's hard to explain, Bri. Y-you'll understand when you're older.
Well, older than me. I'm still trying to figure it out.
Kate
Well?
[arrives home] Nothing. Where could he have gone?
Someplace where peace and tranquility allow for the contemplation of life's vicissitudes.
Kate
Well, that's what he said on the tape.
No, no, uh, besides that. Wait a minute, ALF wanted me to send my allowance to a bunch of monks. Listen to this. [reads ALF's note] "Peace and tranquility, life's vicissitudes." It's from the Brothers of the Peaceful Dominion.
Kate
That's it! He's joined a monastery.
Kate
Is this a pirate, or is this a pirate? Lynn?
Kate
Willie?
[comes in wearing a costume] Good morning.
A touch of your aftershave.
I meant those silly glasses.
Silly glasses? Look who's talking. This is my Halloween costume.
What are you supposed to be?
Gene shalit. Too obscure?
Kate
You're not planning on trick-or-treating, are you?
Are you kidding? I can't wait. I'm coming back with a bag full of candy apples, popcorn balls, and cats.
ALF, no one's going to give you a cat.
That's right. You have to bob for cats.
Kate
[comes in the kitchen] Hi, ALF.
Hi. Hey, Kate. Do you think I'm good looking?
Kate
Yeah, sure.
Well, if you were my age would you go out with me?
Kate
Well, if we your age and if I weren't married and if we were the same species, I guess so.
Kate
I don't know, how about a Rocky film?
Nah, he hasn't been funny since he broke up with Bullwinkle. What else you got?
Kate
That was it, ALF.
It doesn't sound like you put much thought into this date.
Kate
That's because I haven't.
Well, fine! Why don't we just forget the whole thing, okay?
Kate
Fine with me.
Fine. Probably wouldn't have worked out anyway. People would have just stared. [stares at himself with a mirror]
Hey, good water, Kate. Pick up some more of these tomorrow.
Kate
That water was for the wedding guests.
I only drank three of these I was trying to get rid of my hiccups.
Kate
That is the strangest hiccup I've ever heard.
Well, here's another one. [hiccups]
Oh, [hiccups] yes. You're the first humans who've ever heard the dreaded "Melmacian" hiccups.
What is it that makes them so dreaded, besides that irritating metallic echo?
That irritating metallic echo gets louder and louder, day by day, week by week, year by, [hiccup] year.
Kate
How many years are we talking about?
I'm not sure. [hiccup] My uncle Tinkle had them for 50 years.
Kate
Tinkle?
[Willie and Kate come inside the garage]
Hi, ALF, how's it going? [ALF hiccups] About the same, huh?
Kate
What are you looking for?
My Melmacian Medical Encyclopedia. I might have a cure for the hiccups. Here. Hold this Willie. [he gives Willie his nuclear waste from his spaceship]
It's just nuclear waste from my spaceship. Oh hey, don't worry. Life here will exist as long as the lid doesn't pop off. [short pause] Oh, wait. These are my crayons.
Kate
What does this encyclopedia look like?
I don't remember. I only used it once.
Oh yeah, that's it. The furry home companion.
Kate
Isn't it thin for an encyclopedia?
Our bodies aren't that complicated. [hiccup] We have 10 major organs. 8 of which are stomachs.
I would have guessed all 10.
[reading from the book] Let's see. Stomach aches, Stomach flu, stomach transplants. Here we are. Hiccups. Hey! All I have to do, is drink a glass of cat juice. No problem.
Kate
Cat juice?
Well, it's kind of like orange juice, but instead of juicing an orange you squeeze juice a-
Then cover your ears. [Willie covers his ears] Cat!
You were warned. [hiccup]
Kate
There's got to be another cure.
There is, but you don't want to hear it. It's disgusting.
[ALF is reading a magazine as Kate and Brian come home]
Hey, Kate, guess what I am?
Kate
Is it something that begins with "couch", and ends with "potato"?
Cheap shot, Kate-man-du. I'm a type T personality.
Kate
Okay ALF, what is a type T personality?
According to this article, a type T is a thrill-seeker. Someone who looks for danger, who laughs in the face of death. [laughs]
Kate
This from the same person who watched the movie Aliens from under the couch?
Hey, I thought I owed one of those guys money.
Well, do you enjoy hang gliding off cliffs into rock-filled gorges?
Well let's find out. What do you say we jump off the roof. You land feet-first, you're a wimp.
Kate
No one is jumping off the roof.
Hey Kate, let me know when you let your son act like a man. Ah! Paper cut! Paper cut!
[Willie comes to the garage while ALF is looking at a train model]
Hey Willie? Is this the kind of train you used to hop?
Well, the others were bigger, of course, and they didn't run around in circles. But basically, Yeah.
Well, here's what I'd do, you see. I'd case the yard, I'd hide in a bush and wait until dark and when I saw my train was pulling out, I'd just go make a run for it.
Wow. Well did it ever get so dark, you jumped on the wrong thing? Like a bus or parade?
Ask sensible questions, ALF.
Okay. Which one is the kitchen car?
There wasn't any kitchen car. I sat in a box car. I ate beans out of a can. That's how I got my traveling name.
Wow. What a cool name! Hey can I have your autograph?
[Kate and Brian come to the garage]
Kate
Willie, are you sure you don't want to go to my mother's with us?
If dad doesn't have to go, why do I?
Kate
Because you're my son, and I can tell you what to do.
Kate
What's this?
Oh, it's my autograph. ALF wanted it.
Kate
Well we'll be back in a couple hours. Now don't get into any trouble.
Don't worry about Willie. I'll keep an eye on him.
Kate
I was talking to you.
I know. I was being playful.
Kate
Bye.
Now's our chance. Let's go down to the train yard.
No, we're not hopping any train.
I'm not talking about riding the rails. I just want to see them. Please, Willie. Pleeeease?
No, we can't. Really ALF, we can't.
Alright, tell me when this gets annoying. Yeah, yeah, you hopped a freight train, sure. Oh right. Yeah, yeah. I almost believed that. Uh huh, yeah, yeah. Look at Mr. Excitement.
Forget it, ALF. It's not working.
Okay, I'll try something else. Willie, please take me to see the trains. I haven't had an adventure in a long time. All right, maybe this will work. Willie, I'm dying. [coughs] I've only got twenty four hours to live. Twenty five, tops.
I bought the second thing you said.
Oh. Well what was it? I might want to use it again sometime.
Come on. Bring a sweater.
How many more things can there be? [ALF comes out] What was all that noise?
I don't know. As grandpa satchel used to say, "Don't look back. Something might be broken."
Kate
In this case it's my casserole dish and the cookie jar.
I'm going to see a musical.
Musicals are dumb. Out of the blue people burst into songs.
Hence the term "musical."
Yeah, but wouldn't it get on your nerves if all of a sudden I started singing: [singing] Hey, Kate, ain't it great? Hey, Willie, you look silly. Hey-
It's getting on my nerves.
See what it means? What this called?
Kate
Cats.
Take me, please! Then afterwards, we can go backstage and eat the actors!
Kate
They're not real cats; they're actors.
Yech! I'll pass. How come you're not going your mate Kate?
Kate
Well, uh- Actually, do you remember when we left you alone, and you blew up the kitchen?
Oh, yeah. I get nervous just thinking about it.
Kate
Well, I'm not going because I don't feel well. I have a fever. I have a slight fever.
Oh, let me press my lips against your forehead.
Kate
No!
You don't sound that sick. Is there something wrong between you two?
Kate
Of course not.
You wouldn't lie to the old ALFer?
Because I always tell the truth. Example, your socks are limp.
Kate
Goodbye.
Kate
Have a good time. [kisses Willie]
And those glasses make you look owlish.
Did I mention he has a funny walk?
ALF · 397 quotes
