Alright, everyone. We just got a few minutes now before the last rehearsal. So Brian, why don't you and I run over the song before Spencer gets here?
I stink. Spencer says so.
What do you care what Spencer says?
Because he laughs at me and makes me forget the words. I don't like him. He's mean.
Brian, that's not really. That's not fair. I'm sure Spencer has some very fine qualities.
That's not what you said last night.
Well, maybe an unkind word slipped in here or there.
Willie, you said the kid was fungus.
I did not. And even if I did, that's not the point.
The point is moot. The little fungus is here now.
KateOh, Lynn.
Yeah, I know. 86 the alien.
Let's go to my room. [walks away]
Kate
Forget about the salmon.
Forgotten. Why would anyone throw away the head?
Kate
Mom, since when do you bet on horses?
Kate
That's funny, I can't picture you at a racetrack.
I can picture her running! [laughs]
I wonder how long it would take to pull all the hair out of your body.
Kate
Mom, how come you never took me to a race track?
I never go to a race track. You meet an unsavory element there. I bet with a bookie.
Kate
Ah! They're not unsavory.
Forgive my ignorance, but what's a bookie?
Kate
An unsavory element.
Nick the Fish is not unsavory.
Kate
Nick the Fish?
[comes out from the kitchen] Hi Dorothy.
Kate
Willie, did you know my mother bets on horses?
So, how much did you win grandma?
Say, that's even better than last week.
Kate
Well, that's fine mom, but I mean what if you had lost?
But it's all our inheritance.
For your information, I'm planning to leave all my money to the Alien Task Force.
Sure, punish your grandchildren.
Kate
Come on, mom, let's take this stuff in the kitchen and tag it.
I'll give you a hand with these old clothes.
Yeah, I've got flyers to make.
Well, I might as well make myself useful.
Hold on Dorothy! Can you make a lot of money with this horse-racing thing only?
No problem, put me in for 50 bucks.
Where did you get 50 bucks? Have you been going through my purse again?
Yes, but that's not where I got the money. By the way you're out of Tic Tacs.
Where did you get the 50 bucks?
Rebate coupons. Anyway, if you'll just slip 50 to Mr. Fisch.
No thanks, I just brushed.
His name is Nick Mintz. And I'm not gonna place any bets for you!
I'm not doing this for me!
No, you're raising money for charity.
Oh excellent comeback Dorothy. You must know, it's for a balloon payment. Which by the way has nothing to do with a balloon.
Well I don't care what it has to do with. I am still not gonna place any bets for you. And it was a dynamite comeback.
Once again, left to my own devices.
Kate
Yeah?
Hypothetical situation. An individual places a bet with a professional bookie for a sizeable amount of money, let's say, uh, $6,000. And he loses and he cannot cover his losses. Hypothetically, what could happen to this individual?
Kate
Well, hypothetically he could have his legs broken, why do you ask?
Just making conversation.
Kate
Well, I'm glad we had this talk. [leaves]
Hold it. I haven't had my dessert.
Kate
ALF!
I know what you're going to say. I shouldn't bring treats to the table unless I have enough for everyone. Well we're in luck.
You're sure? There's a surprise in the centre.
Kate
Alf, where did you get those?
Melmac. I usually buy wild cherry, but all they had left was slug.
Kate
ALF.
What's the surprise in the centre?
I'll give you a hint. In wild cherry, it was a cherry.
Okay, more for me. You know, it's a lucky thing I found these when I was cleaning out my spaceship. A couple of more months and they would have gone bad.
Oh, they're not that stale.
Roach? Well, I think someone's been slacking off on her housekeeping.
Kate
Somebody step on it.
There it goes. Look, it has blue eyes.
Of course it does. It's a roach. Haven't you ever heard the expression, "her eyes were as blue as a roach's"?
Kate
Would somebody just squash it!
Wait a minute, Kate. This thing came all the way from Melmac. It's a unique specimen.
Kate
We already have a unique specimen from Melmac.
You're comparing me to a cockroach?
Kate
I'm going to get the spray.
But, mom, wait. I want to take it to show and tell.
Kate
It will be just as interesting dead.
No, no, here's what we should do. We should catch it. I'll build a little box. We'll put a piece of donut right in the middle. Then you guys make sure ALF doesn't get the doughnut before the roach does. Then I'll-[Kate sprays the roach with insecticide]
You mentioned something about a donut?
ALF, we are trying to figure out what to do with the roach.
Look, it's not there anymore.
Kate
Where did it go?
Maybe you didn't spray it enough.
Kate
I used half a can.
I'm going to call a donut place that delivers.
Kate
Come on everybody. We are going to find that roach.
Kate
Calm down? There is a space-roach loose in our house.
Well maybe it went somewhere to die with dignity.
Yeah, alright, ALF, you can order the donuts.
I already did. But that's not why I said, "psst."
What is all this secrecy about?
I didn't want to upset Kate.
What is it that would upset Kate?
I believe a foot-long cockroach would upset Kate. [he points] Ol' blue eyes is back. [he screeches]
Kate
Willie, big news, the Alfer's won a contest.
Yeah, oh, let's see. You won a copy of Cat Lovers Monthly?
Yeah, kinda a let down, no recipes.
I entered that publisher's sweepstakes thing. I licked all those magazine stamps, and stuck them on my entry.
You sent in all those stamps?
Well, all except redbook. It's still stuck to the roof of my mouth.
Just how many magazines did you win?
Check the front porch. [Willie opens the door] Oops.
ALF! You didn't win a contest, you subscribed to hundreds of magazines!
Oh, well, that explains this personal thank-you note from Ed McMahon.
Well here's your cappuccino.
Where's the grated cheese?
[while seeing Willie and Kate come home with groceries] Willie, Kate, I have something to tell you. This time the old ALFers really want something.
What now? 11 records for a penny?
No, this time the ALFer's one stuff for everybody. Pony rides for Bryan. Tennis lessons for Lynn. Dinner and dancing for you two and best of all for the old ALFer a toaster. I guess you didn't hear me. A TOASTER!
Did I mention that the toaster talks.
Kate
Oh, ALF, this is just a real estate promotion a free toaster for listening to a sales pitch about to vacation homes.
There may be a pony ride, but there's also a 7-hour car ride to get to this place. I'm not driving 7 hours. Sorry, ALF.
[the doorbell rings]
[the Tanners arrive at their hotel room]
Kate
Willie, this place is really nice. I'm kind of surprised.
Me, too. The hotel is great. I keep looking for the catch.
BBill
[comes in the room] Hello, you must be the Tanners, I'm Bill Lowman, sales manager for Rancho Estates.
BBill
No, no, Mr. Tanner. You were expecting the hard sell. And there is no need to worry about that.
BBill
Because after you see this slideshow, you will be begging me to sell you a home. [opens the cabinet and plays the video on TV]
Would it be okay if we look at this later?
BBill
Oh, absolutely. No problem. You know you folks should first enjoy some tennis some swimming and some fishing. And if you need me, I'll be following you in a golf cart. [he leaves]
You know, we expected a sales pitch. That's no reason why we still can't enjoy ourselves. [opens the door and gets shocked when he sees ALF] ALF!
[the Tanner family gets very shocked of seeing ALF being in the trip]
Let's clear this off. Are you or are you not happy to see me?
I stood away, in Kate's suitcase.
Kate
Oh, no. Now, I'll have my hair all over your clothes.
Take it easy, your clothes are hair free and hanging neatly in the closet back home.
Kate
What am I suppose to wear here?
Well, I love what you've got on now. Perfect for every occasion.
ALF, we trusted you to stay out of trouble.
I trusted you to get my toaster but I don't see it anywhere let alone hear it but the fact is I felt neglected. I'm a member of this family too you know. I just wanted to be with the people I love. And get that toaster.
[knocking on the door] Hey Tanner, guess what! We have adjoining rooms! Open up!
Brian, quick, you better hide ALF in the bedroom.
Alright, but don't start that slideshow without me.
[answers the phone] Hello? Dad, it's ALF.
Would you tell him to come in here if he wants to talk to me?
Dad said that you're gonna have to come in here if you want to talk to him. He says that's gonna be a problem.
[on the phone at the Ochmoneks] Oh, Willie! Willie! Willie! What have I done?
I don't know, ALF. What have you done?
Did you see Dog Day Afternoon?
GGriswald
[on megaphone] The house is surrounded. Come out with your hands up.
Please hold. Uh, no dice! I'm armed, I'm dangerous and I'm off my medication.
Hey! Hey! The cops have somebody cornered in my house!
As you may have gathered, Willie. I'm in big trouble.
You're always in trouble.
Yeah, but even on the ALF scale this one's a humdinger. I need help.
Long story short, I saw a burglar at the Ochmonek's and scared him away. Now, I'm trapped and I'm scared. Oh, the irony of it all.
Well, can't you make a run for it?
I take it you didn't see the end of Butch Cassidy either.
But you've got to do something, ALF. They might storm the house.
I've got hostages in here! Think that'll hold them? Or should I say that the hostages are nuns?
No nuns. None. [I'm coming over.
Okay, but hurry! I don't think these guys will give you much of a grace period if you catch my drift.
[hangs up the phone] ALF's trapped at the Ochmonek's.
Kate
No! You're staying here. It's too dangerous.
Yeah, you might lose your cool when the bullets start flyin'.
Bullets? There'll be bullets?
Kate
Jake, that is ridiculous. Willie, be careful.
Oh, uh, I will. By the way, how did Butch Cassidy end?
Kate
They were gunned down by the Bolivian army.
Yeah, it was really cool.
Kate
[on the phone] Hello, Hairy.
Kate
So, how is it going?
Fine, I've met a lot of nice new people who wanna kill me.
Kate
That's nice.
Oh, I'm glad you're taking it so well.
Kate
Uh, I-I really can't talk right now. We have, company.
Oh, you invited people over! Hey, hey, I wouldn't want you to stop living because I might.
Kate
We didn't invite them. They just dropped by.
Well, excuse us for being under siege.
Kate
Um. Uh, Willie hasn't forgotten about you. I'm sure we'll be seeing you soon. Okay, Hairy?
Do I have the right number?
Kate
Yes. Goodbye. [hangs up] Do I use too much rouge?
[ALF is showing Brian how to play Skleenball]
The game of Skleenball is very simple, Brian. You just sling your anchovies into your opponent's laundry basket. Aw, missed!
Do we get to eat the anchovies after the game?
No! Does Marvin Haggler eat his trunks after a fight?
Kate
[comes in] Okay, who dumped my clean laundry on the floor?
Well, ALF told me to and then we can play skleenball.
It's not nice to rat on your friends.
Kate
What's skleenball?
ALF A picture's worth a thousand words.
[the picture frame falls down]
Kate
That picture was worth a thousand dollars.
Well, maybe the frame makes it look cheap.
Kate
[picks up the ripped picture frame] I am tired of your breaking things. If this happens once more, you will be living in the garage.
From now on, I'll treat this house as if it were my own.
Kate
Treat it as if it were my house, and don't break anything! [goes inside the kitchen with the ripped picture frame] Cheap frame! [feels the ripped piece from the picture frame] I guess it can be repaired.
[voiceover] Heads up! [he rips another piece on the picture frame and Kate looks at ALF] Oops.
[Willie and Kate come to the garage and find out that ALF took most of the furniture from the house as Willie turns off the radio that ALF is listening to]
Oh, hi. Oh a housewarming gift, how nice. [he takes the pillow but Willie takes it away from him]
Kate
Who told you could bring this furniture out here?
You said I could bring something from the house.
I said something. Not everything! In all fairness, you did not make that point clear.
Kate
He did bring everything.
Well, I didn't take that hideous Statue of Liberty clock.
Kate
That clock was a gift from my mother.
Did I say hideous? I meant lovely. As lovely as your mother. [microwave dings] That must be the microwave. Brisket anyone?
Kate
FORGET THE BRISKET! ALF, I want you to take everything back into the house tonight. And I emphasize the word everything!
And I emphasize the word TONIGHT!
Kate
And if you don't, you will be living out here permanently!
I noticed you emphasized the word permanently. Wait, don't go! Please can we sit down and talk this out just give me 1 minute.
Kate
Alright, fine. Yes, you have 1 minute.
Thank you. Hey Willie, don't sit there, that's my chair.
That was my chair on the house.
Well, we're not in the house.
Kate
40 seconds.
Well that's not fair! Willie talk to penalize him.
Kate
35.
What are you mission control?
Kate
30.
30 seconds, I just had a minute half a minute ago.
Kate
Forget the minute! Just say what you have to say!
Uh, uh. No! No! I need human companionship! I don't know how I ever got along without it, but now I'm hooked. I'm a people junkie. Please don't go.
Oh, you go ahead Kate. I'll sit on here with him for a while.
Kate
Willie, what are you doing?
It seems like he really misses us.
Kate
Willie, he's got our furniture, and our brisket now he's after us!
Oh, you're right, of course. You're right. You're staying in the garage without us, and without our brisket!
Kate
Good night, ALF.
Kate, wait please! Give me another chance I know I could change just let me move back inside for 1 week and I'll prove it to you. I'll be on my best behavior!
Kate
What if during this week you don't change?
Then, Willie and I will move out here for good.
Kate
Alright you've got a deal.
Kate! I don't want to move out here.
Kate
Oh, I did mean that was part of- The deal is you stay in the house for 1 week, but if you mess up, you're history.
Hey, no problem! [the flower vase breaks] The week hasn't started yet, right?
ALF · 397 quotes
