WillieLet's just take a look at our electric bill for example it's 3 times what it used to be.
Maybe it's the porch light you leave on every time I go out.
Willie
Porch light stays.
And we've been keeping the thermostat down to 70.
And I turn off the dryer as soon as I wake up.
Willie
Well, we're just going. The, the dryer? What do you mean turn off the dryer? Why, why would you even turn it on?
To keep me company at night. Why? Is 8 hours too long?
Willie
Yes.
What if I just leave it on delicates?
Willie
Leave it off. Now, let's get back to the rest of our money problems.
No chance of your getting a better job I suppose.
Willie
I like my job. The money's fine. Who made this call to Munich? Munich, Germany?
Munich? That has to be a mistake.
Remember the vacuum cleaner I broke?
Well, the repair place said they couldn't get the chicken salad out of the impeller blade and they had to send it to Germany for an overhaul.
Willie
That doesn't explain why you'd call Germany.
Hey, I believe in following things through.
Willie
Let's move on to another problem. Food.
I'm gonna go get some cookies. [he gets up and gets some cookies]
Willie
I don't think that all of us are aware how much food costs.
We're all out of macaroons. All we got are chocolate chips.
Willie
Let alone how much food is being consumed for that matter.
[while eating] Is something wrong?
You're eating all our food!
I'm beginning to realize what this is all about. The fingers are being pointed in the direction of the furry visitor. You think I'm a parasite!
Willie
No one thinks you're a parasite.
Willie
Well, freeloader's closer.
That's what you called him last week!
Let's just settle on parasite and move on.
Fine. If you want me, I'll be in my room. Not wasting money. [walks off]
[ALF is making a cake for Willie and Kate's anniversary]
Well, it's only toothpaste. Kate, Willie, you can come out now.
[offscreen] Be right there.
[singing as Kate and Willie enter the living room] Happy anniversary, happy anniversary, happy anniversary, happy anniversary, happy happy happy happy, happy anniversary, happy happy happy happy happy anniversary!
Willie
Cut, cut, cut. what's going on here?
Lyrics too complicated? Happy Anniversary! [pop] Yeah!
Well ALF, this is all very nice.
Willie
Yes, thank you, but the only problem is-
Problems, shmoblems sit down and relax. The old ALFer's doing it all tonight.
The cooking, the serving, the cleaning, course when you two get into the bedroom, you're on your own. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge.
[walks over to Willie and Kate] What's going on?
Willie
It looks like that the old ALFer is throwing us a surprise anniversary party.
Just a little informal nothing. Lobster pate?
Aren't you two going out tonight?
Well ALF, that's what we're trying to tell you we have plans to see Nicholas Nickleby.
Willie
The tickets were very hard to get.
We appreciate all the trouble you've gone to. Cutting roses so they look like radishes.
Willie
And making pate. Good pate, too. What's in it? Let me guess. There's lobster, sour cream, but there's something else.
Willie
That's it.
The fluorescent kind. I wanted it to be special.
Don't forget, we're gonna talk about my birthday.
No problem. So, Brian, your birthday is Thursday. How old are you gonna be?
Gosh! How'd you blow out 229 candles?
Eh, blowing them out was easy. Lightning them was trouble. By the time you're half finished, your wrist is on fire. [laughs] I kill me!
Have you decided what you want on your cake Brian?
Frosting! [he and ALF laugh]
Willie
Brian, your mother wants to know what kind of decorations you want on your cake. Robin Hood, Hopalong Cassidy, Archie, and Jughead.
People mom and dad went to school with.
Willie
Perhaps those outdated examples.
Hey, what about my favorite character on the cake? Ruth, the two-headed nurse.
Willie
The 2-headed nurse?
Yeah, she was the Vanna White on Melmac, and the Betty White.
Why don't we let Brian choose his own cake decorations?
I can't decide right now.
If he hasn't decided by noon tomorrow, we go with Ruth.
Give me 5! [Brian high-fives him] Yeah!
Give me 4! [ALF high-fours him]
[ALF is dreaming in Melmac with his friends]
Hey, hey, hey! Stella! So happy birthday, Gordo.
RRick
Hey Gordon. You got a date later?
SRSkipper and Rick
He's got a date!
SStella
Alright, who gets the chili cat?
SStella
Phelonion fries, no gravy.
RRhonda
Whisker omelet, tail on the side.
SStella
Happy birthday, big boy!
I think she likes you, big boy!
RRick
She's got legs like a like a Lunar Lander.
RRick
Come on! Who are you kidding? That's who you got a date with.
Alright, I got a date with Rhonda. Why are you making such a big deal out of this?
[after ALF's dream ends, Willie wakes up ALF]
Willie
ALF! ALF, wake up! Wake up! [ALF screams as he wakes him up]
Willie
Well, you were.. You were talking in your sleep. You were shouting, you were singing!
Willie
I don't know, it was something about The Beach Boys.
Willie
No, it was that one with Rhonda in the title.
Willie
Are you okay?
I don't think so, Willie.
Willie
Well, what's wrong?
Everything. I wanna go home.
SSkip
[on the radio] Hey! Where'd you guys go? I don't have all day.
It's really him! It's Skip! Skip, Skip, can you hear me?
SSkip
[on the radio] Yeah, yeah. Hear you loud and clear. Who was I talking to before?
Oh, well, that was one of the kids.
SSkip
[on the radio] Kids? You got kids now?'
No. Well, well, they're not mine. I mean, I'm just living with them and their parents.
SSkip
[on the radio] Hi, kid.
Willie
I'm Willie, and this is Kate. Kate, say hi to Skip!
SSkip
[on the radio] I got to Hambetal, and I'm headed for Andromeda. Give me your coordinates. I'll do a fly-by. Pick you up tomorrow, about 7ish.
Oh, tomorrow? That's Brian's birthday.
Yeah, you can come to my birthday party.
Willie
Well, sure. We'd love to have you! Wouldn't we, dear?
Skip, Skip, can you maybe make it next week? I hate to miss Brian's birthday, and, Friday, the transvestites are back on "Donahue."
SSkip
[on the radio] Do what you have to do. But I know someone else who's gonna be really disappointed. Rhonda.
Rhonda? You've seen Rhonda?
SSkip
[on the radio] Seen her? She's right here. Hey, say something, sweetheart.
RRhonda
[on the radio] Hi, cutie.
Forget the transvestites. See you tomorrow! Yeah!
Here you go, Bri, bring the plates. [hands Brian the plates]
[burps] Nice meal, Kate. Even though the portions were extremely small.
Sorry, we only had one pot roast.
Guess what? The most exciting thing just happened. Scott Maynard wants to keep all of his band equipment in our garage.
You should see him, he's gorgeous.
He has darker hair. And less of it.
Anyway, dad, he's got this rock band and they keep their instruments and stuff in his garage but Scott's dad's having this garage sale tomorrow and he said that if Scott doesn't get all of his stuff out of there tonight he'll sell it off for $5, so is it okay?
Willie
Is what okay? I missed most of that.
Please, dad, he wants to come over tonight.
Yeah, tonight. In about 15 minutes, if dad says yes.
Willie
You and Lynn have a date?
We're gonna redecorate my room.
I'm sorry, ALF, we'll have to redecorate another time.
Mom, can I borrow your pink sweater?
Your father hasn't said yes yet.
Dad, Scott could have called anybody in school about this but he chose me.
Please, dad, it's just for 2 days.
Willie
I suppose Scott can keep his instruments here.
Yes. You can use the pink sweater.
Thanks. [she leaves the kitchen]
Well, guess it's just me and my swatches.
Willie
Remember the decorating rules. The decorating consists of a couple of posters maybe a coat of paint.
Boy, you would've been a lot of fun during the Renaissances.
[Willie comes to the garage and sees ALF with a piano]
Willie
ALF.
Willie
I thought the rule was you would ask before you use my tools.
Willie
Yes, you may.
See, you're still in charge.
Willie
What do you need the tools for anyway?
I'm trying to fix Scott's piano. He must have broken it when he dragged it in here.
Willie
ALF, you have to turn it on.
Willie
Didn't you learn about electronic music on Melmac?
Ancient history wasn't my best subject.
Willie
What are you doing here anyway?
Well, I wrote a poem for someone and, I wanna put it to music.
Willie
Well, as you may, or may not know many people think I am musically inclined.
Willie
I don't think I have to name names. May I see the poem? [reads a poem that ALF wrote] "Take a look at me and tell me what you see just another pretty face." It's very amusing.
Willie
"I can't get no satisfaction." Shouldn't that be I can't get any satisfaction?
[grabs the poem] Forget it, that's an old draft. Now, let's wail. Aiming something in the key of D.
Willie
May I suggest the key of E flat? It's more euphonious.
Great. We need more euphoniousness.
[the family is celebrating Willie's birthday]
Willie
To a super dad, husband, and earthling.
Willie
Thanks, thanks everyone. I'm very, very touched. Thank you, dear.
Happy birthday, darling. [Willie kisses her]
Happy birthday, daddy. [Willie hugs him]
Willie
Thank you son.
Many more dad. [Willie kisses her]
Willie
Thanks, sweetheart. Thank you, ALF. Thank- [ALF looks closely at his face as Willie gives him a kiss]
Whoa! Not bad! Still waters run deep there, William.
Willie
Okay, 1, 2, 3! [he blows the candles and everybody laughs after Willie blows the candles] What is this? The 5th year now and I fall for it every single time.
Back off there Willie Bob, let me give it a shot. [pours the water on the candles and Willie's cake]
[Willie's graduation dream]
Willie
Where am I?
DHDean Houseman
You're at your graduation.
Willie
What am I graduating from?
DHDean Houseman
This is a dream, Tanner. Its purpose is to point out how inadequate you are compared to everyone else.
Willie
That sound like fun.
DHDean Houseman
Would you mind standing off to the side? Nolan Westwood come on out and accept your diploma? Congratulations Nolan on being a successful unicyclist world traveler and New Guinea and Cape.
NNolan
Thank you here are some stamps and coins.
Willie
He is on the money to?
NNolan
Listen, I've got to go they're having a little ceremony for me back home I'm being bumped up from King to God
Willie
Congratulations Nolan.
DHDean Houseman
And now, our next recipient needs no introduction. Ladies and gentlemen, Joe Namath! Just kidding, here you go, Joe.
JJoe
Thanks, say what's going on here?
DHDean Houseman
Willie's having a dream
Willie
Hello Joe. I'm sorry to drag you into this.
JJoe
Oh hey, that's cool I've been doing a lot of dreams lately. Next week, I'm doing a Howard Cosell nightmare.
Willie
Oh gee, Joe, you've done awfully well. Say, would you would you autograph this for my son, Brian?
JJoe
Absolutely. [he signs on Willie's back] There you go.
Willie
Thanks Joe. "To Brian", "tell your mom hello."
JJoe
You know what I always think about what Kate said when I proposed to her. Yeah and that's how I got the bad knees by the way kneeling. She said Broadway she always called me Broadway she said thanks but no thanks. I'm looking for someone that's predictable and safe. So long, Willie. [leaves as he plummets]
Willie
I'm going skydiving tomorrow.
DHDean Houseman
I'm going skydiving tomorrow. You had your chance. And now it gives me great pleasure to introduce our man of the century. Someone whose accomplishments but the rest of us to shame. A person of whom it can truly be said he changed the way we look at the world. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Gordon "ALF" Shumway.
[the three men come up to greet ALF]
JJoe
Can I have your autograph?
JJoe
Oh wait till my friends see this.
Willie
ALF.
Willie
ALF.
Willie
You're the man of the century?
Yeah, what a surprise. I was happy just to be nominated, what a kick!
Willie
Well congratulations.
Thanks. Hey Willie, you never know, next century it could be you.
Willie
I don't think so. Hey, come on, don't be so negative. All you have to do is take this parachute and jump Willie.
EEveryone
Jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump. [they echo as Willie gets shocked]
[ALF and the Tanners find out about the red car]
I didn't steal it. I bought it. For Lynn.
Willie
I don't believe it.
It would've been here last week, but I held out for red.
It's true. Everybody wants red.
ALF, how did you buy this car?
I got it through my broker.
Willie
Broker? What broker?
The one I hired to sell the gold from my spaceship.
Willie
Wait, wait, wait. Let's just take this one step at a time. You bought a car?
Yes. The papers are in that envelope.
Willie
You have gold?
Had gold. All the plumbing on my ship was gold. Except for the bidet. That was platinum.
Willie
Uh-huh.
ALF, this is the most wonderful present anyone has ever given me.
Aw, you're just saying that.
No! No, I mean it. It's incredible.
Willie
[reading a letter] Schecter, Cosay, and Klein. Investment Brokers. Dear ALF, congratulations. Or should I say, congratulazione. I've sold the balance of your gold and will invest the proceeds. In that mango farm in Oxnard. All the best. Joel.
Look at this interior. [goes inside the red car]
The dashboard is burled mahogany, grown in the Ferrari family's private arboretum.
And check out these wheels.
Virgin ox. Albino virgin.
Oh, my gosh. Willie, look, a cellular phone.
Programmed for speed dialing. Come on, Willie, park your carcass on that virgin ox.
Willie
Yeah? No, no. [refuses to get inside the car] I'm not getting in that car. I can't. ALF, we're not keeping the car.
Willie
Because, it's wrong.
[mimicking] Because it's wrong. Why don't we needlepoint that into a sampler!
Willie
Look, we are not keeping a car that cost $60,000.
Willie
$90,000.
What's bugging you, Willie? Is it that your daughter drives a better car than you do?
Willie
That has nothing to do with it. We're returning this car. Call Joel.
I can't. He's in Palm Springs till Thursday.
Dad, please. I'll let you drive my car anytime you want.
You wanna see how the Gucci airbag works?
Willie
It's obvious we cannot have a rational conversation in the presence of a Ferrari.
Alright. We'll go to the kitchen.
Willie
No, we'll go into the kitchen. You stay here. Come on, Lynn. Don't touch that airbag!
Fine. I'll just preset the radio.
Willie
Joel.
[ALF comes out of the car and finds it broken]
[finds the car that ALF crashed in the garage] ALF! ALF, are you okay?
Don't worry, I'm fine. But this phone is a piece of junk. I'm gonna call Joel just as soon as he gets back from the Springs.
Willie
Forget the phone, forget Joel. You've just crashed into our garage. For the second time, I might point out!
I'm sorry, Willie, I really am. I think I might need glasses.
Willie
Glasses? I think you might need a lawyer.
Willie
May I just say to you, think it's very irresponsible of you. To take the car out on the road like this. To endanger your life and the lives of others. And to make us worry. And this sort of thing seems to be repeating itself over and over again.
There have been some fun times. Tell him, Kate.
There have been some fun times. ALF, a lot of fun times, but this isn't one of them.
Willie
Look at what you've done!
Alright, alright, calm down. Don't worry about it, Willie. I'll pay for it.
Willie
And how do you propose to do that?
Well, I'll call Joel tomorrow, I'll sell the car, and we'll use the money to fix the garage.
Willie
You'll do that? You'll call Joel?
Well, actually, it'll be Joel's assistant, because as I have mentioned, Joel is in the Springs.
That sounds fair, doesn't it, Willie?
Willie
I suppose so. I suppose it does, ALF. I'm glad you weren't hurt.
Thanks. Of course I'll want a complete physical before I sign anything. Just kidding, just kidding. [phone rings] That'll be Mrs. Ochmonek about the hedge.
Willie
The hedge?
[walks away] I'll get it.
Uh, that'll be the people across the street. Does your insurance cover front porches?
Willie
I'll be right back. Don't leave town. [leaves]
ALF, I don't think I can ever repay you for what you've done. What have you done?
Well, I ran over a few front lawns, clipped a couple of jade trees. The rest is a blur.
I'd better go see if I can help out. [walks away]
I think I'll turn in early tonight. [hides away inside the car when a light shines on him]
Yo Kate, where do you keep your casserole dishes?
The cat won't fit in the toaster. Never mind, I'll make a peanut butter sandwich, where's the blender?
Try it without the blender this time, and don't get hair in the peanut butter jar.
Willie
Yes, that's the answer. San Diego.
Fine. What was the question?
Willie
Where shall we go on vacation? I say we would should go to San Diego.
Oh, San Diego sounds fine. But, what about ALF?
Willie
We don't have to check with ALF. That's where we're going, San Diego, it's really got something for everyone. It's not just an empty slogan.
I'm sorry. Did you say I should get hair in the peanut butter, or I shouldn't?
The hair or the peanut butter?
Why don't I believe that?
Willie
Oh my gosh there having a Shakespeare festival.
Willie, there's hair in our peanut butter.
Willie
Love boat's, Bernie Koppel is playing Hamlet.
What are we going to do about-
[as grease fire starts to come out] GREASE FIRE! GREASE FIRE!
Willie
Oh, no!
[inside the kitchen] Never mind the curtains, put me out!
[the Tanners leave the trailer but they ended up staying in the trailer as a thunder booms]
Chutes and Ladders anyone?
Willie
I'll set up the barbecue, anybody hungry?
You're not going out there?
Willie
I'll cook under the awning.
Need some help bobbing for firewood?
Willie
One more word out of you, and you're not eating with us.
Right. Let the alien starve.
Willie
I think the alien could skip a meal. It might be a new experience for you! [pause] How would you like your hamburger?
Medium rare. Hold the lightning.
Willie
How would you like to be 50% hair?
You know, you're a different person when you're on vacation.
Willie
I'm just trying to make this vacation fun.
Willie
By trying to keep a positive attitude! You might do that yourself. INSTEAD OF COMPLAINING ALL THE TIME!
Well, not everyone enjoys spending their vacation in a rainforest!
Willie
We're in this rainforest because of you!
Willie
You're not voting in this.
Call the newspapers! Democracy is dead!
Willie
You wanna to go home, go! No one's stopping him!
Willie
There's the door!
You want me to go? I'll go!
Willie
Fine, go!
Fine, I'm going. [he leaves but Brian stops him]
Sorry, Brian. I have my pride.
Come on, ALF! You're not really going.
I'm out of here. I'm history! [opens a door when a thunder booms] I'm going to die! [leaves]
Willie
[walking while ALF is hugging his leg while the two began to think they are lost as they sit down on a rock] ALF, I think we'd make better time if you let go of my leg.
Just a little longer. I've been through a traumatic experience! Did I tell you how much I appreciate you saving my life?
Willie
Yes, you did ALF.
Did I also tell you that I think you're a credit to the human race?
Willie
Over and over.
Did I tell you I think you got us lost?
Willie
And then I lost, yeah.
I think we've been walking in circles.
Willie
That's because you've been holding on to my leg.
Willie
We're not lost. We're going the right way.
No, I'm pretty sure we should be going that way.
Willie
No, that is the way back to the camper.
Nope, that's the way back to the camper.
Willie
No, it's not.
Willie
Alright. Oh what's compromise, let's go that way.
No, no, no. That's where those guys live.
Willie
You got it.I'm gonna return you get my hundred dollars back.
You know, what you're absolutely right, that is the way back to the camper.
Willie
Whatever you say.
[Willie continues walking while ALF hugs his leg]
Oh Willie, I want to see this. Look. Here, the very first Christmas card we ever got.
Willie
From our good friends at the gas company.
Oh that was a good first Christmas, wasn't it? We relaxed, we stayed in bed late and-
Willie
Was too cold to get up. Our friends of the gas company turned off the heat.
[comes in the Willie and Kate's bedroom] Merry Christmas! [rattles]
Willie
He knows when we're awake.
It's the day before Christmas. I've hidden all the eggs!
Willie
ALF, we hide eggs at Easter, not at Christmas.
Oh, that's right. Christmas is when we carve the pumpkin!
While you two get these holidays straighten out, I think I'll just go make breakfast.
Not necessary. I already made breakfast. Sloppy joes and fiber glass.
I'll just go find the eggs.
Willie
Why did you make us breakfast?
Willie
What list?
Santa's. You know the fat guy that dresses in velvet. I found out that he watches everything you do right sit down and if you're naughties outnumber your nice is you don't get toys.
Willie
So you made us breakfast? Can't hurt. Oh, oh, and I've got another surprise for you.
[voiceover] Willie! Our Christmas tree!
Willie
ALF, what have you done?
I don't want to spoil the surprise.
Willie
ALF! You cut our tree in the firewood! [looks at the chopped tree that ALF cutted]
You're welcome. [rattles]
ALF · 397 quotes
