[at the end, the family opens their presents on Christmas Day]
This is great Brian, it's forgiving eye exams. Right, Brian?
No, you look into it and push the button.
It's Sylvester & Tweety! Ha! Die cat! Die! Yeah!
WillieWhat a great Christmas
Yeah and we ended up with a really beautiful tree.
Willie
It should be. It cost me $367 what with the fine I'm towing.
Who are these presents for?:
Oh, I almost forgot, a few tokens from the old ALFer.
Well, you got us presents? ALF, you can't shop. This is America, Kate. Everybody can shop. I use the catalog.
Willie
A catalog from where?
Willie
My account.
Thanks ALF. Look a staple gun.
Goodness, a rotary sander for me.
Willie
Weather stripping my my.
It is the thought that counts.
And the important thing is we're all together. Inthe words of the immortal St. Frosty the Snowman. God bless us all everyone.
[Brian uses a reef blower to blow away the opened Christmas wrappers as the episode ends]
[Kate gets ready to let her mom Dorothy go inside the house]
Mom! It's so good to see you! [closes the door] It's my mother!
Willie
Not your grandma, it's Lynn and Brian's grandma. [takes the stuff away from ALF]
What brings her out this way?
ALF! The kitchen! The kitchen! Now!
All right, Willie grab the pasta maker. [leaves]
Willie
Just GO!
[she and Brian come in the living room] Who's at the door?
They're making her stand outside.
Willie
GET OUT!
[Kate opens the door to let her mom in after ALF goes inside the kitchen]
[ALF is pounding nails on the sign in the door]
Willie
Say, why are you pounding nails in our front door?
To keep the sign from falling. Don't you know anything about gravity?
Willie
Give me the hammer.
Thanks for offering, but the job's already done. [Willie takes the hammer away from ALF]
[she and Brian come to the living room] Morning. Morning, dad.
Have you practiced the poem?
But nothing. Let's hear it.
LBLynn and Brian
Goodbye, Grandma. Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye. Goodbye, Grandma. Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye.
Maybe another "goodbye" in there.
[comes out of the kitchen with a so long bag] What's this stuff in this bag?
I prepared a little flight kit. Nothing special, just a few travel necessities. I emphasize the word "travel."
[looks inside the bag] Magazines, Kleenex, breath mints, antacids, and moist towelettes.
If she stops for anything, she might miss her plane.
Willie
How very thoughtful of you.
And, of course, the bag will come in handy in case of turbulence. Or if they show Howard the duck.
[walks up to the Tanners] Guess what! I'm not leaving.
Willie
ALF, don't be rude. [pause] Why not, Dorothy?
I could just kill Estelle. She's decided to spend a few more days with her daughter. Now, where does that leave me and all my plans? Honestly, I hate doing this. But, well, I'm gonna have to stay here a little while longer.
You know, there's a nice motel down the street. [Dorothy and the Tanners stare at him] Just a thought.
[ALF puts a clothes pin on himself and screams]
Willie
[comes in] ALF, are you alright?
Oh, yeah, everything's fine.
Willie
Why? Why do you have those clothespins attached to your head?
It's a form of acupressure. On Melmac, we use it to relieve writer's block.
Willie
Still having trouble with the script thing?
Willie
[reads the script] Scene 1, interior, living root. Interior, living root.
It's a typo. I mean, give me a break. I've only got 8 fingers.
Willie
I'm sorry. Monica enters. She says, good morning. Well, what's wrong with that?
Willie, there's no one else in the room with her. I've got the woman talking to chairs. I'll never have this finished by tomorrow.
Willie
Listen, you ought to try to relax, ALF.
Listen, you ought to try to relax, ALF. Relax? Sure, relax. I've got a deadline. I mean, I promised to put likability and warmth into these characters.
Willie
You know, I had a case of writer's block once. I was writing a term paper for my art history class. Or was it my comparative religion class?
What! Are you dictating your autobiography?
Willie
I'm trying to help here.
Willie
I can't go back in the house. There are two women in there. Who aren't speaking to each other, or to me, or to you. In fact, ALF, you've written us into this mess. Now you've got to write us out.
Alright. Alright. I will. Put on another pot of coffee. [as Willie leaves the garage, he puts another clothes pin on himself and screams again] And get some more clothespins.
[ALF is sitting on the sofa while Willie and Kate bring a box to the living room]
Willie
Watch out for that table.
Willie
I don't know how your mother's gonna get all this stuff in that little, little apartment.
Well, you've never seen the inside of her handbag.
Willie
Yes. But no heavier than other boxes you've watched us carry.
Would you mind licking this stamp?
Willie
Can't you lick that yourself?
Not with chocolate on my tongue.
Willie
Where did you get the chocolate?
It's the funniest thing. I found a whole box in the back of your closet.
Willie
I was going to give that to Kate for Valentine's Day.
Oh, Willie, that's sweet.
Willie
He ate the whole box.
Whining is not going to bring it back!
Willie, it's, it's alright. Maybe he, uh, [opens box] he did! He forgot the second layer.
Right! I only licked those! [pause] Great. Now nobody can eat them.
Willie
What's going on here?
ALF is an insurance agent.
No! Dad, ALF took a bad fall in the hot tub and we think he lost his memory.
Willie
Oh no! But we don't have a hot tub.
Well, that's a good thing Willie, we don't cover hot tubs. It is Willie, isn't it?
Willie
Yes.
Willie
I can't believe that you called the police!
What goes around, comes around.
What are we gonna do when the police come here?
Well, why don't you tell them that they're aliens, and then take their clothes?
Willie
Look, who took whose clothes? You don't know the mistake you just made!
Yeah? Well, you're the one who's making a mistake, tangling with a man from Michigan-
TThe Tanners
Life and Casualty.
Now the cops are gonna lock you up, and you'll get a taste what it's like to be a prisoner.
Willie
I already know what's like, thanks to you.
[Luis enters the Tanner's house and meets with the Tanner family]
Willie
Everybody, this is Luis Mancia. Luis, this is everybody. This is Kate, uh- This is Señorita Tanner, This is-
Willie
He saw your picture. Your school picture on my desk.
You know I hate that picture. I wish you wouldn't show it to people.
What's the matter with it?
I look like the village idiot.
Honey, you don't look anything like the village idiot.
Willie
People, people. Luis, this is Brian.
Luis, it's good to have you here.
Willie
Luis is going to stay here tonight.
Great, he can have my room, and I'll sleep in the laundry room with-
Willie
I think the couch will be fine. I think A-L-F can sleep in the garage.
Brian, why don't you show Luis Where he can wash up for dinner.
Okay. C'mon, Luis. [he leaves the living room with Luis]
Willie
ALF, we have to talk.
Just a second. Easy shot! Ha! That's exactly why the martians are extinct.
Willie
What is this?
Willie
What do they do? Crash in your garage, eat all your food, dig up your yard?
Willie
Yes, I am! Because I found my good hoe, in this condition! [holds up a pole with a bit of mangled scrap iron on one end]
Oh, yeah. Sorry. I was plowing up my garden and I hit a water main. Don't worry, it wasn't yours.
Willie
So, you're giving up gardening?
Not giving it up. Just switching crops.
Willie
Oh, to what?
Earthworms. [Willie leaves] Hey, I think I know that guy!
Just try it again. This time I'll get it.
Okay, tell me what I'm thinking.
Okay. You're thinking of the 1927 Yankees.
I'm still thinking of a fork.
But didn't one of their pitchers throw a fork ball?
Willie
Hi guys.
Willie
Oh, we're okay. Don't get up.
Guess what, Alf can read our minds.
Willie
He's not reading mine at the moment.
Yes, I am. I'm just ignoring you.
Willie
How to develop your psychic awareness in one afternoon.
Yeah. Came with a pair of these x-ray glasses.
Willie
You wasted good money on a mind reading kit?
We'll make it all back with our stock market picks.
ALF. You come from an advanced civilisation. How can you be so gullible?
You're right. I'm ashamed. Nice underwear Kate.
Oh good, everyone's here. Where's Kate?
Willie
Inside the shower.
Thanks! [exits the living room]
Willie
He might! [Kate screams from the shower] He did.
[reappears in the living room] Found her!
Willie
ALF, you don't walk into other people's showers.
I didn't walk in. I just pulled the curtain open.
Willie
I insist that you respect my wife's privacy.
Alright, alright. We're movin' on. I need to have a family meeting here. [hangs up the phone that Lynn is using]
[angrily] You do that again, you're a seat cover!
ALF, that was very rude hanging up the phone like that.
You're right. I'm sorry. You look a little different today.
Did you used to have a moustache?
Yeah but didn't you used to have a moustache too?
ALF, what do have to say that's so important?
Willie
You better not be finished.
I wasn't. Tomorrow is the 2nd.
Hey wait, wait. Come here. Come back here. Every 75 years on March 2nd, I go through a complex physiological and psychological transformation.
I go goofy. All Melmacians go through it. From sunrise to sunset my personality will change dramatically.
Willie
How dramatic is this change?
One never knows till it happens. But expect the unexpected. Wildly erratic behavior, personality shifts. The main thing is that I'll do anything to get out of that cage and get my hands on a cat. Any questions?
Willie
I have one.
Willie
What cage?
Oh, ah, the cage you're going to build for me. The one with the reinforced sides.
[the Tanners prepared a cage for ALF]
Well, I guess it's that time.
Thanks Brian. Now remember Willie, you are not, I repeat not to let me out of here under any circumstances. Is that clear?
Willie
Yes.
Good. [he enters the cage] Good, now let me out. I have to use the little aliens room.
Willie
Oh sure.
What are you doing!? Are you crazy? Didn't I say not to open this door under any circumstances?
Willie
Well I thought, I thought you really had to go.
You have a lunatic on your hands here. You got to be prepared for all kinds of diabolical tricks.
Willie
Okay, okay.
You know, maybe I should go, just to be on the safe side.
Willie
Forget it.
Good. You're finally catching on. Now, now let me out I have to go.
Willie
Ha, ha, no.
[ALF howls]
Willie
That's just another one of his tricks.
Help! Help! Fire! Somebody let me out.
Ohh, there's a big rat in here.
Willie
Badly.
[in Lynn's voice] Mom, Dad, get me out of here.
Lynn, that sounded just like you.
Excuse me but this is really weird. I can't watch.
[in Brian's voice] Wait for me. Wait for me.
Willie
Oh Brian, you better go to your room too. This could get out of hand.
[in Willie's voice] This could get out of hand! This could get out of hand!
Willie
It's going to be a long night.
[Brian is locked inside the cage by ALF in the middle of the night]
[inside the cage] Mom! Dad! Mom! Dad! Let me out!
Willie
Oh boy, he does a good Brian.
You'd hardly know it was ALF.
[inside the cage] It's me, it's really me!
Willie
Nice try.
Honey, maybe it is Brian.
Willie
But that can't be. Brian's in bed.
Willie
Not you. Brian!!
Honey, honey, it looks just like Brian.
Willie
Maybe ALF can change his shape, too.
[inside the cage] No he can't. It's me.
Willie
Alright, alright. If you're really Brian what's your favorite food?
Willie
Uh, that's ridiculous.
No, no, no, that is his favourite food.
Willie
I thought it was Lynn liked spaghetti.
Willie
No?
Willie
Say, what's your favourite food?
I don't know. White boiled potatoes.
Willie
I thought you liked spaghetti.
Willie
Alright?
Willie! Willie, I'm going to open this cage.
Willie
No wait. What's your mother's maiden name?
Willie
Well, you know it's the name she had before she was married.
Willie
No, her other name. Her last name.
Willie
Are you all right?
Willie
Brian, why?
He told me the change was over. I'm really sorry.
Oh, honey, it's alright. But what were you doing up in the middle of the night?
I thought I wanted some milk. Maybe it was ALF was trying to call me in my mind.
Willie
No, I don't think so, Brian.
The gate to the Ochmoneks' is wide open.
Willie
Oh, no. Lucky's over there. I'm going to go next door and see if ALF is there. You stay here in case he comes back.
Oh, well, you'd both better go back to bed.
Alright, alright, we'll stay up and have a snack. What would you like?
LBLynn and Brian
Spaghetti. White boiled potatoes.
[as there is a knock on the door, Trevor goes downstairs to wake up Raquel]
Hey, Raquel! [Raquel snores] Raquel!
Oh, oh, was I snoring again?
I'm coming, I'm coming. Keep your shorts on.
Who could that be at this time of night?
It's probably the airport asking you to keep it down. Alright, alright, alright. Hey, Tanner.
Willie
[comes in Trevor and Raquel's house] Trevor. Hi Raquel.
Willie
I'm sorry to bother you this late at night but, I just came over. I was hoping I could get Lucky. I mean Lucky, our cat.
Oh. At this time of night?
Willie
Well, we were worried about him. It's his first night away from home.
Yeah, I had a feeling. Raquel, get the cat.
I can't go near that cat. You know it makes my feet swell.
Oh, yeah. Then you'll be wearing my shoes again. I'll get the cat. [walks away]
Willie
I'm sorry, Raquel.
That's all right. Willie, can I get you something? I just bought one of those international coffees.
Willie
No!
Something without caffeine?
Willie
No, no. No I don't need anything from the kitchen.
I can't find the little fella anywhere. [noises from the kitchen] Hey, what's going on in the kitchen? [he and Raquel head to the kitchen]
Willie
[whispers] ALF.
How long do you preheat these for a cat?
Willie
Give me that! [ALF laughs but he leaves as he gives the toaster oven to Willie who laughs at it]
Willie
This toaster oven. Is it a toaster, or is it an oven? [laughs]
Willie
Haven't you ever felt the need to just hold something?
I just found the strangest thing. An open can of minestrone in the kitchen.
Willie
Oh, that was probably the cat.
Willie
It's amazing, I know. We're trying to get him on Letterman.
That better not be my cologne.
Here kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty.
Willie
ALF, we're going home.
Willie
No!
Alright. Who needs him? There are a million cats out there! Give me your car keys.
Willie
ALF, we're going to go home, right now!
Willie
I'll buy you another one.
You got that right. [lawn mower starting] Raquel, that sounds like your riding mower.
Willie
Oh, no.
Hey, where are you going with my toaster oven?
Or in the words of Dustan, "It ill-becomes us to jest at a fallen potentate and still less before he has fallen."
Willie
Say, how much longer are you going to do this?
Well, if I may quote Porky Pig, "G'b, g'b, g'b, g'b, that's all, folks!" And speaking of Porky (sniffs the air) do I smell bacon?
Willie
No.
Willie
I thought you spent the whole night eating, eating cats.
I don't think I did. At least, I don't feel bloated. But now that you mention cats, I do remember storing something in the garage.
Willie
The garage? You, this way. [he and ALF head to the garage] If you've stolen any cats, they're going back immediately. Do you understand?
[ALF and Willie enter the garage but they discover that there is a tiger inside]
Willie
I'll take him back right after breakfast.
ALF · 397 quotes
