[Lisa is at the firing squad.]
EEl Captain
Ready... aim... fire! (One shot goes off.)
What happened? How come I haven't been shot?
EEl Captain
Oh, you see, we only use blank bullets.
Blank bullets? Oh, I should have guessed. You guys are always trying to rip us tourists off. Well, I won't stand for it! I paid for a real firing squad, not one that uses blank bullets. Now, look, when little Sally went on her French Revolutionary tour, they did it right.
[El Captain begins to look annoyed.]
They guillotined her and they got a plastic surgeon to sew her head back on. They sewed it on backwards, but it doesn't matter. She still gloats over it about me, and I told her that my South American junta would be better than hers. So we're gonna do it again, and we're gonna do it right!
EEl Captain
ALRIGHT! Alright, firing squad. Live ammo, load up! Ready... (to Lisa) You wanna go through with this?
Get on with it before I get really mad and I'll report you to someone higher than you and you'll get it--
EEl Captain
AIIIM... (to Lisa) This is your last chance.
Don't interrupt me, don't even ask me again, okay?
EEl Captain
FIRE! (Lisa gets shot.)
Now that's better. (She falls to the floor.)
[Lisa is pulling balloons out of a cereal box.]
Hey, Mom, this is great. The free balloons in the box of Coco Flakes are already blown up.
Well, that's right, dear. You see that way, they don't have to put as much in the package. Now...
[She pours a single corn flake from the box.]
Okay, if whoever stole those exams is not going to fess up, then I am going to turn that light out and I turn the light back on, I want to see those exams on my desk.
[He flips the switch and the lights go out. He flips the switch again, but the lights don't go back on.]
Okay, you will also return the light bulb.
[We hear a clatter.]
[An Opposite Sketch. A young man comes in wearing a trenchcoat, hat and sunglasses, carrying a violin case]
Hey Kevin! Come here. Where do you think you're going with that? [points to the violin case]
I'm gonna go shoot up the neighborhood, Dad.
[Kevin opens the violin case to reveal a machine gun]
I thought you were going to some boring violin lesson or something like that. Go on. Have fun!
All the world's a stage and all the men and women merely players, which is why us actors get paid so little.
Get on with it or I'll get one of those other actors to do your intro for ya!
As you may have guessed, this week on You Can't Do That On Television, we're gonna serve up a cultural feast, so get your ketchup ready.
Our writers claim that they are true creative artists. I mean, when they start a script, they say they have no idea how it's going to end. But I think that after all these shows we can probably tell them. Everybody altogether...
CCChristine and the Crew
Lousy.
[Christine gets hit with water]
Now wait one second! Just wait one second! I didn't even say "water"!
[Ross is holding a cue card, which a crew member is writing the word "WATER" on and underlining.]
Oh, no. No, that's written on this cue card, and that's all it takes!
Boy, those guys sure are quick to get their revenge.
[Lance is watching television as Martin enters]
Can you write a note to my teacher explaining that our TV set is busted?
Well, our TV isn't busted. Now shut up, Martin, I'm trying to watch the fight.
Dad, if our TV set isn't busted, I have to write a homework assignment on the opera that just started on PBS.
(quickly grabbing a pad and pencil) What's your teacher's name?
[Cut to the classroom, where Martin hands the note to Mr. Schidtler.]
Well, this is amazing. Must be an epidemic. All you kids come from homes where the TV set broke down last night.
(Looking at a sculpture of The Thinker)
I wonder what he's thinking about, anyway.
I don't know, but he's probably thinking about where he left his pants.
[An Opposite Sketch. Kevin and Lisa are watching TV in the bedroom, and there are some near-erotic sounds coming from the TV, in Kevin and Lisa's voices: "Oh, Kevin!" "Oh, Lisa!" Suddenly there's a knock at the door]
Lisa, have you got that television set on in there?!
Well then, what's going on in there? I heard voices.
I've got a boy in here with me!
Well, that's okay then. Just don't let me catch you with that television set on.
Right, Mom! [To Kevin] We've got her mad now; I guess we'd better turn it off!
Just as it was getting interesting!
Listen, I know you're kind of new to this, so if you have any questions, just ask me.
Well, there is one thing I'd like to ask you.
How do they make that slime they're always dumping on you?
Oh. Well, first they take some wa-- some liquid, and then they add some flour, some Jell-O powder, sometimes some soap. Then they dump it all over me.
(looking up) Where do they dump it from?
Actually, Vanessa, I've always wondered that too. I just don't know.
(Christine is slimed.)
Very interesting. Is it always green?
Well, yeah, usually it is, but I guess it could be red,
(Christine is red slimed.)
(Christine is blue slimed.)
(Christine is yellow slimed.)
Yeah. All right, you think you're so smart, let's see stripes!
(Christine is striped slimed - green, red, blue and yellow all at once.)
(also covered in slime.) Gee, it must be tough being a TV star. By the way, how do you get this stuff out?
Well it usually washes off with water.
(Christine and Vanessa are drenched.)
All right class, for homework tonight, I want you to watch Magnum P.I., Dallas, Hill Street Blues, and Fame. All right, class dismissed.
Wow, what a lousy homework assignment.
I think it's a terrific homework assignment.
But you know I never do my homework. Now I'll have to miss my favorite TV programs.
