You Can't Do That on Television Season 5 quotes

[voiceover, over the show's logo] You Can't Do That On Television has been an Unfriendly production.

[voiceover] You can say that again.

[voiceover] You Can't Do That On Television---

[voiceover] Oh, shut up!

"The Twilight Zone Gets Redeveloped" will not be seen at this time in order that we may present the following unnatural program.

You Can't Do That On Television has been brought to you by the people who bring you ghosts, goblins, and things that go bump in the night. We now return to our irregularly scheduled program, "The Making Of Michael Jackson's Filler".

You know, the producers of this show collect something... idiots.

"Hobby Days" will not be seen at this time in order that we may bring you the following collection... of garbage.

You know, the producers on this show, they collect things, too... idiots.

Show and tell next week, and we will feature collections. Oh, and by the way, you will each have ten minutes.

Alright! I collect insects!

I collect coins.

(surprised) Oh, um, I have to collect my thoughts.

Your thoughts, Lisa? What are you going to do during the other nine and a half minutes?

Must drive you crazy having to torture kids all day long.

And you know, kid, sometimes it does get to me.

Well, why don't you take up a pastime of some sort?

I had one. Oh, I loved it. I used to hunt wolves but I had to give it up.

Well, why? What happened?

It was becoming addictive.

Addictive? How could hunting wolves be addictive?

Well, I was up to two packs a day. [laughs] Hey, either you laugh or you hang here for the rest of your life.

You know, Christine, I was thinking...

That's odd.

Christine, say you're hobby is swimming. Well, what kind of substance would you be moving through?

Oh no you don't!

Oh, come on! That's not fair! I didn't even say that substance at all!

Yes, you did, Moosie. You see, we have a new stagehand, and he's French, and "eau" is the French word for wa--

Hey, Christine, we've been talking an awful lot about hobbies. You collect anything?

Oh, yeah, sure, Ross. I collect stamps. Say, do you want to see my stamp collection?

See your stamp collection? Sure.

That's the stamp that Lisa gave me when I told her she had a really big mouth. [She stamps on Ross' foot again.] And that's the stamp Vanessa gave me when I told her there would be no extreme close-ups of her on this week's show...

Since this show is about hobbies, I thought this would be a good time to mention that a lot of kids, whose hobby happens to be cooking, have written in asking for the recipe for green slime. For some strange reason. Well, there's sort of a problem because I don't know the recipe for green slime--

You know, they're getting sneakier and I'm getting dumber all the time.

"The Six Wives Of Henry The Eighth" will not be seen at this time. In its place, we present another show you can lose your head over.

This episode of You Can't Do That On Television is now history. Thank goodness.

"The Smurfs Meet Godzilla" will not be seen at this time so that this station can test its emergency warning system by airing an alarming program. For total disaster, please stay tuned.