Alasdair: Did you go out trick-or-treating?
Lisa: Actually, no, I just took my little sister around, but it's funny, I got more treats than she did!
Alasdair: Why, what were you wearing?
Lisa: Well, nothing special, just my gray pants and...
Christine: Oh, well that explains it, then.
Lisa: Explains what?
Christine: Well, you were probably the best imitation of an elephant they'd ever seen.
Lisa: Oh, Christine?
Christine: Yes, Lisa?
Lisa: Did you go out trick-or-treating?
Christine: Actually, no, I just stayed home and helped to hand out the treats.
Lisa: I thought so.
Christine: What do you mean?
Lisa: All night long I kept hearing about the "witch" on your street!

Ben: What's your ambition in life?
Doug: To grow up big and strong.
Ben: Oh, you mean like me?
Doug: No!
Ben: Better watch it, Doug, or you'll never live to fulfill your ambition!
Lisa: Ben, don't talk to Doug like he was a dog! Christine will get very jealous.
Christine: Oh, Lisa?
Lisa: Yes, Moosie?
Christine: Was it always your ambition to become an actress?
Lisa: Why, yes it was.
Christine: What went wrong?

Christine: [Lisa is still unable to talk and can only communicate through writing notes; reading Lisa's note] "My link is the introduction to the commercials, and if we don't have any commercials, we don't get paid." ... Oh, I get it! It's time to test the audience voting device again! Okay now, everybody who wants to see Lisa get her voice back and watch some commercials so I can get paid, go ahead and touch the green square on the bottom of your screen. Touch now!
[The vote fails. Lisa writes Christine another note.]
Christine: [Reading note] "Try something more imaginative." ... Oh, I know! Eugene, come here, sit down.
[Eugene Contreras walks over and sits down]
Christine: Now, all of you who want to see something really horrible happen to Eugene here, and see Lisa get her voice back and watch some commercials so I can get paid, touch the green square on the bottom of your screen.
[The vote fails again.]
Christine: Okay, I've got it this time. Now, all of you who want to see something really horrible happen to Eugene, and see Lisa get her voice back and watch some commercials so I can get paid, and see Vanessa... where's Vanessa?
[Vanessa Lindores walks over and sits down]
Christine: And see Vanessa here get hit with water, just touch the...
[Christine is drenched.]
Christine: ...green square on your screen!
[This time the vote passes. Vanessa is hit with water, and Lisa laughs out loud.]
Christine: Wait a minute! What about the something really horrible that was supposed to happen to Eugene?!
[Eugene gets a pie in the face.]
Lisa: And now it's time for the commercials!

Christine: [putting a curse on Ross] Tongue of dog, wing of bat. Toe of frog, tail of rat. Sure as kids like a video arcade, it's gonna rain on your parade.

Christine: Hey, Adam?
Adam: Yes, Christine?
Christine: Have you noticed that lately Lisa's been hanging out a lot?
Adam: Yeah, I know. Lately I've seen her hanging around the shopping mall, the video arcade...
Christine: No, no, that's not what I mean. I mean she's been hanging out, like over her belt, and over the top of her shirt, and...
Lisa: Are you finished?!!
...
Christine: Hey, Lisa?
Lisa: What?!
Christine: Listen, I'm sorry about that joke about "hanging out." I didn't make it up, you know, I just recite my lines.
Lisa: ...Yeah, I know.
Christine: You know, sometimes I wish we could just stop making jokes about peoples' bodies. They're stupid, I mean, why can't we joke about something else, like, you know, personality?
Lisa: But Christine, how can we make jokes about something you don't even have?
Christine: LISA!!!
Lisa: Christine, I'm just reciting my lines.

Christine: Hi, and welcome to an episode of You Can't Do That On Television that'll really turn your head, and probably your stomach.

Christine: Okay, all of you who want to hear nothing but silence coming from Lisa Ruddy...
Lisa: Oh please, oh please, I know I must have a fan out there somewhere, if you write me I'll say your name, oh please, oh...
Christine: ...Please touch the green square now!
Lisa: Oh please, oh please, oh...
[The audience "votes" for Lisa to lose her voice. Lisa immediately shuts up.]
Christine: Aww, too bad Lisa, I guess all your fans were out to lunch today!
[Lisa holds up a sign that says, "I'LL GET YOU MOOSE!"]

Christine: You know, the producers of this show collect something... idiots.

Christine: [introducing the show, dressed in a heavy overcoat and hat] I would just like to show you how the weather affects our lives - for instance, the clothes we wear. In the winter, we have to bundle up because we're suffering through that freezing cold! And then... [takes off overcoat and hat to reveal that she has on a red raincoat] comes the spring... with its soft spring rains. And then... [takes off raincoat to reveal that she is wearing a one-piece bathing suit] THE SCORCHING HEAT OF SUMMER!!!
Angry Crew Member Offscreen: CUT IT OFF!
Ross: [walks up to Christine with a bathrobe, which he uses to cover her up] Christine! What are you doing?!
Christine: Well, Ross, I'm introducing the show. I thought that since it was about weather, I'd just, uh... [laughs sheepishly]
Ross: Do you realize what the Censor Board would say about this? Do you want them to take this show off the air?
Christine: [laughing and grinning wickedly] Yes.

Christine: Oh Eugene, look! They put up the name of the foster child the school adopted.
Eugene: Oh yeah, he's from the Philippines.
Christine: Yeah. Do they ever have weird names there. Look at this... "AI DO KNO".
Eugene: Don't you know anything about the Philippines? The A is silent, The O is pronounced O and the K is silent. His name is "I don't know".
[Eugene is slimed]
Christine: You're new on this show, aren't you Eugene?

Christine: You know, Lisa Ruddy always reminded me of a fossil.
Lisa: Well thank you very much, Christine. You mean you think I make a lasting impression?
Christine: Well, there's that, and there's the fact that your head is as hard as a rock.

Lisa: Ross, thank you very much for the Christmas bonuses.
Ross: It was nothing.
Christine: Almost!

Lisa: (at Barth's) Alasdair, where's Stephanie Chow? Wasn't she supposed to meet us here?
Barth: (sets plates of food in front of Lisa and Alasdair) Here's your chow!
Lisa: Oh Barth... you didn't!
Barth: What are you talking about?
Alasdair: You, putting poor little Stephanie Chow in the burger mix! That's murder!
Barth: Oh, you mean the new kid, the little Chinese girl? I couldn't put her in the burger mixture!
Lisa: I knew even you wouldn't do something like that.
Barth: Of course not! I don't serve Chinese food! And besides, there's not enough meat on her bones to even bother with. (Stephanie then turns up beating frantically on Barth's chest, trying to free herself from his grasp)

Lisa: You know Alasdair, Snakeeyes is an amazing driver. Through snow, sleet, wind or hail, we have never been late for school.
Alasdair: And isn't it amazing that it's only on the way home from school that his brakes fail, he runs out of gas, he loses the keys, he gets stuck in the snow, he gets pulled over by the cops...

Marjorie: Lisa, you weren't in school yesterday. Why? Were you sick?
Lisa: No, no, yesterday was a Jewish holiday.
Marjorie: Yeah, but you're not Jewish.
Lisa: I know that, but the man that my mom just married is, so we get all the Catholic holidays and all the Jewish holidays.
Marjorie: Hey, that's a great idea! As soon as I get home, I'm going to tell my mom to get divorced and marry someone of a different religion! That way I can have two sets of holidays!
Lisa: Yeah, and just think, if your parents both marry someone of a different religion, just think of all the holidays you'd get! No more school!
Marjorie: YEAH! [the girls both giggle hysterically]