You Can't Do That on Television Season 7 quotes

"The A-Team Blows Up The Land Of Oz" will not be seen today in order that we may bring you something more unbelievable.

What's the matter, Mom, why are you screaming?

I'm screaming because of the beatles!

I know the Beatles were a great rock group, and people used to scream at their concerts, but that was a long time ago! Besides, you're not playing any of their music.

No, I'm not screaming because of those Beatles, I'm screaming because of those beatles! (points at some real beetles on the floor. Adam screams and gets on the chair as well.)

Now I'm telling you, Alanis, the rolling stones really do live in there.

Alanis

The Rolling Stones? Are you sure?

Yeah. Now come on, let's get out of here, this is dangerous.

Alanis

[running up to the front door] Are you kidding? And miss a chance at getting their autographs? Oh, that Mick Jagger is such a hunk... I can't wait to see them... [rings the doorbell]

[trying to stop Alanis from ringing the bell] Wait a minute! ... I don't mean THOSE Rolling Stones, Alanis!

[getting crushed by the giant rocks] I mean THOSE rolling stones! AAAAHHH!

Okay, what do we call (the band)?

Beats me.

No, I don't really like the sound of that. Adam, do you have any ideas?

I'm thinking, I'm thinking...

No, no, Adam, that's too intellectual. Alanis, you must have a good idea?

Alanis

I don't know.

Alanis

[angrily] Alasdair, you did that on PURPOSE! Now I will hate you.

No! Alanis, no, really, it didn't have anything to do with me. I just forgot to tell you that on this show you can't say "I don't know," or you'll get slimed---

Wait a minute, I've got a great idea! Why don't we call our group the Green Slimes? [shaking Alasdair's hand] Put 'er there, buddy!

Swell. [to Alanis] You okay?

"Bruce Springsteen Gets Laryngitis" will not be seen at this time in order that we may bring you the following off-key program.

I'm starving! Are these berries edible?

Vanessa, those are gooseberries. Of course they're edible. They're full of Protein and Vitamin A.

Boy, I sure am glad I got stuck in the woods with an expert like you!

[Laughing] Of course, silly me! I should have noticed the deep red coloring sooner. This is obviously Deadly Nightshade! Highly poisonous. Boy, do I feel dumb.

"Mister Wizard Explains The Universe" will not be seen at this time. In its place, we bring you a program no one can understand.

Alanis

If there's one thing I know, it's how to get attention at parties.

Alanis, if you won't go to the network party with me, I'll just have to kill myself, that's all.

Alanis

Oh Alasdair, how touching. I really want to help you... all right.

You'll come?

Alanis

No, I'll go.

Great!

Alanis

I'll go see if I can find my father's gun.

All right Adam, I want you to copy pages 7 to 9,742 in this dictionary.

Sir, you can't make me stay here! It's my birthday today! I'm having guests over, a big party, a cake, everything!

Oh. Your birthday, you say? Well, in that case, I might let you off...

Oh, thank you, sir...

I said, might let you off, if you hadn't used that excuse at least 15 times this year, and I don't remember how many times last year. Do you think I'm stupid? I'm not falling for that again.

But sir, it really IS my birthday today!

Do you think that I'm an idiot? If you'd had as many birthdays as you've claimed in the last couple of years, you'd be... 75 years of age.

("old man" voice) Well, how clever of you to work that out, sir! I'm actually 75 today! And you wouldn't put an old man through detention, would you? (clutches his chest as though he were having a heart attack) My heart can't take it.

(rushes to help Adam out of his seat and to the door) Oh! No! Easy, sir! Come along now... oh, by the way, happy birthday.

("old man" voice) Thank you, young lad!

And many happy returns, sir. Bye-bye!

(leaving detention room) Bye!

And have a good day.

Children! We're home from the convention!

Hi kids!

Oh no! We weren't supposed to be having a party! Quick, clean up!

They'll kill us!

(sees mess) HEY! Whaaaat's been goin' on here?!

Well...

Some... some... some bunch of burglars broke in here and tied us all up, and then they went really wild and crazy and had a party!

And... and you should have seen the Pin the Tail on the Donkey game! It was terrible!

Oh, no! Are you kids all right?

Well, we're kind of in shock right now.

Okay, listen - I am gonna call the police.

Alanis

Dad, don't be too hard on them, you know, just because they didn't clean up the place.

Oh, don't you worry, Alanis. Those burglars are going to get their just deserts. You see (holds up fish bone), those burglars ate some salmon that was contaminated with food poisoning, and they are all going to be very sick any minute now.

"Mr. T Goes To A Tupperware Party" will not be seen at this time in order that we may bring you this after party mess.

"Garbage Of The Rich And Famous" will not be seen in order that we may dump on you the following load of garbage.

Yuck! Oh, however am I going to get rid of all this oven grease?!

You need the Jiffy Genie!

Oh, Jiffy Genie, can you get rid of all this oven grease?

In a flash, ma'am!

[Voiceover] Yes, with Jiffy Genie, you'll never have oven grease again!

[To camera] You'll never have an oven, period!

This itching is driving me crazy!

Me too. I wish there were something we could do to get rid of it.

Itch no more! He-Man Foot Powder is here! It'll not only cure the itch, but your feet will smell like a rose.

Just what we've been looking for!

OW! This kills!

But has the itching stopped?

Yes, the itching has stopped, but now our feet hurt from the thorns!

And they smell like roses! [To the camera] He-Man Foot Spray! Ya can't take it, yer not a man!