You Can't Do That on Television · Season 3, Episode 4
[Doug enters the living room wearing a kilt]
Ha! When I was your age, I wouldn't have been caught dead wearing a skirt!
It's not a skirt, it's a kilt. And when you were my age, probably all you had to wear was dinosaur skins.
Actually, they were saber-toothed tiger skins. Dinosaur skins went out with the caveman.
[An Opposite Sketch. In this sketch, Christine, Lisa and Doug lean in progressively closer toward Kevin, who is wearing a leather jacket, and finally are leaning in so close that he falls out of his desk.]
Look whose Mommy didn't make him wear a sailor suit to school!
...Who dresses like a punk!
...Who isn't Mommy's little darling!
...Who's not a big sissy!
"Fred Sanford, The World's Best Dressed Man" will not be seen at this time in order that we may bring you the following tasteless program.
[Christine enters the studio]
Where do you think you're going?
To do the introduction to the show.
You can't do that on television!
Yeah, that's the show, alright.
Anyway, what do you think of fads and fashions? I thought this would be the perfect chance to take the roving camera to Paris to find out. No such good luck. They sent me to Massapequa, Long Island instead.
[wearing a giant beanie] When I was your age, Dougie, we all had these hats. We called them beanies.
Is that why so many men your age are bald now, Dad? Did the propeller blow all their hair off?
Whaddaya mean, "bald"? GO TO BED!
Christine, have you ever tried the water diet?
No, what's that-- Oh, you drink all the water you want...
No, you don't exactly drink it.
(realizing something) Oh no...
[Christine gets drenched.]
Christine, the wet look is in. Oh, you got it this time.
Moose, I am getting out of here! This studio is haunted! I just seen three ghosts!
Ross, don't be silly. There's no ghosts in here.
Oh no? What do you call them?
[Doug, Kevin, and Lisa enter in ghost sheets.]
That's just Kevin, Lisa, and Dougie in some latest Paris fashion.
[in a ghostly voice] Noooooooo.
What do you mean, "Noooooooo"? It is you, isn't it, Lisa?
Well, yeah, it is, but it's not the latest fashion from Paris, it's the latest from New York. They call it the Amityville Horror look.
Isn't there any fashion too ridiculous for you guy to wear?
I don't know.
[All three get slimed]
Gotcha.
When I get cleaned up, McGlade, I'm gonna come back and haunt you!
[The dungeon. Kevin is in a diving suit.]
I don't see why you're going through all this trouble just to get me dressed up in the latest fashion. No one ever sees me when I'm chained up down here.
Who said anything about fashion? No, no, this is for your own good. you see, they're gonna drain the moat right into this dungeon--
[The sound of water running can be heard as Nasti quickly puts a mask on Kevin]
Have a nice swim! See ya round! [runs off]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's You Can't Do That on Television pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
