S1 E20 Hey, I Can Pee Outside in the Dark
Granted, I have no idea what's it like to be an eleven-year-old boy, but I do know one thing, sweetheart. You have no idea what real unhappiness is. Real unhappiness is being totally ignored by the very people you gave birth to! Real unhappiness is when you're recovering from liposuction and your only grandson doesn't even send you a get-well card. And FYI, I only had that surgery so you wouldn't have a grandmommy with matronly upper arms.
Well, if he didn't need a shrink before, he needs one now.
[Jake is upbeat after several days of being sullen]
If I didn't know better, I'd swear he got laid last night.
I hope you don't mind, but I talked to him before he went to sleep last night.
I said: "Drink this bottle of prune juice". You feed him nothing but pizza and pancakes! It's a wonder his eyeballs are still in their sockets.
Hey, if you listened to me in the first place, you wouldn't be in this mess. I'm the one who told you not to marry her.
You're also the one who told me that if I jumped off the garage roof with a bath towel tied around my neck, I could fly to school.
The one time you listen to me.
Let me tell you another thing: if I hadn't married Judith, there would be no Jake.
I didn't say you couldn't knock her up!
Yeah. Like every other time Judith screwed me.
What happened? I'll tell you what happened. My settlement conference turned into a drive-by colonoscopy.
Charlie Harper. Hey, didn't you used to date Superman?
LL Lara Lang
That's Lana Lang. She was Superboy's girlfriend. And guys have been using that tired old line on me since the fifth-grade.
LL Lara Lang
My point is, if Mrs. Harper tries to make an issue out of your lifestyle, we need to be prepared.
What's wrong with my lifestyle?
Oh, no! We are not going down that road at $300 an hour!
LL Lara Lang
Relax, Alan. [to Charlie] I'm going to have to know every possible thing they can use against us, every skeleton in your closet.
So, what, you want to know about my sex life?
LL Lara Lang
Your sex life, your drinking, gambling, partying...
Yes, but I-- I hung up before I said the bad stuff.
Yeah, she does the same thing to you.
Um... remember, we have Jake's "session" first.
Oh, man, I thought you didn't want him to go back to that quack.
I didn't, but Judith and I... talked, and we decided that what I want makes no difference whatsoever.
I am not whipped! I just-- I'm just trying to keep everybody happy.
I am not "meow-fitchooed".
You're right. It's been a long time since you got any "meow".
My doctor has a cow puppet.
[On Jake's therapy session] It's a small price to pay to avoid aggravating Judith.
The fact that your drawing breath aggravates Judith!
S1 E23 Just Like Buffalo
K Kathleen
You have a girlfriend yet?
No, I'm a bachelor like my Uncle Charlie.
So you're never gonna get married?
No, as long as I got someone to clean my house and some action on a regular basis, I don't need a wife.
I don't want to give anybody half my stuff.
Your sexist, manipulative attitude toward women just got into Jake's head, and he spewed it out in front of his mother's angry women's support group!
Wait a minute, wait a minute. Is it a women's support group that's angry, or a support group just for angry women?
What difference does it make?
Well, if they were already angry, then I'm less culpable.
S1 E24 Can You Feel My Finger?
Why don't you just get snipped?
Well, then, say "vasectomy". Don't say "snipped"!
What's wrong with "snipped"?
It's demeaning. "Snipped" is what you get for twelve bucks at Supercuts.
Fine. Why don't you get a vasectomy?
I've considered it. In fact, a couple of years ago, I believe there was a petition circulating.
I'm not a particularly religious guy, but clearly, a power much greater than myself wants me to knock somebody up someday.
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