Two and a Half Men · Season 1
[Alan and Charlie find Frankie beating up her psychiatrist's car with a baseball bat]
You got a nice swing.
Thanks!
Try stepping into it. You'll get more power that way.
You mean like this? [she knocks one of the side mirrors off]
Oh, yeah! Dial one and the area code, 'cause that is long-distance!
Frankie [to Alan]: Man, deep tissue massage, pancakes... If you had a TV on your forehead and could breathe through your ears, you'd be perfect!
I'm sorry, there's just been a lot of stuff going on.
Yeah, I just met your brother's latest "stuff".
Why do you assume it's his stuff?
What, is it yours?
No, but it's not his either!
But it could be.
Says who?
Says your ex-wife!
[Frankie and Alan kiss, and Alan starts crying]
What's the matter?
I don't know! It's been so long since anybody's touched me!
[Alan goes to bed with Charlie]
Alan?
Yes?
It's been so long since anybody's touched me!
Hi I'm Joni!
Hey, [To Alan and Charlie] I'm gonna go play in my room.
Can I come?
Whatever. [The two of them go off]
If he can keep up the attitude for another 30 years he's gold.
Who gets him [Jake] in that [worst-case] scenario thing?
Cousin Jerry and his wife Fay.
Jerry and Fay? Why Jerry and Fay?
Well, they-- they've a good marriage, three kids, lots of dogs, a big backyard, and they live in a great school district.
Yeah, but I'm your brother!
Charlie, it's--
And I live right here! You wouldn't have to ship him off to... Cornhole, Kansas!
Coventry, Rhode Island.
Who am I thinking of that lives in Kansas?
I don't know, Dorothy and Toto?
Uh, if Mom's ever in a coma, you're the one who has to decide to pull the plug.
Pull.
[Filling out Jake's hospital form] Last name: Harper. First Name: Jake...ob?
Yeah.
Jacob. Middle name...
Don't you know?
Of course I know. I wanna see if you know,you hit your head dude.
David.
I knew that. Jacob David, wow, they really went old testament on you didn't they. Allergies?
What? I dunno.
Do you eat something that makes you sick?
I ate a worm once.
No allergies. Have you ever had the following? Measles?
I dunno.
Mumps?
I dunno.
Chicken pox?
Is that the one with the spots?
Yeah.
I dunno.
Family History? Well your grandmother's always been a pain in the ass.
If I had a nickel for every time a girl dumped me, disappeared for five years, and came back as a guy, I'd have a nickel!
What's this?
A picture of Jill. Look at it, will you?
The woman who dumped you?
She didn't dump me, will you get over that?!
All right, why are we looking at Jill?
Just look at it!
All right, she's cute. Very tall, broad shoulders-- HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!
Welcome to The Matrix.
So-so-so Jill is-is-is--?
Yep.
And-and-and you and-and Jill used to--?
Every chance we got
Now mom is--?
At this very moment.
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!
Well I'd better be going. [Sees a jacket that was thrown on the floor] I'll pick that up on Monday.
Do you realize what this means?
Yes. I slept with a woman who wanted to be a man. Or, I slept with a man in a woman’s body. Or - and this is my new favorite, and the title of my autobiography - my mom and I slept with the same dude.
He certainly knows how to treat a woman.
He used to BE a woman!
And he knows what I like in bed.
He knows what I like in bed!
Don't you think you've had enough to drink at the magic show, Evelyn?
Excuse me, darling, but some of us deal with our boredom and depression the old-fashioned, non-prescription way.
OK, fine. You always wanted Liz, go ahead. Here's your chance. Give her your little "adjustment". And maybe while you're having a good time with my sister, I'll have a good time with your brother. [puts her right arm around Charlie]
Beg pardon?
Oh, don't be coy with me, Charlie. You know we've always had sexual tension between us!
Really? I... thought it was just regular tension.
Come on, I've seen you looking at my chest.
You looked at my wife's chest?
Hey, I'm a guy!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Two and a Half Men pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
