TV show quotes
My point is that you're gonna leave her [Melissa] with bad memories that can be erased by removing herself from anything that reminds her of you, like me.
Is that what you're worried about, Bunky?
Yes, that's what I'm worried about! What do you think I was worried about? What else would I be worried about?
Well, let's see: your receding hairline, your semi-literate son, your budding man-boobs... but that's just off the top of my head.
Charlie asked me to stay the weekend.
No kidding?
Yeppers. We really made a connection, and it is not just physical. Although the physical part is amazing!
Again, none of my business.
It is like I have known him all my life.
I know the feeling. You'll get over it.
Sure you don't want to come back to my office and hump my fax machine?
Wow. You still have a fax machine?
I can't believe you've been going to gym all this time without a jockstrap.
I don't like it. It feels like I've been flossing my butt crack.
Based on what I'm paying your dentist, you know nothing about flossing.
Think of it as a bra for your balls.
Oh, now I want one.
Hey, Alan, d'you think I'm evil?
Oh God, yes.
[Charlie stares at him]
I mean, is a tornado evil when it rips up a mobile home and throws it into an orphanage?
Yeah, I'm a real force of nature.
Miss Pasternak [to Charlie]: How can you live with yourself, you horrible, evil man?!
He drinks.
[at the strip club]
Hey, honey, when's Miss Bush come out?
Whenever Ben Franklin comes out.
Story of my life: No boner goes unpunished.
Jake, I have wonderful news: From now on, as part of each lesson, we're gonna spend time casting demons out of you. [to Alan]: It's the Devil that's making him stupid.
I told you it wasn't my fault.
Uh, uh, Miss Pasternak, wh-- while I'm thrilled that you're helping Jake with his schoolwork, I'm not sure an exorcism is really called for.
Do you want your son to go to Hell, Alan?
Depends. Do they have a college prep program?
Eternal damnation is no laughing matter.
I know. I've been married twice. [laughs]
You think you have to wear a jockstrap in Hell?
Yes, but not your own.
Sunday is not a me day, sunday is a He day! [points upward] And He will strike down the blasphemers and the disbelievers with fury and bloodsoaked vengeance! So, chop chop, washy washy! [leaves]
I've said it before and I'll say it again: Boy can I pick'em!
A little religion isn't gonna kill you.
Oh yeah? What's your definition of bloodsoaked vengeance?
(In Church)
Why do you keep staring at me?
I just don't wanna miss the part when you burst into flames.
You miserable son of a bitch. I gave you my heart, I gave you my soul, I gave you my body and you just threw me aside like I was some piece of garbage!
Yeah, my bad. So what's new?
Oh, you wanna catch up, sure, let's catch up, okay, let's see, um, okay, after you dumped me, I had a nervous breakdown.
Well, sure looks like you've bounced back.
And then after my breakdown, I got fired and blackballed from teaching.
Oh, bummer. So what are you up to now?
I'll tell you what I'm up to now, I lost my house, I'm living in a cheap motel, and my new career is giving lap dances to strangers while I'm swinging by my crotch on a pole late times a night.
Have you considered an athletic supporter?
Okay, well. Thanks for the update. Nice seeing you. Move, move move.
You ruined my life, Charlie Harper!
Righto, bye.
We didn't pay for the jockstrap.
Just keep walking.
[to Charlie] How can you live with yourself, you horrible, evil man?!
He drinks.
(In Church)
Why are you looking at me like that?
I just don't wanna miss it when you burst into flames.
Well, they [Judith and Herb] are fighting a lot.
They're fighting?
Yep. Thirty-one.
Thirty-one?
It's what you get when you add twenty-four and seven. You know, they're fighting all the time, 24/7? Thirty-one?
I'm not gonna make it three months, Alan.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Two and a Half Men pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
