Two and a Half Men quotes

Alan

You're hitting on the widow!

Charlie

No, I'm consoling the widow. I won't start hittin' on her 'til they close the lid.

Alan

Unbelievable. How do you sleep at night?!

Charlie

Usually drunk and on top of somebody. But that takes work, Alan; it doesn't just happen by itself.

Alan

Hey, well, here's an idea: Why don't you run downstairs to the embalming room and see if you can score a couple of fresh ones off the truck?

Charlie

Excuse me, but considering your ex-wife, I'd say you're the expert on having sex with cold women who don't move!

Jake

Where's the dead guy?

Alan

Jake, show a little respect.

Jake

Where's the dead guy sir?

Alan

That woman just lost her husband!

Evelyn

Alan, the man was fifty years old when she was born!

Alan

So?

Evelyn

So she had to see it coming!

Charlie

Wow. Even for you, that is really cold.

Alan

Oh, Mr. Graveside Nookie weighs in. Five minutes ago you were trying to give the widow a sympathetic crotch to cry on.

Jake

How did he die?

Alan

He just got old. His heart stopped.

Jake

Oh. His watch is still going.

Alan

Yep.

Jake

Why would he need a watch anyway? It's not like he's gonna be late for anything.

Evelyn

And I want an unadorned headstone that reads simply, "Evelyn Harper: Loving wife, devoted mother."

Charlie

That's good. Open with a joke.

Alan

It is not a chick car! The-- the salesman showed me brochures with pictures of men driving it.

Charlie

Alan, if a monkey walked into the dealership, he'd have been shown pictures of monkeys driving it.

Alan

Monkeys can't drive a stick.

Charlie

Alan, where'd the money come from?

Alan

I found it.

Charlie

Alan...

Alan

Mom.

Charlie

You traded your soul for a Porsch?

Alan

I didn't trade my soul, and it's Porsche.

Alan

The first thousand miles is the break-in period. You're not supposed to go over 65.

Charlie

Well, then go 65.

Alan

The speed limit is 60! You want me to get a ticket?

Charlie

Alan, you're driving an expensive red sports car. If you're not getting tickets and tail you might as well take the bus... which, by the way, just passed us.

Charlie

I love the smell of brimstone in the morning.

Jake

How come it's a secret that dad is on a date?

Charlie

Eh, it's not a secret, it's just never a good idea to tell a woman more than they need to know

Jake

How come?

Charlie

Because we love them and want to protect them. A clueless woman is a happy woman.

Charlie

[on the phone with Alan who is trying to ditch his drunk blind date]: Viagra and a bad ticker. Mom loses more boyfriends that way.

Charlie

Alan, Alan, calm down, calm down! Listen to me. Here's what you do. Take her to a crowded club, pin a warning note on her back as a courtesy to the next guy, and run like hell!

Evelyn

Excuse me, I didn't hear any complaints when I was raising you two.

Charlie

Really, the teenage drinking and constant running away wasn't a slight tipoff?

Evelyn

Oh, you were just a little drama queen, Charlie. And let's not forget, you always came back.

Charlie

Kinda hard to get steady work when you're nine.

Jake

Uncle Charlie, can you get me out of this?

Charlie

That depends. Are you willing to live in Mexico for a few years?

Jake

Sí.