Two and a Half Men · Season 6, Episode 8
"So what's in Culver City?" he asked, knowing the only possible answer.
Can you believe she wants me to schlep all the way over to her place just so we can spend the night together?
Oh, you poor guy. You have to drive forty-five minutes to get laid.
And forty-five minutes to get back. That's ninety minutes behind the wheel for twenty, thirty minutes behind... well, I don't need to draw you a map.
[the morning after Charlie tried to sleep at Chelsea's apartment]
She's got one of those wooden toilet seats. It would have been like sitting on Pinocchio's mouth.
You ever wonder about people who can poop in a gas station? What is wrong with them?
What about porta-potties?
Alan [scoffs]: Those aren't people. Those are animals. I'd rather go in the trunk of my car.
I have.
You've gone in the trunk of your car?
No, yours. [leaves]
That was you?! I convinced myself a coyote had gotten in there.
[Jake plays 'Smoke on the Water' on Charlie's piano, and then bends down and plays the keys with his tongue. Charlie comes downstairs.]
What are you doing?
Playing 'Smoke on the Water'
With your tongue?
Pretty cool, huh?
That's not cool, it's disgusting. Alan, get in here! [Alan comes in] Your kid's licking my piano!
Jake, don't lick your uncle's piano.
But I'm bored.
Go read a book.
I don't wanna read a book.
Then go lick a book! [Jake leaves] How long is this whole grounding thing gonna go on for?
Two weeks.
Two weeks?
Charlie, he stuck his ass out a bus window at the girls' track team.
That's what you're grounding him for? When you were his age, you mooned the girls' choir.
No, uh, when I was his age, you pantsed me in front of the girls' choir.
Oh, right. Well, either way, you made the yearbook.
You know, I have never once seen him [Charlie] eat seedless raspberry jam.
That's because you've never applied a thin layer to your hindquarters.
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