Charlie [after Alan and Melissa share a breakfast sausage]: Aw. Nothing says "love" like a little morning pork.
This is so nice. A private, intimate dinner for just the two of us. Oh, my God, you guys! [he and Melissa enter the room for Alan's birthday party but nobody is there] There's nobody here.
I don't understand. I told them to be here an hour ago.
Yeah, well, what are you gonna do? My family are a bunch of thoughtless, selfish buttwipes. [he turns around to see Charlie, Jake, Evelyn, and Berta standing in the doorway]
Surprise.
I want to thank you all for coming to celebrate this wonderful occasion.
I thought it was Alan's birthday.
Alan, darling, you were always the good son. Of course, your brother didn't set the bar very high.
MSMelissa's Mother
I have pictures of myself dressed in a forest rangers uniform and have absoulately no memory of being a forest ranger. Thank you.
[To Berta, Evelyn and Charlie] You should be ashamed of yourselves. This (Alan) is a warm and wonderful human being and he deserves more, especially from his family. I don't even know why you guys showed up tonight.
Well, I can't speak for anybody else, but I'm getting overtime.
MSMelissa's Mother
You know, I did spend a summer in Yosemite doing 'shrooms, so maybe I wasn't an official forest ranger.
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