Alan quotes from Two and a Half Men

Charlie

Hey, we're here for fun, right? Nobody wins or loses.

Alan

Oh, come on! Somebody always loses! [stands up] Who are we kidding? It's 8 to 1 out there and everybody here knows it. And-- and you know, I'll tell you another thing! We haven't won a game all season, and I'm putting that in the newsletter! And as God as my witness, there will be a newsletter!

Jake

Dad, you're kind of freaking everybody out here.

Charlie

Forget it, Jake. It's Sherman Oaks.

Evelyn

I want you two and Jake to come to dinner and meet Tommy.

Well...

Alan

Jake has this thing...

Charlie

Got work.

Alan

Judith will have Jake.

Charlie

Don't really want to.

Alan

Charlie, there is a half-naked woman in our kitchen!

Charlie

Which half?

Alan

Hey, where have you been?

Charlie

I just had lunch with my mother and my stalker. They spent the afternoon eating off each other's plates and discussing my fear of intimacy.

Alan

You do have that, you know. Well, anyway, look, can we talk about this picture Jake drew?

Charlie

What's to talk about? He's a boy. He saw a woman's ass. He liked it. Thank your lucky stars it wasn't the cable guy's ass and move on!

Jake

Hey, Dad, where's "Can-cun"?

Alan

Cancún?

Jake

No, it's spelled "Can-cun".

Alan

It's in Mexico. Why?

Jake

We should go there for Christmas instead of Aunt Betty's.

Alan

What are you reading?

Jake

Sports Illustrated, but it's mostly ladies in bathing suits.

Alan

Sure, start splitting them up early. That's your answer for everything, isn't it?

Judith

Excuse me?

Alan

Uh, would Mrs. Plaintiff please see Mr. Respondent in the hallway?

Alan

Uh, l-- look, I-- I appreciate your-- your feelings for me, but I have to tell you, I-- I really think your-- your daughter deserves a lot of respect. I mean it-- it takes real courage to make changes in your life and not worry about what everybody thinks.

Judith

Thank you, Alan.

Evelyn

That's true. The lesbians of my generation were too scared to come out of the closet.

Alan

You haven't told them?

Judith

No. I thought it would be more appropriate coming from your mother.

Alan

[about Judith] What does she think she's doing? She-- she's straight, she's gay, she's straight again... I mean, place your bets! Where she lands, nobody knows!

Charlie

Alan, it's no big deal. Women get to experiment with their sexuality. It's only guys who have to make a choice and stick to it.

Alan

Where do you get this stuff?

Charlie

I make it up.

Alan

Where's my mother?

Jake

She left.

Alan

Why?

Jake

I don't know. We were watching SpongeBob SquarePants, and she stood up and said life was too short.

Jake

I don't wanna go clothes shopping. I'm not the one that needs a new look, so why do I have to go?

Alan

Come on, Jake, get your jacket and let's go.

Jake

Fine, I'll get my stupid jacket, then we'll get in the stupid car and then we'll go to the stupid mall and we'll go stupid clothes shopping.

Charlie

Hey, don't talk to your stupid father like that.

Charlie

Come on, Alan. If you change your look you might be able to land someone in the dating game. You know, like Judith is.

Alan

I don't need to land anyone in any game.

Charlie

Fine, I'm here if you need me.

Alan

I'm fine. So Jake, what's new?

Jake

My soccer coach sings a lot now.

Alan

Why?

Jake

No reason. But I think it's the same reason Mom sings all the time now.

Alan

Oh, all right.

Jake

I'm done. Can I go watch TV now?

Alan

Sure. [Jake goes off] ... Help me Charlie, I wanna sing for no reason too!

Alan

[getting ready to leave] Get your jacket, it's time to go.

Jake

[reluctantly] I don't wanna go, I hate clothes shopping!

Alan

Well, you can't stay here alone.

Jake

Why not??

Alan

You know why not.

Jake

But I don't have a turtle to put in the microwave anymore!

Alan

[firmly] Get your jacket.

Jake

[annoyed] Fine, I'll put on my stupid jacket, we'll get in the stupid car and then we'll go stupid clothes shopping!

Charlie

Hey, don't talk to your stupid father like that.

Alan

Jake, come here, sit down.

Jake

Did I do something wrong?

Charlie

No, just sit down. We wanna talk to you about something.

Jake

[sits down] OK.

Alan

Well Jake, you know how I always told you to tell your parents about what's happening and everything you've been doing.

Jake

Yeah.

Alan

Well you...

Charlie

You don't have to do that anymore. You're a big boy now and you, you don't have to do that now.

Jake

Why?

Alan

Well because, now that you're older, we feel that some things are best kept to yourself.

Jake

Or you just don't want mom to find out about Prudence.

Charlie

That too.

Jake

OK.

Judith

[Enters] Hi Jake, ready to go?

Jake

Sure. [Walks out with Judith]

Judith

So how was your weekend?

Jake

Uncle Charlie says I don't have to tell you.

Alan

All right, even if I weren't deathly ill, which I am, I wouldn't go out on a blind double date with you!

Charlie

Why not?

Alan

Summer of my junior year? The Seals and Crofts concert? You got the incredible cheerleader, and I got her sister, The Incredible Hulk?!

Jake

Hey, Dad, wanna hear a funny joke?

Alan

Sure, why not.

Jake

OK, there's a priest, a minister, and a rabbit.

Charlie

That's a "rabbi", Jake.

Jake

Oh, yeah. OK, a priest, a minister, and a rabbi. I forgot the rest. I gotta go to the bathroom.

Charlie

Wait, you know why they call this a European health spa? 'Cause you're a-peein'.

Charlie

[Who is trying to convince Alan to go on a double date with him even though he is sick] Please, please go with me. Look, she's great, her name is Dezeray.

Alan

I don't care what her name is!

Charlie

What do you mean? That's like desire but with yay in it!