Lenny Leonard quotes from The Simpsons

Homer

Wait, the frog in the trench coat is Kermit too.

All the frogs in that show are Kermit. Keeps all the other frog actors out of work.

[as the frog licks his own eyeball] Ow! He took my contact. [the frog licks his own eyeball again] Ow! Now I got two in own eye.

Remember you said when hell freezes over? I think this is close enough.

Huh, I'm in no position to argue.

Don't you idiots see what this means?

Idiots? Why do we re-elect this guy?

Carl

Because his opponent has a long Slavic name.

[on piracy] That was so much better than the cinema. It mixes the wonder of movie-going with the rush of stealing.

Carl

All we want is brand new, big-budget entertainment in our homes for nothing. Why doesn't Hollywood get that?

Homer

Wait, you guys saw the new Radioactive Man sequel?

Carl

Uh, it's not a sequel, it's a reboot.

Actually, this one undoes the stuff from the last one, so it's a deboot.

Why do they call this a yard of ale?

Carl

Easy. After you drink it, you're passed out in a yard.

No, mine was rubber mats in the decontamination showers, also water in the decontamination showers.

Never!

These photos show that 6 years ago Bart and Lisa were fighting like Creationists and Common Sense.

Homer

Isn't that sweet, six years ago they were fighting, now they're playing pool in a bar.

Father of the year, pal, father of the year.

Carl

Yeah Homer, we'll definitely help you, but you're gonna have to wait.

We just ordered a pie for the bar.

Carl

What did you do that for?!

Barney

Yeah! It took us 45 minutes to choose a topping!

We decided on cheese.

Poor guy, living at the plant.

Carl

And yet, he's still late!

Quitting time!

Carl

Quitting time!

Homer

Thank God it's Friday.

Thursday.

Homer

Same thing. See you Monday!

Marge

Yay!

The only Boston wins is because they cheat! Listening in our teams' headsets, fattening our cheerleaders, you know, for three games last year, Boston used a volleyball painted brown!

That was never proven, you Springfield screw-job.

Ugh! Boston fans. In town for the Dennis Lehane book tour.

Go kiss a Kennedy, you rule-breaking cranberry squeezers!

We don't cheat! We won 12 division titles in ten years, fair and square!

You dorks are just jealous of all our championship rings! [they start kissing their hands]

Homer

You're the one who's jealous. I only wish I could be as jealous as you!

Geez, Jay, this place has got more knobs than a hardware store. I hate this town!

Jay

So don't I. Frigging doorknobs [they laugh]

Automatic! [they kiss their hands again]

They over-fogged the run-in!

Carl

They put those kids in danger just to psych up the crowd! [yelling] Yeah, are you psyched up now? Huh? Are you?!

Mr. Burns

Oh, why can't I be loved AND feared, like God?

Homer

Why? Because you're the boss, we're the workers. It goes back to caveman days. Ten guys killed the mammoth while the boss yelled at them. Then the boss got all the meat and they got all the toenails. Because that's the way life works. Next came the Renaissance, and the invention of the time clock, which meant the boss no longer had to waste time checking on his employees and could become Pope and marry his sister. With recent times came unions and workers' rights. Which were then taken away in even more recent times.

Wrap it up, Homer. That catwalk is starting to buckle.

Homer

My point is, no matter what, Mr. Burns, the boss sucks, so why shouldn't you?

Homer

I'm looking for a godfather for my little angel.

Aw, what a cutie. Let me give her a sip of beer.

Homer

Okay, you're out.

If I'm out, Carl's out.

Carl

I decide who tells me what to do. Moe?

You're out, Carl.

So, where'd you get your dog?

Homer

Uh, I think he came with the house?